Published November 20, 2005
[u]A Familiar Path[/u]
I stroll through night’s streets, the cool air gently numbs my skin and I welcome it. Each breath seems to linger at the back of my throat and inside my nose, the feeling is one that is so dear to me that I anticipate and long for the next breath. My path takes me through pulses of warm orange light, but my goal isn’t quite a reality, it is just a memory reclaimed with each step. Dark veined leaves cast flitting shadows into the islands of warmth and although I understand them they unnerve me. Clear footsteps approach me and reach a subtle crescendo before passing away into the night. I think of her who stood beside me the one memorable time I walked this familiar path, but in her presence the night was absent, all that was without was absent and she was within. A bell chimes far off and once more, what is without caresses me with cool hands and cold ember glow that are but memories of her warm embrace and blazing love.
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141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So that was a really short piece. Umm although it is really short I can actually see some pretty heavy emotion in it. I'm imagining quite a bit here and I think you can really interpret this in several ways given how little detail we get. The sad thing is that none of those aforementioned interpretations can be anything good from what I understand. Predictably for something as short as the flow is great and the message is vague but somehow also clear. And the language you've used is also great.
Anyway let's get right to it,
So some really beautiful imagery that I am seeing here. I don't see anywhere where I can tell you to add something or get rid of something. So yaa this review is basically me trying to interpret this and gushing over how well written it is.
Aaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So like I said the interpretations are not great because it appears this man is taking about losing a loved one, and that is always not a very happy thing to read about. I think you capture the emotions really well in this piece. So great job good sir/madam.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Cheers Brian, haven't edited it online yet but it seems to flow a bit better now.
Good flash fiction! But your grammar needs some work; you got a lot of comma splices in here.
"Each breath seems to linger at the back of my throat and inside my nose, the feeling is one that is so dear to me that I anticipate and long for the next breath."
You got a comma splice problem here; that is, you're using a comma instead of a period. The general rule is that if you want two sentences to be just one sentence, and there's no conjunction joining them, then you need to use a semi-colon instead of a comma. In this case, changing the comma after nose to a semi-colon solves your comma splice problem.
"Dark veined leaves cast flitting shadows into the islands of warmth and although I understand them they unnerve me."
Here you just need a comma before "and" since you got two independent clauses.