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Young Writers Society



Fern - Chapter 2: Visiting Jumper

by Messenger


A/N: Sorry for the errors, I don't have anything to save this on so I am just posting it as it is. I'll edit it later.

Fern couldn't contain her excitement. The entire day she was talking about the flight to anyone who would listen. Her sisters, Iris and Lily, eighteen and sixteen, both smiled widely when she burst into their rooms, remembering their first dragon flights.

Fern was a chatter-box at dinner, going on and on, even to the servants. She couldn’t contain herself. After dinner she returned to the massive dragon stables. The trainer was sitting outside, smoking on a long pipe, book in hand. Fern tried to read the title, but all she could see was the word “dragon”. He looked up as she approached, standing from his chair which sat in front of the entrance to the stables.

Fern smiled as she walked up to him. “Hello,” she said.

He returned the smile. “Hello missy. Come to take a look at your new dragon I assume?”

Fern’s mouth dropped. “How did you know?”

The trainer laughed lightly. “I’ve been doing this job for nearly thirty years. Both of your sisters came to look at their dragons. And you are a lot more curious than them. It was just a matter of time before you showed up.”

Fern giggled. “She’s so pretty and strong! Can you show me the way?”

“Of course,” the trainer said, dropping the book onto his chair.

Behind him rose the entrance to the stables. It was an open-roofed building, about a hundred-and-fifty feet wide with massive pine double-doors. They were a good fifteen feet tall. The trainer lived in a lean-to next to the building and inside he grabbed a large ring of keys. He unlocked the tall pine doors and they yawned open with a loud groan. Fern watched in awe. She loved big doors. She wasn't sure why, but she always had. Maybe it was their immense majesty. The doors in the castle were especially incredible. One such pair was painted glass, depicting a massive battle on a mountaintop.

The inside of the stable was vast and spacious. There were three separate cages. Fern looked up at the trainer, who nodded towards the one on the far left. Each cage was about thirty feet tall and fifty feet wide with ten foot tall steel doors. Fern heard Jumper before she saw her. The sun poured down into the cage, glancing off of her emerald scales sending beautiful splashes of green through the cage.

It was like looking at stained glass, Fern though. She hopped into the cage filled with hay. In the far back corner she saw a brown mushy blob. She wrinkled her nose and looked back the trainer.

"It will now be your job to keep this cage clean. Of course, Jumper won't be in here very much, now that she has been trained and has a rider. But it will still be your responsibility to tend for her and her cage." he said.

She groaned but decided instead to focus on Jumper. She was currently leaning against the left wall, eyes closed ,apparently taking a nap. Fern walked over quietly, trying not to disturb her new pet. The entire place smelled of hay and animal body odor, and before she could stop herself she let out a big sneeze. Jumper's eyes popped open in an instant, swinging back and forth. Then she realized that Fern was there. She began to rustle about and stretch her wings from their folded position. Fern jumped out of the way just before getting knocked over.

"I guess they need some room to wake up," she said, more to herself then anyone, but the trainer responded.

"Yes, they like to stretch, just as humans. Always give them a clear berth so they spread their wings. After a few seconds they'll tuck them back in some of the way."

Fern nodded, mentally lodging the information in her brain. The last thing she wanted to happen was getting smacked in the face by a talon. Jumper extended fully. Her wingspan was a good twenty feet, taking up almost half of the cage. She was about the same length from head to tail.

Fern took some time to study her body make. The skin under her chin and on her belly was a whitish green. It was soft and fleshy, probably the weakest part of Jumper. Her scales were a few inches wide in the shape of V's. Each one was a dark rich green with a light yellowish-white lining and was hard as iron. Fern tapped them with her fingers and listened to the clicking sound it made.

Jumper's head was by far the most fascinating part of her body. Besides the deep and exciting, yet calm and mesmerizing eyes, the rest of her face was loaded with amazing features. Her face and head was mostly smooth, besides the big ivory horn on her brow. He face was nearly the same green as her scales. There was a large scale covering her head, and another straight down her nose. The rest of her face was unprotected. Her mouth was lined with two-inch long, razor-sharp teeth. And she had a big pink tongue.

In the waning sunlight, her scales seemed to reflect all sorts of dazzling colors and lights. Fern giggled. Jumper was beautiful! Now that she had stretched, she began to tuck her wings for easier movement on the ground. Fern thought they looked like massive green leather strips, cut in the shape of a wing, and supported by big arm bones.

She rubbed Jumper's nose. Jumper snorted loudly and Fern felt hot breath cover her hand like a cloak. She smiled at Jumper. Her skin felt rough and yet for all the fierceness of her looks, she was so still and gentle like a kitten. Fern turned to ask the trainer about how Jumper could breathe fire, but the man was nowhere to be seen. Fern shrugged. She would have to ask him later.

She turned back to Jumper who was eyeing her with those big round yellowish eyes that seemed to glow. It appeared as if Jumper was looking Fern over. Just like like Fern had done to her. Fern giggled loudly. It can't be! Whether or not the dragon was merely looking at her or not, she decided to close here eyes and just imagine what it would be like from Jumper's perspective.

Jumper would see her as a small petite girl, hair the color of dark hay, eyes closed, but light blue if she remembered correctly. A little frightened no doubt.

Jumper snorted as if in mockery, and Fern's eyes shot wide open. She couldn't read thoughts could she? Jumper settled back down to a lying position, pulling her wings tightly against her back. Fern rubbed her head briefly. There was something about this beast that was mesmerizing, enchanting, fun and yet mysterious.

She looked up into the sky and realized that the sun was sinking low in the horizon. She said: "Goodnight," to Jumper, patted her side once, and left with a warm and fuzzy feeling in her heart.


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Thu Jun 05, 2014 1:27 am
r4p17 wrote a review...



For some reason I have a hard time thinking of Jumper as a girl as well al being green. I doesn't seem a befitting color for a dragon. Also I think that Fern giggles a little to much. After all she is fourteen years old; not a little girl. But that is just my opinion.

Now onto the meat of the review. I thing that you could have chosen your words more carefully; especially in your descriptions. (However here is one in dialogue). " And you are a lot more curious than them." Instead of "them" I would recommend putting they are. And here is another one: "Hello missy." It seems rude to call a princess "missy".

I also think that a servant would clean out Jumper's stall not Fern.

Finally I think that this chapter isn't that relevant to the plot of the story. I can understand that she is excited to se Jumper but you might want to add something else more interesting. As it is it feels more like a dependent clause than a single body of writing. I am sorry for the bad review but I am just trying to suggest a few things that you could do to improve your story. However I really do enjoy the plot of the book.




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Sun May 25, 2014 12:22 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Mess! Silver back again to give you another review! :)

I see Laure and Stella have already done some awesome reviews, so this'll be a short one.

Main Points

The entire day she was talking about the flight


I personally feel that this would flow better if you added “she spent” at the beginning.

Fern’s mouth dropped. “How did you know?”


It's not obvious?

One such pair was painted glass, depicting a massive battle on a mountaintop.


Great descriptions! :D

Fern took some time to study her body make.


It's nice that we learn what Jumper looks like in this chapter. Good stuff :)

I see we also learn Fern's description, nice :)

What! The chapter's finished already! I am now almost convinced that you're writing this for a younger age group. If so the voice that you're using is really good, very light, warm and positive. One of the things that you do really well I think, is your descriptions. They're very nicely done. Just right, not too over wordy and not too sparse either, so well done!
My only qualm is that nothing actually happens here. I get that this might be a filler chapter, which all novels need, but there was nothing here except description of Jumper and Fern. I think it would be good if you could at least begin to lay the seeds of some greater plot or something, just to add a little more depth to the soup.

Anyway, looking forward to reading more! Keep it up and happy writing! :) :)

Siverlock




Messenger says...


heya Silver! Thank you for the compliments. I am just going to leave this as a filler I think, because like you said, it lets the readers know what they look like!

~Messenger



Silverlock says...


:D



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Tue May 20, 2014 3:28 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey Mess! Stella again!

Okay so the first thing in this chapter is that I felt it didn't really progress from the first chapter, it's just more of the same. We don't really have any more information about Fern or Jumper, just that they have a sort of special connection. And that's okay - but by the end of the second part I'd like a bit more information and as well, a bit more plot. There's no point telling the story if there's no plot in it! So by this stage I would want a sense of where the story's going. What are Fern and Jumper doing? Are they going to be fighting in a war? Then maybe her father has to go to a war council. Are they going to be saving somebody? Who? Maybe we should meet them. You want to start building your plot before your audience get bored!

Other than that, what I mainly have to say are just small little details:

-originally I thought that the trainer had brought the dragon in and was going to leave again. But apparently he's a permanent fixture in the castle, and therefore I feel it might be a good idea to give him a name! Since their family clearly talk to him on a regular basis.
-I thought the whole thing about her being amazed that he knew she wanted to see her dragon was a bit silly because, well, of course she wants to see her dragon! It's a dragon! And this is a dragon stable - why else would she be there?!
-I also found you described things in feet a lot, which I didn't like. My reasons are threefold: a) I'm a metric kind of gal, b) it's very cold and mathematical and c) it gets very repetitive. We don't need to know the exact dimensions of everything, so maybe leave some of them out.
-Also, her father, the king, doesn't have a dragon of his own? Just the girls? Poor man!

Your writing is nice in this part, I just think you need to iron out a few things!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




Messenger says...


hi Stella! Thanks for the review! :) To be honest I am not quite sure where the plot is going :P but i am definitely not spending a third chapter with nothingness so if you stick with me we can make some progress. I'll work on the feet thing as well. And my goodness I forgot to mention that the King and Queen's stable is separate o_o

~Messenger



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Mon May 19, 2014 12:40 pm
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Laure wrote a review...



Hai Mess, this is probably the first time I've reviewing your work so prepare for an onslaught. In case you don't know how I review, I usually point out the content, language and such things and not so much on the technical. Don't have enough patience to comb through a chapter. Because I'm terrible at grammar and spelling.

Content, language, style and the lot:

So, this is a story about a dragon named Jumper. Quite intriguing, I haven't seen much dragons floating around on YWS I must admit. I'm going to start right off with your language. Is not very engaging. Did I tell you not to take offence at my harsh words, I did. good. Is a very typical case of telling and not showing I'm afraid and not varying your syntax enough. See here:

Fern couldn't contain her excitement. The entire day she was talking about the flight to anyone who would listen. Her sisters, Iris and Lily, eighteen and sixteen, both smiled widely when she burst into their rooms, remembering their first dragon flights.


That entire paragraph was a massive tell case. Fern couldn't contain her excitement, you told us she couldn't contain it. Why not just get rid of that and jump straight to the next sentence? Because that sentence showed Fern's emotions and we can see from that she would tell everyone that she's very excited. The part about Iris and Lily's age, do we need know their age? Is it necessary, if not. Get rid of it.

She groaned but decided instead to focus on Jumper. She was currently leaning against the left wall, eyes closed ,apparently taking a nap. Fern walked over quietly, trying not to disturb her new pet. The entire place smelled of hay and animal body odor, and before she could stop herself she let out a big sneeze. Jumper's eyes popped open in an instant, swinging back and forth. Then she realized that Fern was there. She began to rustle about and stretch her wings from their folded position. Fern jumped out of the way just before getting knocked over.


You basically switched between 'she' and 'Fern' in this paragraph and 'Jumper', your sentences all tend to be very short with no much conjunction between them. I'm not saying this isn't good but it feels very choppy and not connected, hence not really giving the readers that smooth, flowing pace. Your writing style is also what I call 'sequential style'.

This happened and then this happened. She did this. She did that. Is a very robotic way of describing things, so is like telling us instructions instead of a story. I mean, we know what's going on but we don't really picture it clearly or feel in touch with it. Remember, you're always trying to paint a picture with your words.

You can also expand your descriptions too. You need to spend some more time on developing Fern and her personality because I'm not getting much of an insight, and also her surroundings. This is equally important to getting the reads to connect. I actually quite like Jumper already because she's adorable.

See here:
The skin under her chin and on her belly was a whitish green. It was soft and fleshy,


Is a whitish green, can you go more in depth? How wide is it? How dark is the green? Does it have a certain pattern? Soft and fleshy, add in a metaphor or simile to give us more of a solid picture.

I've just pointed out on example, I actually found several other throughout this chapter. While we're on words, I also want to point out you need to alter your word choices. You're not in primary school anymore.

She turned back to Jumper who was eyeing her with those big round yellowish eyes that seemed to glow.


Big, round, yellowish eyes? C'mon, you can be more inspiring and have much better word choices than that. How about, 'lambent, [insert a word that describes the type of eye it is, is it intensive, thoughtful, sharp?] please do try and avoid using overrated words and be adventurous with your vocab!

She looked up into the sky and realized that the sun was sinking low in the horizon. She said: "Goodnight," to Jumper, patted her side once, and left with a warm and fuzzy feeling in her heart.


You could describe the sunset instead of saying the sun was sinking low in the horizon. Said could probably be replaced by some actions to characterize her. Warm and fuzzy -> once again word choices. Warm and fuzzy is a bit overrated.

Characterizing through dialogue:

You're not bad with your dialogue, at least it flows. However, remember how I said you need to develop your characters more. Adding in some subtle actions can indicate her personality and how she reacts to certain things:

viewforum.php?f=150 -> take a visit to YWS's wonderful writing tutorial base. It explains stuff so much better than I do.


Ok, well that brings an end to my very long review. I can't remember what I even wrote, but hopefully you don't want to kill me after going through that. if you do, there's a pretty long line.

Overall impression:

This looks promising Mess, so I hope you will keep writing this. Because I like dragons and I would like to see where this develops. Though not much is happening at the moment, I guess you're just taking your time to introduce the characters and set the setting. You have a pretty good pace going on but your characterization skills needs work, and of course, the good old show don't tell rule. But since all writers make that mistake, I can only say so much on it. Hope I helped.

~Laure




Messenger says...


hey Laure, thanks for the wonderful review!

I must admit I am surprised at myself. I have long since rid m habit of writing short sentences (I'm saying this because of reviews I have received) so I am surprised to see them back.

Also, I felt my description of Jumper was lacking. I don't know a ton about dragons to be honest, and I haven't been able to lay my hands on any dragon material yet.

Also, this isn't my main project, so it might look a little less . . . visited? . . . by me. Thanks for the review!

~Messenger




It's unsettling to know how little separates each of us from another life altogether.
— Wes Moore, The Other Wes Moore