I made a club-join, please-Know I'm Here....Or I'll be sad like a red panda(Nah, just kidding), but please.
I can see myself in her green glass-like eyes, twinkling like stars on a freezing, dark night. She is too like me, from before twenty years. As fragile as I had once been, as mad in love as I once was. She can't keep her head straight for even once now, bobbing and tilting it even as I try to set her curls. I set the temperature to one eighty degree, and wait for the machine to turn to colour purple. I look at her till then.
Diving down into her eyes, I can see myself standing amongst the cinder-coloured lights, shock ruining my heavily made-up face, holding to the hem of my gown, while shrieking.Walk down to the twenty-year old Jenna's world. That isn't me. But it is me. I mean, I am not like that anymore-the streak of jealousy has long surpassed me, just like the sun fades away in the dull darkness of the clouds. The dangling lights of various colour dance on my face, changing the tone of my skin from pink to green. The angle shifts from me to a dancing couple. They look like a picture from a frame, only the one I'd rather break than cherish. He cocks his head, admires her beauty and clutches tightly to her hands. A flame of anger rises up from my throat, and I groan. The frame changes again to only me and I notice a hand sliding around my waist. I turn. Jake is there. Relief shoots through my crippled self.
"Mom?" Tamara shakes me lightly by my shoulder and brings me to the reality. It is not that prom night twenty years back which is the present, but the one which my daughter, Tamara, would be soon attending. All I pray for is for her prom night to be better than mine had been.
"Oh, sorry, dear!" I start applying foundation rather clumsily on her rosy red cheeks. She looks rather strangely at me, and I scrunch my eyes shut for a moment, and then open them again to find her staring more weirdly. I pretend coughing, but there's her eyes are still holding my attention and scanning me like...I don't know.
"What is it?" I ask in the end, quite irritated by this staring game.
"Ma, you look...so worried." She bites the end of her lip, a small smile of nervousness spraying through her face. I feel a shudder. How could she read me so well?
I try avoiding answering her. "Tam, you have the chilly spray-"
"I have it, and do you want me to carry a golf stick, too, so tat I could beat Jerry with it when-"
"No, spray would do." I interrupt her, and she chuckles, playing with her locks while looking at the ceiling. I get up from the bed and bend down to apply mascara, while she bounces back.
"What?" I ask.
"It's done, mom. I don't wanna look like some Barbie doll."
"But you are my Barbie doll." I blink my eyes, and she makes a disgusted face.
"Phew, mom." It's now my turn to chuckle.
While Tamara's dad hugs her for the last time this night, she shoots a smile at me and I catch it with a huge pleasure, while tapping at my coffee mug. Her white gown sweeps the marble floor beneath her, and she runs towards Jerry. Jerry is a good boy; I always liked him. Simple, handsome and at the same time respectful. He has never never rude to anybody, but that's as far as I can tell. Dressed up in a black tuxedo, and holding his BlackBerry, he says something to Tamara, and she starts giggling.
"Hey, Mrs.-"
"Hey there, Jerry. How's mom?"
"She's good." He waves his hand and starts walking towards his limousine. I wave back, my eyes now looking for my husband. He is standing there, few feet away from the limo, his hands dug deep inside his pockets. He hasn't lost his youth till now; I can make out the outlines of his muscles from behind. His jeans is cut off from various parts like he's some teenager. His matted hair shine in the glistening night of the newborn moon. I smile to myself.
My heart starts beating furiously, like something is knocking on it, and I don't know why. I can make out that the lights coming from the drawing room are dimming out, and I feel short of breath. I try to gather in all the oxygen available, but slowly all I could feel is air escaping through my lungs and creating a bubble inside of my chest. I feel so claustrophobic, like the walls are closing in on me. I try to breathe through nose, but it is so dry. I finally give away. The cup I had been holding falls down with a thud, and then I follow it.
I am now above. Above everything. I can see my husband, my daughter and her date staring at my lifeless body. My hair is lying down like a hair of a broom stick, sweeping the floor. My eyes are closed, my hands by my side. No movement. Nothing to differ me from a dead body. But I am alive.
Maybe it's because there's a story to be told which is why I'm up here. Free from the world for few hours. So I could drive you back to my prom night and a story adjoining it.
Maybe this is the time.
End of chapter
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141,396 Literary Works • 674,387 Reviews
It's put into paragraphs. And choppy. Overall I LIKE IT!
Ok I really like your prologue. It makes me want to read the rest of your story. I can't wait ti finish this so I can go read the rest. Keep up the good work and keep writing. The beginning was a little hard to follow though. I can't wait to read more:)
Hey, Shubs! (Still calling you that.)
So, I noticed that you wanted an overall review of this and I'm glad because I don't exactly feel like nitpicking either. Lately, I find nitpicking to be quite torturous. Anyway, as always, I enjoy reading your writing and ideas but there are still a few things that I'd like to talk about concerning the prologue as it is now.
Firstly, I want to talk about the opening here. I thought it was alright, good enough to get some attention but I think it could have been better. You have some nice wording and what not but the initial pull of it all is missing. You're just using some fancy words to describe the way someone looks at someone else. I think you could have adding some more meaningful thoughts or whatnot to accelerate the pull here.
There was something I noticed while I was reading this that I think I should point out. I thought hat you overused some adverbs in here. It makes the story feel weird and too forced when it comes to description. I don't know if you understand what I'm saying but it feels cluttered in a way. Try simplifying your prose a little, sometimes the little things create the best imagery but in certain cases, well...it varies, I guess. You just need to find you medium ground, I guess.
The interesting thing here was the use of 'frames' in your writing. It made the whole piece sound more like a movie and that makes me feel distant from your character. Maybe I'm just over thinking it or being too nitpicky but I thought I'd share this. When you mention things like the angle changing and whatnot I seriously felt like I was in a movie theater and was watching this scene play out. Oh, yes, I did have popcorn too. Anyway, that's not the main point here, the point is that the use of these words could disrupt the connect with the readers. It'll feel...camera-like instead of feeling like we're right there next to the characters. Okay, maybe I sound crazy. I don't know if it's just me thought. >.> I'm weird like that.
I do have a few points that I want to well, point out. I realized that there were a few instances in which your wording was weird.
ex:
"I pretend to cough (present), but her eyes are still holding my attention and scanning me like...I don't know.
1. I thought there were a few more errors concerning verbs and stuff in this piece than with other pieces. I don't know what happened, maybe you were rushing or maybe I wasn't paying enough attention in the other pieces. However, do not be upset because as far as writing goes, I think you're getting a heck of a lot better. ^.^)b
2. I think there are a few times when you stuff more words into your sentences and make them longer and complicated. Don't do this, short and precise sentences are usually stronger than long wordy ones. Unless you're writing thick prose or poetry. Something like that.
Catch it with pleasure*
You don't need to tell us 'huge'. Actually, it doesn't make a lot of sense is feels like an awkward read.
*He has never been rude to anybody.
Sorry for the small nitpicks but I thought I'd point one or two out for you.
Now, as for the whole prologue and story itself, I think it's quite wonderful. I don't think it's very cliche. Clever little bunny, you're killing your character first. I like how this bit is from the mother's POV too, it's refreshing to read something that isn't 'teen'-minded. It gets boring after a while but you've kept it pretty decent and easy. At first I was afraid you were going into cliche with this, concerning the whole prom night and stuff but it took a pleasant turn and I was surprised with the ending. Good job with that. That's all for the review so if you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
-Pink
Hey, hey to review as promised!
Anyway, let's go on with the review...
x
*glomptacklesattacksshootsscreamscries*
You called a character Tamara, D'awwe
Generally, I did enjoy this. I was reading it the whole time without getting bored and I didn't have to read it twice. Everything was explained really well. I have to say now that this review probably won't be that long because I've had some troubles with it. Sorry...
First off, I know how hard it can be to write in the present tense, all of my attempts have failed...Badly; however you've done a good job of it. I didn't notice and tenses issues at all, and you've chosen the right words to describe things when you're explaining.
You've balanced dialogue a explaining (I'm still yet to learn the proper word) well, here, my main dislike is the big paragraphs. This generally is something that annoys me about someone's work. I'm sure that it could've been broken into two and not make the writing look so...chunky. Sorry, I don't have a very wide vocabulary.
Your dialogue is most of the time very good. You've used the right techniques and rules to make it realistic and make sure it doesn't fall flat. I mean, you've already added a nickname in the dialogue which actually shows a lot about the connection between two characters as they are confortable with calling each other by different names. So, good little technique there, though you might not have been aware of it-I just pick out these things
I didn't really have any major problems with this piece other than the fact that it's mostly just interior dialogue. I know this is just a prologue, so you don't follow all the rules which you do for chapters. I haven't read the other chapters, but make sure there is a balance between action, dialoge, and interior monologue. Also make sure you are using longer sentences for intropective movements and shorter senteces for action.
Alright, I don't really have anything else to say, which is good I guess-meaning you didn't really have any problems. Sorry, again, this review is rather short. Keep writing, m'dear!
~Tamara
Hey there Shubhi.
Wrong phrasing. "She is much like I was over twenty years ago."Mommy's finally here
as I once was.
around?
brings me back to reality.
to be better.
I bet you know why your heart is beating, haha. Did you mean 'beating faster'?
Well Shubhi, done with the nitpicks! I remember the original prologue and I thought this was much better. I'm slightly confused about the ending, though. Is she dead, and watching from up above, or is she merely unconscious? I think a little more description about her 'death' might help clear that confusion.
Great idea you had here, nice emotion portrayed. Nice job.
Mom.
To begin with the positive, I like how you dived right into the story. There were no dull preliminaries and your main character's pain is poignant.
However - and I never thought I would say this - as I was reading there was too much detail. And I'm going to tell you something I recently told another YWS user: When you're finished writing something, go back to the beginning and read everything out loud. Some part of these sentences were awkward.
I would start your piece with the next paragraph, because even though I understand what you're trying to portray, the above portion isn't making too much sense. And while describing the valves of the heart is interesting, it distracts the reader from the point: your character has a broken heart.
Just did a lot of simplifying in the above paragraph, to show you what I mean.
You're doing a whole lot of telling here. Another method I like to use when I'm writing it to close my eyes and envision the scene in my head. That way, a sentence like there were hundreds of eyes watching them and cursing them under their breath for stealing their night turns into many watched Eric and Ellen with furrowed brows. Rough example, but it's short, simple, and gets the point across.
I would cut out this part and end with shattered into a million pieces for a stronger dramatic effect.
All my alterations are purely suggestion. I'm just trying to give you an idea of how to make the sentences clearer. If you have any questions feel free to PM me. Keep writing!