Published March 24, 2007
We gorge ourselves
thus we grow fat
and drink therefore
our livers rot,
unconsoled we hurtle on
towards the fate our fathers knew
slow suicides to save their sons
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Ahh sorry that was me misreading it.
I would change it to "liver's" but seeing as how it is neither, the abbreviated or the "rot" that belongs to the liver i dont feel that it is necessary. But i think i may take you up on the full stop.
Could you make livers, liver's? I thought it was something quite different when I first read it.
Short and to the point. In this case the conciseness enhances the message. I feel like life for those sons is short through the length of your poem.
Possibly a full stop at the end of "livers rot", just to divide the poem up more so the two parts are clearly defined.
The alliteration of "slow" and "suicides" works well in the final line. Overall it is a good poem due to its content. Because of its direct manner I can really feel the death more. Just add in a little more punctuation, it will help the sentences lead on to each other.