z

Young Writers Society


12+

Kings of the Skies Chapter 4 - A Hectic Afternoon

by Messenger


The stable was empty when Kip and Jumper arrived. It was unusual for there to be no workers of any sort, but with Kip and Jumper both still drying off from the eventful afternoon, she was perfectly fine with it. One less person to bribe not to tell her mother. Just one more night Kip, one more night.

Kip led Jumper into her stall. Dragon stalls varied on the size of the animal, but since Jumper was only four years old and still growing, hers was about fifty by fifty feet across and wide. The skylight was open and so sunshine poured through the open roof at a slanted angles. Particles of dust floated about in a lazy manner. Kip loved when the sun came in like that. To her it was such a calm and reflective atmosphere. Until she pulled the saddle and reins off of Jumper.

Jumper had earned her name a long time ago, and like any other day she was living up to it. The moment Kip released she pranced about back and forth. Kip smiled and hung the saddle and reins on the metal rungs near the massive double doors. She checked to see that Jumper’s trough was full and that there was plenty of food in her feeding bin.

When all was finished Kip turned to leave, crashing into someone. She lost her balance and stumbled to the ground. Turning, she realized that it was Jasper, the Royal Dragon Trainer.

“Oh, Jasper, I’m so sorry!” Kip said, pushing herself to her feet. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Jasper replied in a raspy voice. It sounded as if he had a constant sore throat, but in reality the high pitch was caused by the scar stretching from his right cheek down across his neck to his other shoulder.

He eyed her over once and cackled. “What’d you do this time? Go diving for buried gold? I’ve told you before Kipper, Jumper isn’t a sea dragon.”

Kip let out a small laugh. The old man had a way of brightening your day, even if it was already well. “No, we were just working on the spiral dodge. I think Jumper’s nearly got it!” Kip’s voice rose in excitement.

“What were you dodging, a waterfall?” Jasper teased.

“A pine tree actually,” Kip said. “We clipped it the second time around and I had needed a breather so we landed near a water hole.” Her eyes flicked to the side and a sheepish grin snuck out of her mouth. “We erm, had a water fight.”

At that Jasper let out a loud guffaw. He scratched his balding head. “I wonder where that dragon came from. She’s got a love for water that I’ve never seen in a forest dragon.”

“Well you’ve said before that you found her on a destroyed slaver ship. Maybe she was raised on it. She’s obviously accustomed to being around water.” Kip pointed over Jasper’s shoulder to where Jumper was slurping at her trough. “Case in point.”

Jasper nodded. “Well then, I suppose you’ll have a good time with her these next few days. You think you’ll be able to control her at the docks? I’d hate to give the royal family a bad name because you wrecked the Ivory Harbor docks.”

“I can’t wait to leave!” Kip exclaimed. “I better get back to the castle though. You promise you won’t tell my mother, Jasper?”

“your secret is safe with me.”

“Thanks,” Kip said.

~~~~~

Kip had snuck in through the large dining hall, empty in the middle of the afternoon, and had even managed to slip through the kitchen without anyone spotting her hair in disarray and her half-dried clothes, when she rounded a turn and tripped over something grey and furry. She rolled onto her back and sighed.

“Fern!” she hollered. “Your dog is attempting to assassinate me.” This is not my day for avoiding obstacles.

Fern stomped up from behind clad in leather pants and a brown blouse. She had a foot-long stick in one hand and a handful of berries in the other.

“Why are you all wet,” she asked innocently, coking her head to one side despite the cascade of coal-colored hair that hung across her eyes.

Oh to be fourteen again with not a care in the world, running around with your pet and eating fruit. Kip sighed, pushing herself off the ground for what felt like the fiftieth time.

“I was out with Jumper. But you can’t tell Mother, okay?”

Fern nodded vigorously. She hunched down, petting her grey hound dog. “Not a word,” She whispered.

With that the two of them were off down the hall. Kip took off the other way at a rapid pace passing the walls lined with tapestries of gardens, beaches, and all other manifestations of beautiful scenery. She slowed at each turn in the stone hallways. Right now her top priority was to reach to her private chamber in the fifth floor without her mother seeing her, but a close second was not tripping over any more objects, animals, or humans.

She was up the round stair, past the King’s Royal Chamber the Queen’s Royal Chamber, Fern’s chamber and was reaching for her door when she heard, “Kip?” echo down the hall.

She yanked open her door and shut it as fast as possible. Too loud. That’ll draw suspicion if anything will. She had her back to the wall and listened.> She could hear the click clack of someone walking down the hall. The voice had sounded female but low in pitch. It’s Mother. The knock on the door caused Kip to jump backwards. She let out a small shriek and landed on her plush bed.

“Kip? Are you alright, dear?” the voice was muffled from the sturdy oak door, but it was definitely her mom’s voice.

“Y-yes Mother, I’m fine. Just changing. I was out with jumper.” Her heart was beating rapidly. Oh for goodness sake, all I did was get a little wet. It’s not like I almost died. Well … that not entirely true, I guess.

“Well please hurry. Your Father said he needs to meet with you at the North Gate as soon as you can get out there. He’s got some news on your trip.”

Kip’s heart skipped a beat. “Is everything fine? We’re still going, right?” Kip had been looking forward ot this trip to the sea for over a month. Shed even been especially patient with all of her Queen-in-training duties as she liked to call them.

“I don’t know dear. He didn’t specify anything. I did see a dragon rider standing nearby though.”

“I’ll be right down!” Kip shouted through the door, louder than intended.

Five minutes later, wet clothes in a heap at her bedside, freshly dressed in an olive green skirt and white blouse, she rushed out the door, combing through her hair as she did. Any news about this trip was exciting. But exciting didn’t always mean good. It had already been postponed an entire week because of some news from the eastern border about barbarians and whatnot Kip had only picked up bits and pieces about what it was about.

She reached the stairs and hurried down them, tying her hair back in place. She took an immediate left and went through one door. Sunshine greeted her eyes that had just become accustomed to the dimmer indoor lighting. She winced, sticking her hand out to block the sunlight from her eyes. In front, about two hundred yards out, atop the Sixty-foot tall, stone gate, portcullis up allowing traffic to pass in and out, stood Kip’s father. Next to him there was an assortment of guards as well as a man in what were essentially rags. He had a hand laid on a bluish-gray dragon.

She rushed to the nearby keep and mounted the stairs as fast as her leg could carry her. That was a coastal dragon. Please don’t let there be something wrong at Ivory Harbor.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
359 Reviews


Points: 455
Reviews: 359

Donate
Sun Sep 20, 2015 2:33 pm
View Likes
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review and to help get this out of the Green Room! Obviously, I’ve already read the preceding chapter, so I guess this makes me better equipped to review this one. :)

One less person to bribe not to tell her mother.


I’m probably being annoyingly nitpicky here, but why “one less” person? There could, theoretically, have been more than one worker in the stable. Also, I found it read a little bit awkwardly. Why not, “It meant she didn’t have to bribe anyone not to tell her mother” or something of that sort?

hers was about fifty by fifty feet across and wide.


I’m not sure the second bit is necessary. Maybe, “hers was about fifty feet across and fifty feet wide” or “hers was about fifty by fifty feet”?

She had her back to the wall and listened.>


This felt a bit… hurriedly written? Maybe rephrase it so it reads better. Also, you should probably delete the > (though I suspect it’s probably in by accident) ;)

it was definitely her mom’s voice.


I don’t think I’ve ever really seen the word “mom” or “mum” written in a fantasy novel (aside from perhaps one instance in A Game of Thrones and even then, that really grated on my nerves) It sounds a bit too… modern. I’d replace mom’s with mother’s.

Overall, the chapter was good and I enjoyed reading it. You definitely do need to do some proofreading though, since I noticed quite a few errors and probably too many to list them all here in a review. Like I said before, I’d recommend just reading it through slowly and making sure you edit out all the typos. I can appreciate though that it was for LMS, and so written in a bit of a hurry.

Keep writing!




User avatar
896 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 896

Donate
Sun Aug 30, 2015 3:53 pm
View Likes
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



You're not surprised, I'm not surprised, let's get to it.

I'm super glad that you're continuing on with a perspective! I want to assume the next chapter will also be Kip but there are no promises as I assume we're about to meet up with Cal in that last instance.

You're telegraphing too much information. For example: "Sunshine greeted her eyes that had just become accustomed to the dimmer indoor lighting. She winced, sticking her hand out to block the sunlight from her eyes. " You don't need that whole first line, because the second line says exactly that only in that joyous 'show don't tell' way that YWSers are always harping on about. You do this all throughout your chapters, small lines or words that just aren't needed in the paragraphs. I think by reading this out loud you'll be able to see all the places where unnecessary lines have crept in. You should begin to stumble over them, in the way that they seem a little repetitive or out of place.

I'm getting the feeling of a 1600s or middle ages kind of vibe with the castles and leather pants and such, and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet but it may improve pretty quickly. We don't need to interact with her mother at all, but I feel like a queen wouldn't be shouting down a hallway, then I would also think that the Royal Dragon Trainer would be a little bit more deferential to a princess. And that said princess wouldn't holler for her sister when she's trying to hide from the parental units. They're just a couple little things that stuck out to me.

Thanks for posting
- Penguin.





Of those who say nothing, few are silent.
— Thomas Neill