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Truthfully fiction: One moment in a million othersbu

by Mich4el


Children can shout for only so long to take away your thoughts, they can argue their adulthood or their right to choice for only so long for it to become cloying. There are too many things to consider, too many absences to really forget in order to escape under the clutches of fun. You pervade my thoughts, you wring my happiness dry, you pervade my image of what happiness is; you enforce the reality because you know only so well the illusions I conjure and dwell in. Is it cliche to admit that I feel whole in the space of your love. Felt. That I can scream eternity saying I can't do without you. And that is the punishment, isn't it? That that which I must do to atone is something inherently selfish, that I may loathe myself. It's all in my head, you do not Reply want me to loathe myself: how much longer can I run these circles? See the truth and make it false. And know. Knowledge, awareness; I reveled. I prided my self deprecation and admonishment, until it has been rendered inane. Are you of a strength so alien to me? Or is weakness, an emotion I cannot make yours for it is a betrayal. Can I down cement knowing when I feel rotten and shrunken inside I might want for myself a different fate? Can I reject my absolute reverence for human fickleness. You have done it, E, you have romanticized death. The children are eating, but they're done and they're well rested and they're screaming in the dining room for me, they're getting me, I'm roaring and running on all fours and sweating. I'm thinking: I'm happy.  But then I'm back here, with a pen and a paper,  feeling awfully repetitive and yet choicless, because you're gone and here I am. I pushed you and yet can't make the same fall.  Am I to suffer forever in the knowledge that I perform so aching a task so I can revel in its anger and disappointment and hate, so I cannot confront you. You're gone and I'm not, and yet you're in every space you occupied; I see you. You are the death of me, you are me, you are dead. Are we one?


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49 Reviews


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Fri May 05, 2017 11:38 pm
DragonWriter22 wrote a review...



Hey there!

First I'd just like to say that this was quite an impressive piece of work. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. :)

So, on to the review:

The first comment I have is how I'm not sure if "short story" is the right category for this piece. It felt much more like a poem as I was reading it, but then you did put it in under lyrical short story, which describes this as well.

I really liked the formatting of the story; how it's all one paragraph. It conveys a sense of being lost in thought, sort of like a stream of consciousness. The bending of grammar rules adds to this as well, since who cares much about grammar in your mind? Fairly often thoughts are a mixture of words and feelings that can not be conveyed in grammatical sentences. Feelings especially tend to be incomprehensible to grammar.

Other elements of the story I liked were the repeated ideas and reversals. Like how the story starts with the line:

Children can shout for only so long to take away your thoughts


and then later that idea is reversed in new context with:

That I can scream eternity saying I can't do without you


That, and the other repetitions added to the ethereal thought-state as well.

One last thing, I really liked your word choice throughout the story. This may just be because you have a broader speaking vocabulary that I, but I found you using a lot of words that I knew the meaning of, but rarely heard in day to day life. Words such as "pervaded", "inane", and "cloying", for example. This, again, relates to and builds the stream of consciousness since such words often describe thoughts and feelings better than the every-day ones.

Welcome to the site, by the way, and I look forward to seeing more of your work!



Random avatar
Mich4el says...


I aimed for reappeared ideas, and I guess, subconsciously made them. Those examples you made, I wasn't consciously aware of what they were doing. I had a sense of their doing their job, but didn't really see how. Thanks for.pointing that out. I wasn't going to.do any writing this month but I guess I could whip up a short story about this as of yet unnamed protagonist of mine. Thanks for reviewing





No problem (:



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Fri May 05, 2017 11:12 pm
ChieRynn wrote a review...



Hi there! I jumped at this because I don't see many short stories around YWS these days...*implies sad face*

First, yay short stories! The point of a short is to tell a story, but in only a few words. You didn't leave me hanging, and I understood what was going on by the end and wasn't confused. You went deep. Your words...were amazing. The way you just wrote makes one feel like the character and know what they're going through vividly. You ever think of writing poetry? You did and incredible job here. Good going!

I didn't see many sentence structure problems or run ons. You did good here. Keepwriting explained some ticky things in here, I'll stay brief. One sentence.

Is it cliche to admit that I feel whole in the space of your love.


Aside from what was already said about this sentence, there should be a question mark at the end.

That's all the correction needed, Keepwriting covered most of it. You did an amazing job, you keep writing.

Sincerely,

~Me



Random avatar
Mich4el says...


Thank you for commenting. As for the question mark, perhaps I should have added it. Something about him made me not to though. I'm yet to figure out what that is. But then, revising is hard work for me. I always see a reason for things to remain the way they are. Bad editor, I guess. Thanks for replying.



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Fri May 05, 2017 9:09 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...



Wooooow... I haven't been wowed by a short on YWS in so long. Yes, there are very well written works on here, and longer one's at that; but length and likes don't define a work. And in a very short number of words you simplified a very moving message. I do have a few of problems with this though (because nothing can be perfect) and I will list them for you.

First, the title isn't capitalized correctly it should be "Truthfully Fiction: One Moment in a Million Others" And I think you accidently typed "bu" in there.

Is it cliche to admit that I feel whole in the space of your love. Felt.


"Cliche" needs an accent mark like this "cliché" :) And "Felt." doesn't need to be there by itself. I don't think it has any significance.

It's all in my head, you do not Reply want me to loathe myself: how much longer can I run these circles?


I don't understand why "Reply" is there and capitalized at that. I cant suggest a rewording on sentence structure here cause I don't think "Reply" should even be there.

See the truth and make it false. And know. Knowledge, awareness; I reveled.


This is structured confusingly but you could easily mend the problem by changing it to this "See the truth and make it false and know knowledge. Awareness I reveled."

You have done it, E, you have romanticized death.


Maybe this is for privacy sake but why don't you write out what "E" stands for? I think it'd add to the quality of this piece.

You're gone and I'm not, and yet you're in every space you occupied; I see you. You are the death of me, you are me, you are dead. Are we one?


That was quite the ending. This work leaves much to the imagination of the reader, and therefore has an added charm to it. I don't have any other comments for this, but I do think you should space the paragraphs when certain thoughts end so that keep one's place is easier when reading this; but again I enjoyed it. Keep writing!

~Keep <3



Random avatar
Mich4el says...


I typed on my mobile hence the cliche doesn't have an accent mark. I wrote this piece and edited late at night and was feeling sleepy so I guess that's why the Reply eluded me, and the addition must be some autocorrect thing. I should probably write a longer story about this character. There are things that can't be explained with only these few words. I was just aiming to catch him in thought, just once, hence the single paragraph. Perhaps then certain choices made here would make sense. Thank you for such a long and detailed review. It means a lot.




Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
— Michael McClary