John—head down—opened the door and hurled the dirty water into the alley.
“Hey! Watch it!”
John lifted his head. A boy of about sixteen—two years older than John—was looking down at his shoes where John had just accidentally flung the water. John sighed. Oh great, here we go again. Why does Kendall even come around here?
“I just got new boots and you just flung water from that filthy floor onto them.” Kendall said looking at John. “That isn’t nice.”
John groaned. “Neither is you coming around every day and annoying me.” John knew as soon as he said those words that they wouldn’t go over well with Kendall.
“Me annoy you? I never throw dirty water on your new boots.” Kendall laughed. “Then again, you never have any boots to throw water on.”
John glanced down at his bare feet. “So?”
“So why do you do that to me?”
“It was an accident,” John said, knowing that Kendall didn’t care. That’s what I say every time…not that it isn’t true.
“I suppose it was an accident just like that time when you threw that apple in my face?”
“Oh come on, Kendall that was because you tried to take my food.”
“Me steal? Never, you little brat.” Kendall took a step closer. “Besides, that doesn’t explain the time where you dropped that pie onto my shirt.” He said, in an arrogant tone.
“That was an accident. I was trying to be nice to you and I tripped. And if I’m not mistaken it was because of your friend. That fat one, whatever his name is.”
“Fat? That’s not nice either. OK, enough talk, John you’ve pushed me to the limit.” He spoke as if he was royalty and expected to be treated with so much respect.
John took a step back into the hall, and Kendall took another step closer. “Leave me alone.”
Kendall laughed. “Why? You’re so much fun.”
“Yeah, to make fun of and beat up.”
“And I suppose its fun for you to throw stuff on me.”
John rolled his eyes. What is his problem? He acts as if I do that on purpose.
“Don’t roll your eyes at me. Have some respect for your elders.” Kendall gripped John’s shirt. “This is a warning; one more ‘accident’ and you’ll be sorry you were ever born.”
Kendall released John and stepped back. John was surprised. He expected at least a few punches. Kendall turned to leave, then stopped. “Oh, I forgot. My friend, the fat one, he doesn’t like being called that. He said to say hi to you.”
Kendall pounded his fist into John’s stomach. John crumpled to the floor as the wind was knocked out of him. He struggled to breath and couldn’t restrain from crying as his stomach ached horribly from the blow.
Kendall smiled. “See you tomorrow, John. And you better hurry with that floor because Brother Victor was almost here from his annual walk when I arrived. He’s probably entering the main hall just about now. You might be able to finish the hall in time…good luck.”
John moaned, not only from the punch but also from the news. Great, Brother Victor is here. Here comes another shouting lecture. He’s always angry. I thought monks were men of God. Since when did God yell at everybody? He was loving and kind to others.
John struggled to his feet and grabbed the bucket. He was about to head to the well in back of the building, when a thundering voice echoed down the hall.
“JOHN ! Come here immediately!”
John let the bucket clatter the stone floor and began to walk towards Brother Victor.
“Pick up the bucket and set it right-side up!”
John did so and then walked down the hall to where Brother Victor stood, hands to his sides, staring down at John with an unsatisfied look on his rat-shaped face. He had a small bit of white hair on his head and was dressed in his big brown robe, with a long necklace of cross hanging down to his belly.
“John, I remember instructing you to clean these halls before I returned. It appears you have not done so. Again! Why can you not do these simple tasks?” He didn’t wait for a response. “You must be punished. You will finish these halls and then go to the market with Brother Fred. After that you shall return and muck out the stables. You shall have no food for supper and you will have no time for reading tonight.”
John barely stopped himself from sighing or rolling his eyes. It would merely earn him more work. He lamely said: “Yes Brother Victor.”
“You will speak to your elders, not mumble!”
“Yes Brother Victor!” John didn’t shout, just spoke loudly, but he felt like it.
Brother Victor seemed satisfied for time being. “Very well, do not waste anymore time here, get to work.”
And here we go for the third time this week.
John led Brother Fredup the gradual incline into the village. The monastery lay at the base of the hill outside of the village’s stockade. It was built long before the village when a band of monks were seeking out a more secluded spot to live. They settled along the lazily floating river beside the hill, and gradually more people came and the village grew.
John now stopped at the palisade gate as the guards checked to see if he could enter. When they saw it was John and Brother Fred, they let them in. John looked back as the gate closed behind them. That’s how it had been for thirteen years. Ever since the king died in a mysterious fire and the crown for his son had been stolen, the kingdom plunged into chaos. Three sides had formed, fighting for the crown.
John and Brother Fred reached the top of the incline and stopped. The village was split down the middle by vendors with stalls and carts full of fruits and vegetables, as well as a variety of other miscellaneous items. Behind the vendors were rows of thatch cottages, separated into lots, giving each house a little bit of privacy.
John and Brother Fred headed for their usual vendors, smiling to folks as they passed them. Most were peasants dressed in simple clothes, but a few had more finely made garments. Three guards meandered through the crowd, making sure everything was peaceful.
John felt free for the first time as he squinted up at the sky as a few lazy clouds floated along. A pair of birds flew in and out of view. The sunshine felt warm, but not too hot. This is how I want to live. Not in some monastery cleaning floors. Why am I in the monastery anyway? Just because Brother Victor wants a helper? How did I come here?
“You go get the bread and meat; I’ll pick out the fresh fruit and vegetables.” Brother Fred said, heading slowly in the opposite direction.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there, at last Knight Cailey here with the review I've been meaning to give for quite some time.
Okay, so this was good, and I don't have as much to say about this chapter as I have for some of the others. Then again, I usually end up saying more than I mean to anyway.
I like the conflict you created for John, (I'm guessing he's the main character for this segment of the story?) first in the older boy, and then with the monk. Right away we get to see that he's like the underdog, and that makes it easy to identify with him and want to stick up for him. I mean, everyone's been bullied in some form my some one, so anyone can identify with John.
However, it seems like in his particular situation he would have a more submissive attitude towards everyone. If he grew up in the monastery with the mean brother always on his case about something and always mad, it seems like he would have learned to be way more humble and almost afraid of everyone.
And later with the other boy it seems like he would be more afraid then he is, especially if this isn't the first time he's been punched, which is doesn't seem like it is.
So maybe he would be angry on the inside, and you could add more of his thoughts and show that he's really upset and planning revenge (or maybe it's totally opposite and his emotions are showing that he's going to pray for the other guy and feels sorry for him or something because of growing up in the monastery. [I don't know, that's up to you, but you didn't really show any of that in this chapter, and I think it would be good if you did.])
But on the outside I think John would act more afraid and more submissive rather than standing up to the brother and the boy.
Other than that, I really don't have much to critique. As always, I'm intrigued to see where you go with this next section and how you combine it. But I'm guessing this is the same little boy that was carried away from a fire?
/thank you. I actually started out writing John as just a normal person, and then remembered I wanted him to be more afraid and started adding that. I will gt on it sometime soon and let you know when i do. I need to edit a lot of stuff from reviewers on the other chapters as well. Thanks !!
You're 14? This is extremely well written!
It actually reminds me of my writing when I was your age (not trying to sound like an egomaniac, it just really does remind me of older stuff I've written.) You have a good variety in your sentence structure and there are no obvious grammatical errors that I am aware of. This really looks promising and I'm telling you right now that in the future you will grow so much as a writer if you are writing this well now 
You have a great vocabulary and you enriched this story with amazing detail and dialogue. You caught my attention and maintained it throughout the story, good work! It was interesting, not boring at all. Your main character has personality and is realistic. My only advise to you is to continue writing! Keep up the good work! 
Thanks a lot. I believe God has given me a writing talent and I intend to pursue it in full force. I do have the next 7 chapters written out. I'd be happy if you would check out the beginning of this story.
I would love to
Thanks!