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Dried Streams

by Mg2660


Dried Streams 


And it was no different tonight

That soulful yet poisonous sight, 

Degrading me and once loving beats, 

Making me think again

How bad was I? or I am. 

Losing myself, to the dilemma

Pounding aches, 

With the halting shrieks, 

My dead body responds

With the thumping peaks. 

Drops sidle and flowing retrace. 

Again, mornings will rise with

Those dried streams

Unerased,

Untouched, 

By expected hands


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Wed Mar 06, 2019 11:54 pm
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taylor200418 says...



The words in this poem are very beautiful. I can really feel where the root of the emotion in the poem is coming from(I have no idea if that made any sense). I personally have written poems myself most stuff like this and you did way better than I would have. Overall this poem is amazing and I only recommend one thing and make sure you punctuate the stanzas but other than that your poem is beautiful.



Random avatar
Mg2660 says...


Hey!
"I have no idea if that made any sense"
You are funny ;p
I'll try not be lazy next time to puntuate
Thanks for the appreciation!


Random avatar
taylor200418 says...


thank you! don't worry we all get lazy sometimes and dont punctuate



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Wed Mar 06, 2019 12:22 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on your poem in this lovely day.

Okay so I see this is your first poem, so I'll try to help you as best I can.

Okay so I'm going to start out by talking about the few things that I saw that can be fixed. Okay let's start.

So the first thing I saw was that you don't have any punctuation. Now this is okay with some things, but when you don't have commas and stuff like that, it's hard to pick up the way you want your reader to read your work. Because with out punctuation you poem fells a little rushed. So maybe read through your poem and see where is the best place to put some commas and stuff. I'll show you a place you can put some punctuation.

Degrading me and once loving beats

At the end of this sentence you can put a comma there to help with the flow. You can also put a commas after this line to.
Makin me think again

Now you see the word in bold. I think you meant to say making.

Now the next line needs a question make after it.
How bad was I or I am


Now that's all the stuff I can see that really needs to be fixed. You just need to look through your poem and find more places to put punctuation.

Now what I like. Is the plan you have for you poem. I think your words you picked was really well done. And the name was really well chosen, it drew me in right away, and I new I had to read your poem, so well done. Now I can feel there was some emotion in this poem, so that was good. So over all for your first poem I think you have done a great job.

Well that's it from me for now. I loved reading and reviewing your work for you, and I hope to see you post another work out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.



Random avatar
Mg2660 says...


Hi! FlamingPhoenix
That was helping review!
I'm glad you liked the work too!
Highly grateful for your review.





I'm glad I could help out.
If you want me to review anything else, just give me a shout. :wink:



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Tue Mar 05, 2019 10:16 pm
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kostia wrote a review...



Hello there Mg2660

I am Kostia and I will give you a brief review and my humble opinion on this poem of yours!

I will start with the review and I will include my opinion in the end.

The title: I really liked your title, it was powerful and imaginative, representing the dramatic synthesis of this poem. So very good choice of title! Well done!

Gramar, Vocubulary and phrasing:

The words you used were for the most part were strong, emotional and somber. It was simple and easy to read. I believe you made a good choice of words to express the emotional distress you wanted. I like the fact that you didn't use complicated and long words and that you decided to keep it as simple as possible.

I don't have any grammar comments to note. Everything seems to be okay, however I could be mistaken since I am not a native speaker.

Structure:

So there were some issues here. I don't know wether it was intentional or the site just messed with your formating but you should add stanzas to that. If the site messed up with the formating of the poem try presing (shift) and (enter) together to create gaps between the lines.

If not I would recomend you to seperate it to stanzas. Even if your poem is small, it would look better with stanzas.

You didn't choose to make your verses rhyme which is totally okay for the present poem. I don't mind free verse writing, on the contrary I think it is very fiting in some cases.

However be careful of the verses that do rhyme because that can be confusing for the readers.
E.g.

"And it was no different tonight

That soulful yet poisonous sight"

As I always say if parts of it rhyme then free verse writing is not a good choice for it.

Other than that I was really confused with the following verse:

"Degrading me and once loving beats"

I didn't quite get what you meant here.


Suggestions:

"How bad was I or I am"

I think you should rephrase here it would sound better if it was a bit altered. If I was you I would make that two verses. But the way you have it now is just fine as well.

Other than that Ireally liked the closing verses, they made your ending very strong and beautiful:

"Those dried streams

Unerased Untouched

By expected hands"

With that being saidI would like to note that personaly I would preffer the word "loving"
rather "expected "here.

My opinion:

I believe this was an honnest poem written with deep feelings. The content of it was very emotional and dramatic. This part was very fairly executed however I believe it needs some work on the imagery. Over all I liked it. It was a good read. Good for you!

Keep writing!

Best regards
Kostia



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Mg2660 says...


Hello Kostia!
Surprisingly! I had never expected such a detailed humble review!
Highly appreciate your help and am thankful for your appreciation.

Regards
Mohit


Random avatar
Mg2660 says...


Sorry I forgot something.
The line "Degrading me and once loving beats" denotes the degradation of self respect and love that used to beat in the heart.




No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face.
— John Donne