z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Purple Punches Chapter 1 - Purple Business

by Messenger, Sonder


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Chapter 1 - Purple Business

Stanton city, USA: June 14, 2017

Violet

The warm evening air was comforting after a drearily wet morning of damp concrete and overflowing gutters in Stanton city. The dark umbrellas had been folded and tucked away, and the urban creatures were beginning to stir once more.

Among the disgruntled pigeons perched on the edges of the rooftops sat a slender girl with dull brown hair. She swung her legs as she watched the dots of people moving below her apartment complex. They looked so helpless, so miniscule and insignificant. Raven knew from experience that these humans were nowhere near as invincible as so many people thought they were.

Brushing some unruly strands of hair behind her ear, she scanned the street below once more before jumping back onto the roof, headed for the ladder that led to the alley before. It was time for the evening patrol. She swiped her backpack from beside the door back into the apartment building, fumbling for the zipper along the side.

Swinging out and down the fire-escape ladder, Raven made the final jump to land on the lower building next door. By now she had rummaged through the pack to pull out the lump of violet-colored clothing buried in the bottom. The new building had a large air-conditioning unit around the gravel covering the roof, and she used its cover to her advantage to change from her street clothes into the purple bodysuit and black climbing boots. She threw her hair into a loose ponytail and tucked it under her collar before pulling a dark mask over her eyes, the final touch to her transformation.

Clicking the ever-present Blue-tooth in her ear, Raven murmured, "You there, Jack?"

A slightly robotic male voice replied in an indignant tone, "Really, now, Miss Keely, you know I prefer my full name, Jack-Al*. Or have you forgotten it?"

Raven huffed in annoyance. "I don't think I programmed you to be this sassy."

"You didn't, now?" the artificial intelligence snickered.

"No. Now shut up and check the systems."

Jack mimicked a sighing sound, an impressive feat considering he didn't breathe. Raven laughed as she bent down to tie her boots, then checked her tool-belt, inlaid in her suit.

"You are too dramatic, Jack."

"Jack-Al. And yes, miss. You made me, after all."

"All tools fully functional for evening patrol?" she inquired, ignoring his sarcasm.

There was a whirring sound as Jack proceeded with protocol. "Check."

"Great. Ready for takeoff."

Raven pulled out her grappling hook gun and aimed at the building across the street. She fired and took a deep breath before swinging several stories above ground level to drop onto a side balcony. The summer air felt so sweet, and Raven got distracted in the lovely feeling of faux-flight. Landing off balance, she stumbled and accidentally knocked over a flower pot, causing a crash loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood.

"Nice landing." Jack sniggered. Even the AI heard it.

"Shut up." Raven growled, and jumped over the railing of the balcony, shooting her grappling hook at the last second to slow her descent, landing softly in the dark, dank alley below.

"Looks like a lovely place for crime, right, Jack?" she commented, looking over the filthy dumpsters, soggy cigarettes, and piles of colored paper, obviously left over from drug dealers. The muddy smell of the nearby river and garbage clogged her nose, chasing away all remnants of the peaceful scents of summer she had felt moments ago.

The robot hurumphed. "You just love to taunt me, don't you. No eyes, remember?"

"Oops, silly me. Start the scanner."

"Yessir." Raven could almost hear the eye roll in Jack's tone.

While she waited for the criminals who were sure to show up, she occupied herself by prying open the lid of one of the less disgusting dumpsters, searching for any gadget parts to salvage. This business building beside her sometimes had some great computer components.

~ ~ ~ ~

Timothy Hawkins

The smell of cleaning spray and fresh carpet was everywhere as Timothy Sr., tall, muscular, dressed in business attire, accompanied by Timothy Jr., attired similarly with a red instead of blue tie, and tan instead of black suit coat and pants to match, walked briskly through the newly built Hawkins Industry Headquarters. Together there was no mistake that they were father and son. They both had ebony hair, parted down the middle, chins held high, business-like postures of backs straight, no smile, briefcases tucked under their arms.

Tim, as Timothy Jr. was referred to, enjoyed the smell. It was the smell of new offices, new carpets, newly painted walls. His dad didn't seem to notice. His face was a blank. But that was often the case Tim knew. Either his dad's face was blank, with his lips set in a straight line below a hawkish nose, or his face was livid with rage. There wasn't much in between.

While most teenagers would have been upset to have to dressed this way after coming home from school, Tim, however, enjoyed it. He felt a sense of dignity and respect being the son of the wealthiest man in Stanton City. And if dressing this way was part of the deal, he was glad to take it. After all, not everyone had this chance of a lifetime.

They stepped into an elevator and Timothy pressed the 4 button. There was silence except for the humming of the elevator. Tim and his dad both stood straight, waiting till the door made a dinging sound and opened. They stepped out in unison.

A lobby greeted them, decorated with fake trees in holders, a grey-green carpet design, white walls and dark trim. There was a half-oval desk spanning twenty feet at the center, lined with computers and attendants. A few people walked by, dressed in business attire.

Tim advanced to the desk with his dad. The woman at the desk looked up and said blandly: "Mr. Williams is here. He's waiting by your door." She pointed to the left where a short red-haired man sat on a bench, briefcase tucked between his legs, fidgeted. The door next to him had a gold plaque that read Office of Mr. Hawkins, President.

The pair opened the door and Williams took it as a cue to follow. The office was new like the rest of the building, the walls covered in pictures of former company owners. One rectangular window provided a view out across the city of Stanton. Tim stood behind his dad's large swivel chair as he delved immediately into the business at hand.

Tim listened intently as Williams began. "Mr Hawkins, sir, thank you for taking the time to see me."

Timothy merely nodded. "Proceed."

"Yes sir." The red-headed man squirmed in his chair and licked his lips. "I am here in place of Mister Colton who was suddenly called away out of state. Now," and he pulled out several papers from his briefcase, "here are the maps of the areas which you wish to buy from Colton Company."

Tim looked over his dad's shoulder and surveyed the black-and-white outlines. There seemed to be plenty of room for anything you might want to build. In this case it was a insurance buildings for his ever-growing company. He said nothing. Reacted in no way. Neither did his dad till he finally looked back to Williams.

"I do not see district three-sixty-seven through three-sixty-nine. Now when I spoke with your boss, he told me that the deal would include districts three-sixty-one to three-forty."

Tim internally smiled. This small, nervous man had no idea what a bad mistake that was. The man fidgeted.

"I'm, sorry Mr. Hawkins, but Mr. Colton has decided he wishes to retain possession of those districts."

Tim wasn't sure what it was that drew him away, just as his dad was no doubt about to unleash a tirade of words, but he turned to look out the window, parting the blinds, and saw a flash of purple down below a half-block away. Then it appeared again, straight below the office that he now occupied. It was at the side of the headquarters that nearly touched the river, and was used as the place for dumpers and all those things.

Tim squinted, realizing that it was no flash, but someone dressed in a purple tight-suit, a strange mask on their face, moving quickly. They looked around, then began to rummage through the dumpsters.

Tim said, "Excuse me Dad," and slipped out of the room. A few seconds later he could hear a lot of shouting coming from the office. Tim ignored the stares from those in the lobby, and slipped down the elevator.

He quickly made his way down three hallways, and found himself at a fire exit. He pushed open the door which led to an alleyway. Obviously this was the side of Hawkins Industries that no one ever saw. There were several dumpsters and trashcans, and the walls were covered in graffiti.

Voices from behind caused Tim to spin. coming his was were two guys, dressed in black shirts and pants hanging down well below their waists. They were discussing something and seemed to be getting mad at each other.

Before Tim could react, one of them spotted him. They looked at each other and then the guy flicked a blade from his back pocket. He approached Tim who shied back.

"Hey, kid, Scram."

Tim stood still for a second, not sure what was going on.

"Now!" the guy yelled. Tim jumped, heart beating, and turned to leave, only to stumble into someone clad in purple tights and what looked like a utility belt.

"Don't. Anybody. Move."

As/N: The rating is for the entire story, readers! Yes, this chapter had no violence, but latter chapters will, so we felt it best to rate it as if it were a published book!

*Artificial Intelligence


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1634 Reviews

Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Donate
Wed Jun 25, 2014 3:44 pm
Deanie says...



This was great!
I don't really have anything to add that previous reviewers haven't already covered. But do keep me updated :3




Messenger says...


dis is a good review XDDD so long and tip-filled and all :P



Deanie says...


Sssh



User avatar
396 Reviews

Points: 27
Reviews: 396

Donate
Tue Jun 24, 2014 2:36 pm
Pompadour wrote a review...



*cocks hat* Mess, Night. G'day.

Lemme cover the nit-picks and other description-related shtuffs real quick and then we'll talk about the chapter, okay?

The warm evening air was comforting after a drearily wet morning of damp concrete and overflowing gutters in Stanton city.


Too many adverbs! They're all lining up, one after the other. Also, since you've already told us that the morning was "drearily wet," the "damp concrete" thing struck me as kind of unnecessary. This whole sentence just whizzed by, to tell you the truth, and I think it would be better off if you divided it up and varied the "wet" descriptions; it'd be more engaging, and also more of a hooker. I do like the scene you've managed to create here, though, because rainy day scenes are splendiferous and an absolute pleasure to read.

Amongthe disgruntled pigeons perched on the edges of the rooftops laid a slender girl with dull brown hair.


There should be a space between "among" and "the." Also, the verb "laid" makes me think of porcelain dolls on a shelf. It's inactive, and makes me think of the girl as a non-living thing. I'd suggest substituting this with something more appropriate, like "perched/sat" or whatever floats yer boat.

She swung her legs as she watched the dots of people moving below her apartment complex. They looked so helpless, so miniscule and insignificant. Raven knew from experience that these humans were nowhere near as invincible as so many people thought they were.


Okay, one thing: miniscule should be spelled at minuscule. Apparently it's a very common error. I wasn't sure about "miniscule" being wrong so I searched it up and found this:

But even though the spelling miniscule is slightly more frequent, it hasn't yet become accepted as standard English and you should still treat it as an error to be avoided.


You can read the rest of the article here.

Also, a couple more things:

1] This was such an opportunity for description! Somehow, I feel as if the "tell" outweighs the "show" part of this. Throw in come imagery! Ask yourself, as you write, just how the people look insignificant. Ants are overdone, so focus on something else. Maybe inky blobs moving along paper? Think about it.

2] Switch in perspective. I take it you're writing in Third Person Omniscient? Nice. It's actually my favourite kind, although some people prefer First Person ... *coughs* Anyway, I don't really have any problems with this, but one thing you've got to be careful of is that detached-ness. It's all action and lack of thought, or mostly just "Raven knew this," "Raven knew that." As you move on with the story, you break through this invisible wall, and things really start flowing there. I'd suggest a bit more elaboration in the beginning-ish paras, just to get your reader more involved and also be able to "see" things better.

... headed for the ladder that led to the alley before.


"Before"? Do you mean "below"?

She swiped her backpack from beside the door back into the apartment building, fumbling for the zipper along the side.


~ "In" would help the sentence flow better instead of "into", methinks.

Clicking the ever-present Blue-tooth in her ear,


The hyphen in bluetooth is unnecessary. Also, it doesn't really need to be capitalized.

"You are too dramatic, Jack."


This flowed a little weirdly for me, mainly because I doubt anyone speaks without contractions anymore, or if they do then it's a little starchy. I think it'd be better if the "You are" was shortened to a: "You're."

causing a crash that must have waken the whole neighborhood.


~ "waken" should be "awakened," since this is past tense.

Even the AI heard it.


So I notice that Noelle's already pointed this out, and I do happen to know what an AI is--Artificial Intelligence. Thank you, Cleverbot!--but I doubt all your readers happen to be acquainted with the term, in which case it'd be better to drop a hint about what AI actually means. Also, make sure that you keep a steady beat between referring to the AI as Jack, then Jack-AI to simply AI. This could create confusion, like over here:

"Nice landing." Jack sniggered. Even the AI heard it.


That second sentence ... it feels like it's being tagged on, like someone clutching onto a precipice. I couldn't help thinking what a good thought this would make, maybe add a tinge of bitterness? You're writing in Third Person Omniscient, which gives you free rein to enter your character's mind between balancing out that "I can see everything you're doing" handle on things.

"Shut up." Raven growled,


You need a comma in place of that period, since the dialogue is followed up with a tag.

The robot hurumphed. "You just love to taunt me, don't you.


~ Typo: "hurumphed" should be "harrumphed."

~ Also, that period should be a question mark.

The smell of cleaning spray and fresh carpet was everywhere as Timothy Sr., Tall, muscular, dressed in business attire, accompanied by Timothy Jr, attired similarly with a red instead of blue tie, and tan instead of black suit coat and pants to match, walked briskly through the newly built Hawkins Industry Headquarters.


Whoa. Whoa-oaaa. Too fast--too fast! Break this down and go easy on the description, spacemen! Break this down into three or more sentences. Another thing: The heavy description on attire is kind of extra; you've told us they were in suits. Okay. Does the colour of their clothes matter? I don't think so. So cancel out that bit of description; it's not taking us anywhere. Besides, you mention the fact that they looked really alike a couple sentences later, so you're pretty much repeating yourself, except more concisely.

Anywhoo, the purpose of this is to remind you to focus.

Another thing: The transition was kind of off. When I first saw the words "Timothy Hawkins" in italics, halfway through the chapter, I thought the words might have popped up on the computer or something, and I'll admit it threw me off quite a bit. Might I suggest the use of asterisks (*) to show page breaks? Also, the fact that you highlighted the POV struck me as unnecessary, since you aren't writing in a Limited perspective at all, but Omniscient. It's really easy to get confused between the two, but I think Omniscient is working for you--so go for it!

A couple of articles that might help in the writing process:
:mrgreen: Point of View Within Third Person
:mrgreen: Third Person <--- Look at what Rosey says about this.

While most teenagers would have been upset to have to dressed this way after coming home from school, Tim, however, enjoyed it.


~ The "however" is unnecessary, seeing as you've already established a comparison with the word: "while." Cut it out.

Together they stepped out in unison.


"Together" and "unison" mean the same thing. Cut out one of them.

She pointed to the left where a short red-haired man sat on a bench, briefcase tucked between his legs, fidgeted.


Did you mean "fidgeting"? Or "he fidgeted"? I'd suggest you remove the comma and just make the "He fidgeted" a separate sentence. It totally depends on you, though. I just thought it looked a little awkward, is all.

The office was new like the rest of the building ...


Okay, so you say the building was new but then follow up with talking about how pictures of previous company owners were hanging on the walls. I get what you're trying to say here, and I assume that the company might have moved to a new building. I'm not supposed to be making these assumptions, though, so some clarification--a sentence, maybe--would be nice.

In this case it was a insurance buildings for his ever-growing company.


It should either be "an insurance building", or just "insurance buildings."

Tim internally smiled.


This flowed awkwardly, again. Switch up the words "internally" and "smiled" so it reads as: "Tim smiled internally."

Tim wasn't sure what it was that drew him away, just as his dad was no doubt about to unleash a tirade of words, but he turned to look out the window, parting the blinds, and saw a flash of purple down below a half-block away.


Alrighty, so this bit was really sudden and rather unrealistic. You're saying there was this amazing power, this ... magnetic impulse that caused Tim to look out the window? Powers stronger than we know at work here? I find that hard to believe, even with the whole superhero deal you've got going here. I think I'd find this scene easier to read to if, say, Tim yawned or something, or maybe walked over to the window, since he's obviously used to scenes like these if he visits his father's office quite often. For every effect, there is a cause. Explore it, even if you do so very briefly; make it believable.

"Yes sir."


Ye need a comma between "Yes" and "sir", gentlemen.

Tim said, "Excuse me Dad," and slipped out of the room. A few seconds later he could hear a lot of shouting coming from the office. Tim ignored the stares from those in the lobby, and slipped down the elevator.


Again, this scene was too fast and could be better developed, I feel. Drag in some description! Taste, touch, sound, sight and smells. I want to hear the thump of Tim's footsteps on the carpeted hallways, the expression on his face when he hears the sound of people shouting. I want to see him blink in surprise at the window when he sees the flash of purple, brow quirking up with curiosity. There's always room for character development in the most subtle of ways. Harness them!

coming his was were two guys,


~ The "c" in "coming" should be capitalized 'cause it's a new sentence and "was" should be "way." Also, "two guys"? Pretty vague if you ask me. Two hulking boulders of men I understand, but the word "guys" just doesn't suit.

They were discussing something and seemed to be getting mad at each other.


Don't tell us--show us. The key question here is how? How were the two men discussing whatever it was that they were discussing? Were they whispering fervently? Or arguing loudly, not breaking eye-contact as they spoke? Why did Timothy think they were getting "mad" at each other? Shooow us!

He approached Tim who shied back.


Shied back? I'd have been scared out of my wits. Are you sure he didn't backtrack immediately? I mean, it was a darn blade for goodness' sake!


"Hey, kid, Scram."


The "s" in "scram" doesn't need to be upper-capped.

Okay, enough of nit-picks. Let's talk emotion and characters. Let's talk transition. I think you handled the beginning well enough, and I actually really enjoyed reading this because it was pretty Horowitz-esque, and I love fast-paced stuff anyway. One problem I feel you guys have is that it's too fast-paced at times, and the beginning was slower than after the chapter break. Yeah, sure, there's tons more action, but you might want to build up on the characters and setting. Your characters need more emotion. They need more face. Not, like, "his eyes were blue" or anything, but the way they respond to the environment and other characters. I liked Raven better than Tim, although I wanted to like Tim even better 'cause he's the rich kid whose life's turning upside down. It's interesting, but it needs to be steadier as well as more engaging. Your characters are people, remember! Even if they're super-amazing, butt-kicking,upper-cutting, biff, boom, bam kinda people. Fill in the white spaces. Don't rush through description but don't hurl blocks of it our way either. Show it to us through action, response, thought-processes, etc. Get what I mean?

On the other hand, I did actually like this. I liked Raven and I liked Jack, especially their dialogue. It's quirky yet steady, and was fun to read through.

I hope this helped. Keep writing! Keep up the wonderful work and keep me updated!

Cheers,

~Pompadour




Messenger says...


No wonder youz a better writer then me :P Anyway, thanks for the review. Some of those nitpicks I just fixed, and me and Night will discuss and upgrade the other areas as well . : Thank you Pompsies

~Messenger



Sonder says...


*dies* You are amazing. Thanks so much for this.



Pompadour says...


No problemo! I'm glad I could help!
You'd better keep me updated.



User avatar
179 Reviews

Points: 15489
Reviews: 179

Donate
Mon Jun 23, 2014 9:33 pm
View Likes
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work, Mess and night. I hope this helps.

Here are a few nit-picks I found. By the way, if you are both fifteen than why are you rating this sixteen? And yes I know I shouldn't be reading this because it is rated sixteen on up Mess.

Amongthe disgruntled pigeons perched on the edges of the rooftops laid a slender girl with dull brown hair.
You need a space inbetween the first two words, a girl could only be on the edge of one rooftop and i think it should be lay. I also agree with Noelle about the contadictiong itchy next sentence.

causing a crash that must have waken the whole neighborhood.
"Waken should be changed to woken.

Together they stepped out in unison.
This is too repetitive. Chose "together" or "unison".

Timothy Sr. merely nodded. "Proceed."
This is contraictory. I would also recomend you use the name Timothy in reference to the father and Tim in reference to the son instead of Sr. And Jr.

He said nothing, reacted in no way.
You need a conjuction to join the phrases.

Now when I spoke with you boss...
I think you meant for "you" to be "your.

dressed in tees and pants...
tees should be T Shirts.

"Don't. Anybody. Move."
I think this should be one sentence with an "!" at the end.

So the chapter itself was alright Night but I thought you could have used a little more dialogue or at least thoughts. [The reason I assume you wrote this is Mess doesn't have this many errors (no offense) and you replied to Noelle's review. I hope I am right.]

The only major problem (with the chapter anyway) is that you switched POV's in mid chapter without warning. You pretty much introduced two characters and then flitted over to two more all of a sudden. Happy writing!!! :D




Messenger says...


there is no middle rating so it's sixteen. it's a loose rating. Also, actually we made about an equal amount of mistakes, and generally i make way more than Night. So yeah . . . anyways, there was supposed to be a space to switch POV, but YWS likes to gobble them up, so we'll just do like some dashes.



User avatar
1417 Reviews

Points: 3733
Reviews: 1417

Donate
Sun Jun 22, 2014 2:42 am
View Likes
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Among the disgruntled pigeons perched on the edges of the rooftops laid a slender girl with dull brown hair. She swung her legs as she watched the dots of people moving below her apartment complex.

Here you say she was laying on the roof, but then she's swinging her legs and watching the people below her. How can she do that if she's laying down?? Just thought I'd point that out.

I think Jack is an interesting character. He's not like a normal robot; he has feelings and has created his own sense of self. It's always interesting to see nonhuman things become human like. And it's a nice way to develop Raven's character as well. It's fun to see her argue back and forth with Jack. She made and programmed him, but she still can't really control him.

Even the AI heard it.

What exactly is the AI? Just wondering. I don't think it was mentioned before.

I think you should probably put a line before you change POVs. I honestly thought that Timothy's name was just a part of the story. I didn't notice until later that there was a change in POVs. Also, make sure you put Raven's name at the beginning so we know that the first half is written in her POV.

Another nitpick here:
Tim said, "Excuse me dad,"

Dad should be capitalized. It's always capitalized if it's used as an actual name. And there should also be a comma before the word 'Dad'.

So this is a good first chapter. There's a lot of information here that we learn. The main thing we learn here is about the main characters. There isn't all that much that we learn about them, but there's enough to get me interested in how they live and what kind of lives they live. I know that Tim lives with his father and apparently goes to work with him. But what about Raven? How exactly does she live and who does she live with? Your imagery is good as well. I have a good idea of what the city looks like.

As for your characters, I think they're written quite well so far. We've gotten a good introduction as I've said. There's enough information that we understand who they are and what they're up to, but we also don't get too much information. That leaves a lot of room for some more character development later on.

I can't wait to read more and get into the thick of the story. To be honest I really just look forward to the action and the deep part of the story xD But I know I'll still enjoy the chapters leading up to the "beginning" of the plot.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




Sonder says...


Thanks for the review Noelle! An AI is an artificial intelligence, or robot that can think for itself. We'll take those things into account! Thanks again.




akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon