Little Moments

Hello! I haven't reviewed a short story in quite some time, so I thought I'd change that.

My common commentary in a review is to ask for more emotions, descriptions, settings, etc. When it comes to the line of generic vs. specific, I can almost always be found on the specific side. However, here, I feel that the story can stand on its own merits. Though I don't get a clear picture of the appearance of the couple, their room, or the circumstances that they remember and are charmed by, I believe that those concepts are irrelevant. What matters here is the conversation between the two, and that is conveyed beautifully. I like the narrator's opening descriptions on death and grace, the latter ironically verified in a much more subtle way than the narrator might've anticipated, thanks to the way his girlfriend is happy to leave with him and start a new life. The first paragraph may have been long and, originally, rather daunting to read, but I feel that it outlines a nice bit of philosophy, explains the narrator's personality, and sets up the story well. As such, the story starts on a high note, and the loving tone and good nature of the subsequent conversations and plots keeps it strong.

As for criticisms, I don't have much to say. "I should be cut some slack" reads awkwardly, and actually confused me the first time I read the sentence it was in. "People should cut me some slack" may seem more informal, though, but I think it would be more fitting, if I consider the relatively informal tone that the narrator adopts in his words. Otherwise, I don't know if the space in "I love you" is intentional or not. If it isn't, I'd advise removing it; if it is, it might be better to replace the space with something more correct punctuation-wise, like an ellipse or a comma (the latter isn't necessarily correct grammar, but I think the rules can be bent here). Otherwise, everything else is just some minor issues with pauses and commas that don't mess up the flow of the story that much, and can be resolved by just reading the story out loud and seeing where you pause. All in all, though, what a wonderful short story! Great job!

Hello, Mich4el! PastelSlushie here for a review. Let's get right into it!

The first thing I want to point out is the majority of this story is in one big paragraph. The big jumble really got me confused and I lost my spot quite a lot, making me start over. The plot you chose seems to have no backbone, it seems to start at random. Combine all these factors, and you have a story that didn't interest me very much.

The majority of this story is just talking, which I would suggest cutting down a lot, add more actions of what the characters are doing. Add in little details here and there. Every story needs an even balance of quotation and sentences, and this is leading all the way towards quotation, which, again, leads to an uninteresting story.

The overall view of this story looks very messy and rushed. I knew I was going to be in for a ride at first glance. The majority of it is crammed into one sentence and everything else looks weird. It seems the only reason you separated it was because the girl started talking. We only see actual actions from the characters until near the end, which is not okay.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces.

Pastel

Hello there!
I haven't even started reading it and your sentences just won't stop. They keep going. I mean, you need to make sentences a little shorter.
"It's just that often, and particularly, to someone as I am who is always so damn aware of everything. I have this sense of justice, that the fact I'm so aware means I should be cut some slack"
You could have shortened it. And I really don't understand, what your character is trying to say, if possible, do explain below.
Here again
"And I guess I want it to be so because it's one thing to want something so wholly and another to watch yourself consumed by want."
First, it is really confusing. Second, if anyhow it makes any sense, some commas would be better. "I turned to look at her..." At this point you should have changed the paragraph. I mean, i haven't even read it completely, but when I take a overview, it looks so messy. It's like you have crammed this first part of the story and the latter is staggered.
Now, take cognizance, over what I'm going to say. You either write as a first person "I" or second person "we" or third person "you". And while writing you change the nature of sentences. If it's been started as past tense, it stays like that, until your story ends. You have made that mistake.
First work on these things. When your writing looks alluring, people want to read it.
Have a good day my friend.