I stand and stare at the dark night sky
a vast inky blanket surrounding the earth
the stars shine with brightness like so many jewels
and i wonder-could they compare their worth??
I think of a Queen with the sky for her robe
and the stars for a glittering crown
her hair, midnight black, swept back from her brow
flows over her shoulders and down
The stars i can glimpse are only a part
of a galaxy defying an end
an extreme liquid fire shedding splendourous light
illuminates one sapphire gem
the jewels of the sky
have no boundaries at all
in a universe woven with love
for boundaries will never begin to exist
without a beginning or end
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I agree with Lovablelittlesock: you don't have to try to make this rhyme. I think you are creating a wonderful mental picture with this but you are trying to hard to find words that flow together. You have a good solid start here. You might only have to change a few things and this will be a really great poem.
Besides that, I enjoyed reading it. I actually could picture this queen with the jeweled crown. I thought this was quite good!
Don't like the two exclamation points. And the i's need to be capitalized.
Would sound better as: flowing over her shoulders and down
It really bugged me that you didn't bother to add periods or capitalize your letters. It's one of my pet peeves, and I would have enjoyed this better if you had.
On a more positive note, I liked the creativity. Your flow was good and the language very pretty.
I stand and stare at the dark night sky
a vast inky blanket surrounding the earth
the stars shine with brightness like so many jewels
and i wonder-could they compare their worth?? - woah. redo that rhyme. it totally ruined the stanza.
I think of a Queen with the sky for her robe
and the stars for a glittering crown
her hair, midnight black, swept back from her brow
flows over her shoulders and down
The stars i can glimpse are only a part
of a galaxy defying an end
an extreme liquid fire shedding splendourous light
illuminates one sapphire gem
the jewels of the sky
have no boundaries at all
in a universe woven with love
for boundaries will never begin to exist
without a beginning or end
Okay, I think you shouldn't try to hard to make this poem rhyme. I mean, its a really great poem until the last line of a stanza. I did like this poem though - descriptive and has a lot of good words in it.
KEEP WRITING!
Thanks for all the advice guys, i'll see what I can do...*wanders off to gather inspiration*
I agree. It's got a great idea, but needs some reworking to, as Liz said, "make it yours."
Your rhyming flowed pretty well until here:
All of a sudden, your rhyme scheme disappeared and really ruined a potentially great closing. Where'd it go?
Also, I recommend, some punctuation-- it really assists the reader in pausing where he is intended to.
Example:
"I think of a Queen with the sky for her robe
and the stars for a glittering crown
her hair, midnight black, swept back from her brow
flows over her shoulders and down "
This would be better:
"I think of a queen with the sky for her robe,
And the stars for a glittering crown.
Her hair, midnight black, swept back from her brow,
Flows over her shoulders and down."
Overall, it's okay as is, but with some work could really be something impressive.
Good. You have a solid concept, but it does need a bit of reworking.
The first stanza's a little weak.
Hmm. A little cliche. Stars like jewels? Not that original. Change the simile and it's okay.
The second stanza's better. I like the Queen image.
That's a bit forced. If your rhymes start to sound unnatural, maybe you should question the rhyming.
The third stanza is good, but the last line is a little awkward.
Last stanza...the rhythm falls down here. You have five lines instead of four, and the last one doesn't rhyme. The previous stanzas all follow a traditional pattern and if you abandon it at the end it loses the impact and rhythm, which is important. The last two lines left a lot to be desired. Try for a more powerful ending and it's pretty good! I like the concept, you just need to make it yours.
It was all right. Nothing to grandeur. I mean, it didn't envelop me and really make me read on.
Basically, I think if you dropped the rhyme scheme, "jewels of the sky" is a great mental image you could extricate and, in turn, make this a really beautiful poem.