Published May 13, 2014
Imagine sitting in your room one day, lamp on, studying homework.
Imagine someone covering your lamp with a blanket, and then uncovering it. Imagine it over and over for what seems like forever. Then imagine staring at that lamp covered by the blanket. Imagine seeing that vibrant glow fighting against everything to still shine! Imagine it burning a hole through the blanket. Imagine the burst into bright white light.
Then imagine as you stick out you spindly fingers, to try and touch that glowing orb. Imagine reaching and reaching, hands getting closer and closer and yet never touching the light. Then imagine the sound. The sound of someone roaring outside your room. The same someone who has covered your lamp.
Imagine them roaring over and over again. Louder and louder. More intense! Imagine trying to still reach that light, your hands wavering back and forth, and the strength in them wavering as they bow to the roaring. Then the light flickers! And dims. And flickers again!
Imagine as the roaring continues, and the light flickers and dims. Each time it flickers it is brighter, and each time it dims it dims darker than before. Finally, imagine the roar and the flicker and then the dimness, all at once!
Then imagine as everything stops. The light flickers out once and for all, submitting itself to darkness. Imagine the roaring stopping for what seems like an eternity. Imagine sitting in utter silence, bracing for the final roar. Then imagine hearing the quiet pitter-patter on the roof. The sound of gentle rain.
Imagine this, and you have imagined the approach and arrival of a thunderstorm. Imagined it in the mind of a writer.
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It was interesting but I do believe you over used the word "Imagine"
You know who it is ^.^ The girl with the dastardly name
Okay, so I didn't think this was bad, and but I am also going to say this is not the best thing you have written :/ It can easily be turned around though, and I am going to try and help you with that.
The problem with this is that nearly every sentence has the word imagine in it somewhere. And not only for this paragraph, but for the entire story (or whatever you want to call this.) Which to me seems a bit redundant. But it wasn't only that word that kept repeating. Roaring, light, dim all those things kept repeating to the point where I really wanted to have something new! See, this is my rewriting of the paragraph abve.
Imagine someone covering a lamp (why use your?) with a blanket, and then uncovering it. This person never falters, removing and replacing the blanket over and over again. The lamp never gave up, instead choosing to fight. It shone it's vibrant glow harsher than ever, burning a hole through its enemy and letting its bright white light explode all over the room.
One thing I also did there was personify the light and also using the blanket as its enemy. I think that really works for this piece because it generally makes it more exciting, which could be nice to meddle into the story as well. This added, it also cut down on repetition in future chapters. I hope you can see what I did there, and if you need me to I can do another one. Just mention as a reply to this review or something.
This should be 'your' spindly fingers. I think it was a good story apart from the repetition and I really don't have much more to mention except one thing...
How is this related to a thunderstorm at all? It would make more sense if you said it was the way a writer thinks; fighting against all contradictions and plot bunnies and all the other unfortunate happens which could occur while writing. Especially writers block. I know that is supposed to be the concluding part but somewhere this all needs explaining. A bit more than two lines I would think
It wasn't bad, just needs a bit of tweaking. I hope I wasn't too mean
>.>
Deanie x
This is very exciting way to tell a very simple story. At first I was confused what was going on, but I think that is the way its supposed to be. Revealing what it was at the very end made all the connections come together and I was like, "Ohhh! I get it!"
Definitely a brilliant retelling of something very simple in nature.