Hi,buddy.This is a very interesting story! Indeed,so creative
Keep it up!
z
A/N:Special thanks to @ajruby, as well as @Dragonfphoenix, for being willing to supply me with the outfits, and the with characters of this story, to get it as accurate as possible, and as close to their wishes as possible.
Ariana slowed her Arabian to a halt as she reached the crossroads heading out from the library, and the Knights of the Green Room (KotGR) learning campus. She patted her mare’s smoke-colored neck, looking down the road to the campus.
“Where is that knight, eh Star?”
Lady Ariana pulled a canteen out of here saddlebag and took a gulp of water from it. The sun was already burning bright and warming up the landscape, even though it was early morning. She looked around. She was on one of the two dusty roads the converged into one. All around here lay rolling hills of lush green grass and speckled with trees, and she let Star meander over and begin munching on some of the grass.
Ariana dismounted and walked over to a nearby tree, enjoying the shade. She wore a chain-mail neck-piece, as well as a rich green tunic, covered by chest plate and arm guards, and her leather pants were covered in part by leg guards. All of this was good protection against any living foe. There was one problem. The sun doesn’t live.
Ariana sighed, impatient for Knight Dragon to arrive. He had said to meet her here in one hour, because he had one more class to complete.
“What’s the class, stay at the campus as long as possible?” Ariana joked.
She shrugged and unbuckled her sword belt, leaning it against the tree, and then resting herself in the same manner. She closed her eyes for a short nap, sure that if trouble approached, her new horse Stardust would give her fair warning.
``````
Dragon rushed to his personal bed in the campus barracks, knowing he was late by a full twenty minutes to meet with Ariana. His barracks consisted of five beds lined up against the two long walls in the rectangular building.
His bed the last one on the left side of the room, and he skidded to stop at it. Besides every knight’s bed hung his armor and he looked at his options. He could go light and fast, or heavy and strong. He chose the heavy. Within minutes he had, with the help of a fellow knight, donned his armor. It was one of the most admired in all of the KotGR’s fifty suits.
Starting from the top he beat everyone in the fear-striking department. His silver, full-face helmet was adorned with emerald-colored dragon scales, rising at the middle of the helmet, and slowing flowing down the back, decreasing in size. In the sunlight it would shine like fire, and with the rest of his dragon-honoring outfit, including the carving of a dragon had on his chest plat, and the small dragons on his epaulets’, his true warrior-self came out. And to top it off his sturdy oak shield was painted with a green dragon, breathing fire.
He lastly attached his great sword to his belt, pulled on his gauntlets, clanking as he did so, and left the barracks. As he stepped into the sunlight his armor burst into a high-sheen glow, reflecting the sun’s fiery rays. His emerald scales danced on the dusty ground in a mixture of green and yellow flashes of light.
Dragon raced to the stable as fast as he could, weighted down somewhat with his armor. He found his trusty steed Ayla, saddled her, led him out the stables, and mounted him. He waved to a few knights milling around the campus, took one look at the grad castle rising in the background, and pushed his horse forward.
His steed was a fast one, and within minutes he reached the well-beaten crossroads. He looked around and spotted Stardust first, chewing grass slowly. Then he saw Ariana leaning back against a tree. True to her full title, The Silver Lady, her chest plate was the purest silver possible, purified a hundred times, and then cleaned of any nicks. In the end it came out looking like a glowing piece of metal.
Dragon nudged his Ayla lightly, and as they approached, Stardust looked up and nickered softly. Ariana made no visible signs of movement. Dragon sighed as he dismounted.
“Curses! I must really be late.”
The armor plates clashed noisily, and he cringed. 'Way too loud,' he thought as he approached. To a bystander, the sound would have been like metal pans bashing against each other, and the involuntary noise should have been enough to wake up Lady Ariana. Yet still she slept. He leaned over, and tapped her shoulder with his gauntlets.
Quicker than he could move, Ariana flung his face-guard open, and had a dagger to his face. She glared at him with cold green eyes, wiping away a wisp of her blonde hair, and spoke to him in a low accusing voice.
“You are late.”
“Hey, I can’t control the teacher and-?” Dragon began.
Ariana’s eyes turned to slits. “you were arguing with him .”
Dragon thought about it, his eyes looking up, and his frown of concentration appearing. “Well no, we were discussing it but anyway . . . sitting here isn’t going to help us on our mission.”
“Oh no, you’re not getting out of it this easily. This the third time in a row.” Ariana gave a fake smile.
“I’m not. Besides, you realize Messenger has been late for the past month. Every time.”
Ariana didn’t move the dagger. “Is that an excuse?”
“No, just a rabbit trail.”
“Oh, well I hunt rabbits.”
Dragon grinned wide. “Well then shouldn’t you follow its trail?”
“You know what I mean,” Ariana said, rolling her eyes.
“Well are we just going to sit here? And you know I’m not doing it to get out of this situation. I have classes in three hours.”
“Oh,” Ariana pulled the dagger back. “your precious classes. Of course you can’t be late to those.”
Dragon re-donned his helmet and walked over to Ayla. He rubbed down the white streak in her forehead. “You know if I get kicked out, then Messenger will be the highest knight around, and that won’t be a very good reputation to give the KotGR.”
In truth Messenger was a very faithful and trusty knight, but he a knack for sleeping in.
Ariana shuddered in mock horror. “Oh that would be a tragedy. At least he would be dependable.”
“What do you mean?” Dragon asked. “Dependably late?”
Ariana mounted Stardust. “At least with him I can trust him to be late. I never know with you.”
“Well you know-“
“Let’s ride!”
Dragon grinned. He had nothing more to say, but he enjoyed teasing Ariana. Especially since she couldn’t stand it. He grinned wider. Ah, what a life!
This isn't a review but I just want to point out something that bothered me in the first line.
Ariana slowed her Arabian to a halt
*GASP* is this a story about KOTGR!!!!!!
AHHHHH!!!!!!
You are my new favorite person. This may change in the future, but you currently hold top ranking.
Lady Ariana pulled a canteen out of here saddlebag...
“you were arguing with him .”
Great job on this! Excited to see where it's going and what their "mission" is. I think you did really good describing everything to where you could almost see it. I like the dialogue, but in a few places it is slightly unclear who is talking. There were several punctuation errors, but I understand that since it's only a rough draft:) Overall, this is interesting and a good piece of work! Keep writing,
PeanutPhoebe
Smanske15 here to review!
First off, the technical errors:
"Where is that knight, eh Star?"
I would add another comma after "eh."
"...out of here saddlebag..."
You have an extra "e" in the word "her."
"All around here lay..."
Another extra "e" in the word "her."
"...lay rolling hills of lush green grass and speckled with trees..."
Confused on the formatting. Choose either: "...lay rolling hills of lush green grass, speckled with trees..." or "...lay rolling hills of lush green grass and speckled trees..."
"...with trees, and she let Star..."
Sounds too clunky and awkward. I suggest splitting it into two separate sentences.
"...meander over and begin munching on some..."
Once again, sounds awkward. I would instead say something like: "wander off to munch on some..."
You then proceed to say that Ariana dismounted, after saying that the horse had already wandered off to go eat some grass. You need to decide if she dismounts here and then lets her horse go wander off, or if she already has dismounted.
"...covered by chest plate and arms guards..."
Sounds awkward again. I would add an "a" before "chest plate," such as "...covered by a chest plate and arms guards..."
"...and here leather pants..."
Stop adding the "e" to the end of "her!"
"There was one problem. The sun doesn't live."
I grew confused at the wording of these sentences. It's obvious that this is supposed to be dramatic, but I just wasn't sure what you meant. Were you saying that the sun was her enemy in this case? And if so, then there needs to be a colon in between "problem" and "The."
"...here in one hour, because he had..."
You do not need the comma after "hour," and it seems like you just randomly tossed the fact that he had another class randomly in there. We don't need to know that he had another class.
"What's the class, stay at the campus as long as possible?..."
It's obvious that this is a joke on Ariana's part, but the wording makes it impossible for readers to decipher. Instead, try saying, "what, are you trying to stay on campus for as long as you can?"
"...and then resting herself in the same manner.."
This is confusing as well. Change "resting" to "rested."
"...her new horse Stardust would give her..."
Is this the same horse as was mentioned before? If so, you need to make sure that that is clear to your readers. You may know all the details of your story, but the readers have no information at all. For the time being, assume that your readers are stupid.
"...by a full twenty minutes, to meet..."
The comma after minutes is unnecessary and should be deleted.
"His bed the last one..."
Add a comma after "bed."
"...of the room, and he..."
It seems like you stopped what you were writing half way through the sentence. What about his bed?
"Besides every knight's bed..."
Switch the word "beside" with "besides."
"...his armor and he looked at his options."
Add a comma after "armor."
"Within minutes he had..."
Add a comma after "minutes."
"...donned his armor. It was one of the most admired..."
I would combine these two sentences. "...donned his armor, one of the most admired..."
"Starting from the top he beat..."
Add a comma after "top."
"Starting from the top he beat..."
This whole paragraph seems out of place distracts readers from the action. I suggest that you describe what he is wearing as Adriana sees it.
"...at the middle of the helmet, and slowly..."
Delete the comma after "helmet."
"...carving of a dragon had on his breast plat..."
Two errors here: "had" should be "head" and "breast plat" should be "breast plate."
I could continue even with the technical errors, but I really just want to read your story. It has a very captivating start, although I would set the stage a little better. I have no idea where this story is taking place! Is it on Mars? Is it set in the future? You have to let your readers in to your world if you want to share it with them.
Nice job, though! And great job giving credit to those at the beginning--a very nice gesture.
Sincerely,
Smanske15
Knight Dragon (hehehe, that name sounds familiar) here to review!
Technical:
"Lady Ariana pulled a canteen out of here saddlebag and took a small gulp of water from it." "here" should be "her", and how do you take a small gulp? It should be either "small drink" or "sip."
"and here leather pants were covered in part by leg guards." E key been giving you fits again? "her" instead of "here".
"knowing he was late by a full twenty minutes, to meet with Ariana." Delete the comma.
"Besides every knight’s beds hung...", single "bed", not "beds".
"full-face helmet, was adorned" another extra comma. Please delete.
"Quicker then he could move, Ariana flung his helmet off and had a dagger to his throat.", the "then" should be "than", and flinging Dragon's helmet off feels a little awkward. Better maybe to say she knocked his faceguard up with the hilt of the dagger as she brought the knife up.
"I can’t make the teacher explain how to win an argument faster" could better be "I don't control the teacher. It's just that..." and then Ariana could say "Dragon, you were arguing with him again, weren't you?" Dragon says, "No, we were discussing it." And on it goes from there.
"Dragon thought about it, with obvious gestures of his eyes looking up," delete "with obvious gestures of"
Hope this helps!
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