*DISCLAIMER* If you have not read the prologue, you may not get as much out of this chapter as you want... My mistake, ya'll.
“He’s not coming back anytime soon, Em.”
“Then why am I on Stark-patrol?”
“You know why. He’s not even here, for crying out loud!”
I snorted as I remembered my conversation with Hawkeye after the meeting I had been ‘removed’ from. I pushed the cartridge back into my newly-cleaned pistol with more force than was probably necessary. Yes, Tony Stark had been gone at that time of my heated exchange with Clint, but he was back now, and I hadn’t been given clearance to leave yet. I had to admit, staying in Stark’s home was comfy, but I could never get over the feeling that everything I did was seen by him. I flinched as that creepy computer voice came out of seemingly nowhere: "Miss Barton, Mister Stark would like to talk to you."
“Tell him I’m busy at the moment!” I snapped back. It was not my job to cater to Stark’s every beck and call- That was Pepper Pots' specialty.
“No you’re not. Hurry." Stark's voice only confirmed the feeling that I was being watched.
I took my time getting to Stark's 'office '. I knew when i got close by the obnoxiously loud ACDC 'music' that was on the verge of bursting my eardrums. Aside from that, I couldn't help but get just a little excited about what he needed me for. It was usually something minor, but there were times when he would have me 'help ' him in testing new equipment. Needless to say, testing the flying car was fun... until it dropped... Come to think of it, everything I tested peculiarly malfunctioned. Oh well. I swiped my keycard, went in, and as I put my card back in my pocket I nearly walked into the genius.I looked up, and my eyes widened in surprise. "Tony! Where the heck is your shirt?!" I exclaimed, quickly looking at the ground, the ceiling, practically everywhere but him. Okay, so seeing a shirtless man wasn't exactly uncommon, but it was still a surprise to walk into a man who had an arc reactor in the middle of his chest. I thanked my lucky stars that he at least had a pair of jeans on. After the surprise, I collected myself, hit the mute button on the radio, and looked at Stark, who had turned around to look at a computer moniter. It was then that I noticed the red lines running across his back. The almost crimson color, along with the swelling made it clear that he had burned his back somehow. "What happened? "
"Burn." He replied. He smirked at me when he turned around, apparently amused by the expression on my face at seeing him without a shirt. "You're too late, Vipress, my heart has been taken by another! " He said, adding an almost sickening amount of dramatic flourish.
I rolled my eyes. "Trust me, that was not what I was thinking." I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Besides, you're not my type."
"Sure. I happen to find it amazing that you even have a type. I thought you and your brother were untouchable. Guess Natasha proved the latter fact wrong for ol' Legolas, didn't she? "
I chose not to reply to the last comment."Seriously Tony, how did you get burned? " I asked. Even though he wasn't my favorite individual, I still considered him as a friend, albeit an arrogant one. The concern in my voice was not very well hidden.
"I didn't get burned bad, I just can't reach them. That's why I called you down here. Can you put something on it? " I ignored the fact that he still wouldn't tell me how it happened, and nodded. He crossed his arms, which he abruptly uncrossed with a slight wince. "Hurry up, will you? "
"Give me a minute, I'll be right back." I said, jogging out of the room. I wondered how the billionaire Avenger could have possibly gotten burned. It certainly wasn't out of the ordinary for him to keep secrets, but it stuck me as odd that he would hide this from me. Unless it was something embarrassing. That made perfect sense. Maybe he had been partying with a flamethrower. I shrugged, and went to the balcony, where Pots had a small window garden. I grinned as I saw the long, prickly green stems of an aloe vera plant. After breaking off quite a few, I proceeded to the kitchen to grab some cold water and witch hazel.
|
|---|
I hurried back downstairs, and set the stuff down on the large desk. I looked up, and motioned for Stark to sit in front of me. I jumped as he grabbed the water off the desk. "This is very expensive equipment, and I would like to keep anything wet away from it." He gave a pointed look at the witch hazel and aloe stalks, which I removed. I knew that the desk was expensive. I had seen the 3d models that came up out of it at Stark's command, but I didn't see the harm in setting water on it, especially with a half-drunk margarita sitting on it already. "Just sit down." I said, removing the items and sitting them on the floor.
I wet a soft cloth in the water, and began to gently bathe the burns. He had been right, they weren't very bad, but they still looked painful. I heard Stark sigh softly in relief. "You okay?" I inquired as I took the lid off the witch hazel and poured some of it on the cloth. I dabbed it lightly on the red lines. My eyes narrowed as I studied the burns closer. They were perfectly straight lines running vertically up his back. They didn't appear to be caused by flames, but by falling on something. I shook my head. What was he up to?
"I'm fine, Snake Eyes. Really, your concern is nice, but I'll be back up and running in no time." He drummed his fingers on his arc reactor as he sat there.
"First, my name is Emily. I'm not a G.I. Joe. Second, will you cut that out? " The noise was annoying, but it honestly just creeped me out more than anything. "Doesn't that hurt? "
"Nope." He gave me another one of his cocky smirks, and continued drumming. I rubbed the aloe onto his burns. "Try not to enjoy this." He snickered.
I snorted, "Don't flatter yourself." I wiped my hands off. "As much as fun as this is, am I free to go? "
He shook his head. "Not yet, just one more thing. " His expression became unexpectedly serious. "Can I ask you a question?" He asked, folding his arms across his still bare chest.
A bit put off by the request, it took me a moment to nod and shrug my shoulders. "Sure."
"So... You hate Loki pretty bad, don't you." I stiffened at the comment, but let it slide as he continued, " What would you do if he had to come back? " He leaned forward slightly, one eyebrow cocked as he waited for my answer. He didn't have to wait long. At all.
"What kind of question is that?! " I snapped. I stopped my mouth from spouting off anymore sharp comments, and took a small breath before going on. "Why are you asking me that, Mr. Stark? " I asked, my voice soaked in a formal tone.
"Just wondering. I mean, I think he's bad and everything, but I don't think I would be too rough to him if he came back to help. "
My steely grey eyes narrowed. "What would you do to the person that nearly got your older brother killed? That stole his mind and made him into a monster? I would not hesitate to beat the crap out of him, and to tell the truth, I probably wouldn't mind ending him. Need I remind you what happened to Phil? " I quickly shut my mouth. The last comment was uncalled for, but it was too late to take it back. I turned around, not waiting for his permission to leave. I paused at the door. "I hope that answers your question. Why don't you ask Natasha next? She'll probably show what she would do." With that, I left the lab, and returned to my room. I quickly grabbed my keys, and proceeded out of the mansion.
"Miss Barton, shall I inform Mr. Stark of your absence? " I heard JARVIS say as I walked to the front door.
"You may inform him of whatever you want." I said, slamming the door behind me.
|
|
|---|
Hi! Cool fanfic! but there's one problem; who is this Emily character? All I got was she's Clint's sister. But whats her 'power' (I put power in '' because they don't actually have powers.) And I don't think you portrayed Stark quite right. I know how hard it is to get the characters right on fanfics, but I think he needs to be a bit more sarcastic and snarky. That's it really it; thanks for writing it! I love anything Avengers. Its really well written.
~SB
Hey Iddle!
I came to investigate.
~ This is a nitpick, but I don't like the 'snapped back'. It makes it sound more like an action "I snapped his head back" rather than a response. I'd nix the 'back'. Just 'snapped' is fine.I was browsing, when, suddenly, my eyes fell upon the word 'Vipress'. Being rather fond of Vipers
So, for your review!
~ Wait a minute. I thought that the first voice was sort of computerized, robotish...but it's Mr. Stark? Did the voice change? Does Mr. Stark have a creepy computer voice? Is the creepy computer Stark's secretary? Clarify, please.
~ Several nitpicks. The first, and the only one that I've got experts behind me on
2nd) I really like the thought you present here, but I tend to avoid using actual brands/trademarks in writing. It tends to make the reader rely on former knowledge to understand your writing. In this case, I paused to think about ACDC music- because I don't listen to them very often, so I had to think to figure out what your antagonist heard. If I didn't listen to that sort of music (and I know people who don't, and, by you calling it 'music' I assume you don't either), then the ACDC would mean very little- and your reader would feel excluded. That's bad.
Rather, try to give a description- while avoiding names. "I knew I was getting close- the floor began to tremble beneath my feet, my insides shaken by the blaring music, hardly recognizable as a pleasant tune for the electric instruments it was filled with. My hair stood up as a steel guitar blared, sending a shiver up my spine, making my head throb, protesting." Or something that describes an unpleasant experience with music- while avoiding names. (Sorry if I got this description of the music wrong. As I mentioned, I don't listen to ACDC very often).
~ Whoa. You tried to walk slow...but you're excited to see Mr. Stark? Shouldn't you be happy and bubbly?
Also, you 'tell' alot of information here. In writing, you should 'show'. Try to focus on her feelings, not the information.
"I felt my stomach do a little flop, excited, as I reached for the doorknob. Maybe Mr. Stark has something I need to test today." This gives a small into, so the reader is expecting something about the protagonist being a test-dummy, and adds intruige. What is it, exactly, that Mr. Stark needs tested? We'll have to read on...
~ This is...alot. This entire paragraph is too long, and too mushed together- and way, way too conversational. You don't want your writing to be stiff- but you don't want alot of...this.
"Oh well" just brushes aside what you just said/thought, as if it didn't matter. You don't want your readers thinking that anything you write doesn't matter. You want them analyzing every word, trying to figure out how it fits into your plot. That's not to say that every word HAS to fit into your plot- keep us guessing. Make us try to guess what's going to be important later, and what's just a nice detail now (keeping in mind that you don't want ALOT of inconsequential thing- or your readers will get frustrated and/or bored). Alright, I've written an entire paragraph attacking two words...I feel a bit foolish now...moving on...
"I swiped my keycard, absently pushing the door inward as I slid the key in my pocket, nearly bumping into Mr. Stark, who was pacing in front of the door, shirtless. I stared at him, eyes wide, slackjawed. "Tony! W-where's...where's your shirt?" I asked, blushing, looking away- at the walls, the ceiling, out the window, everywhere but his bare chest."
...I don't understand how it's not uncommon to see a half-naked man...I think I should be very...surprised...if I walked in on my boss, to find him shirtless.
~ "I glanced at the arc reactor in the center of his chest- but quickly averted my eyes, watching his feet as he walked across the room to look at a computer screen. I collected myself, strode to the blaring radio, and looked at Stark, who had his back turned to me. I squinted at his red, swollen, burned back. "What happened?" Or something more concise like that...
~
" "Burn." He replied.
I rolled my eyes. No, really? (if you want a sarcastic protagonist)
He turned towards me. I blushed as my eyes fell across his sculpted chest, and rested on the arc reactor. I caught myself staring and tore my eyes from his chest, nervously looking into his face.
"You're too late, Vipress, my heart has been taken by another!" He said, adding a dramatic flourish.
I rolled my eyes again...." Or something that adds emotion and slows this down.
~ I tend not to read fanfiction (the Vipress drew me in before I saw the tag
~ So is she fond of him or not? Her flightiness is making me dizzy. Resentful-excited-worried-annoyed- concerned- ahh! I don't know how she feels.
~ If you ignored the fact, then you wouldn't mention it. You could add a thought (an italicized line or two) that shows that she's annoyed, but isn't going to mention it.
You have a lot of her thoughts here. You should italicize them, and phrase them as thoughts- not generalizations.
~ The first comma is unneccessary- nix, please.
~ Another unneccessary comma.
~ Firstly, "3D" stands for "Three Dimensional"...it needs a capital 'D'.
Secondly, the 'half-drunk' made me think that the margarita was half drunk...and I didn't think that alcoholic beverages get drunk...they cause the people consuming them to get drunk...please re-phrase.
Also, the paragraph I took this from is far too long. Seperate please. Hint: each new speaker warrants a new paragraph.
~ Italicize and bring this to present tense, and you've got it. "I shook my head. What's he up to?"
~ Que?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a good start. You've built up nice suspense going here. Keep it up!
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
~Shady