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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hmmm. I did not fall asleep. Can I have cookies? XD
What I did do was become irate.
The main issue is the massing extra words. EG:
Do you remember? When you said you wanted grass, greener than mine and then you left, your golden strands of hair fluttering in the bothersome sunset wind?
OR:
Do you remember? You wanted grass, greener than mine--
so you left; your golden strands of hair fluttering in the sunset wind.
Do you see how a simple change in structure changes the flow?
Now: this is alot of telling, a story almost. Poetry makes the story different, makes it...well...poetic. Try to shift from telling to painting. You want to paint a picture in poetry--draw out the meaning.
By the fifth stanza, you dropped into the "You know...you said....you remember...you left..." pattern. Try to mix it up, let it out.
Hope this helped!
-Evang.