z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

For England... -2-

by Merrysleuth


“Just remember who you are, sire.”

The king threw the contents within his goblet at his adviser’s feet. After a brief moment of fury, he looked down at what he had done with disbelief.

“I’m …sorry, Robert. I haven’t the slightest clue why I’m so hostile. And to what you are presenting me… this, remember who I am. I know who I am!” He sunk into his throne hugging his shoulders as he continued. “I’m a shadow of my former self and a disgrace to my grandfather’s empire.” The king winced at the mention of his grandfather “William the Conqueror, Henry the first, and Stephen the jester.”

Robert seized him by the shoulders, looked him straight in the eye as he spouted, “My Lord, excuse my rash action, but I can no longer bear to see you like this. The people, they need you. To guide them, to lead them, as any good ruler should,” his voice rising with every word. He now scanned Stephen’s face for any sign of the king he had once known. The man who once stood firm under heavy fire now shook like a leaf. “What is it that haunts you so, sire,” he whispered. At this the king sat as still as a stone, without blinking, too petrified to move.

Robert released his grip from the king, and rose. “What is so potent to turn a courageous Lord into a quivering coward. I do not… I can not…. Understand what has happened to you. If you would just…just…,” He stammered on this word as he searched his majesty's eyes, but all in vain. He took an expression of defeat. “A wise man once told me, that the eyes are a window to the soul. Sire, I will no longer be aiding you, for your soul is gone.” He brushed himself off and proceeded toward the door, but upon leaving his foot snagged on something. The young adviser looks down to see his Lord clutching the heel of his shoe.

“Robert, please,” he says breathing heavily. “If my soul is truly missing then help me find it.”

“A king should not grovel at the sole of a mere commoner,” his adviser uttered coldly while trying to shake off the king’s strong grip.

“Help me return to the glory that I’ve once basked in. I’ll be lost without you. Oh, Robert, please. England needs you!” At this Robert stopped, turned, stooped down to his level, and slowly raised the king's head with his fist.

“I will not leave you, sire. Not like this,” Robert smiled warmly as he left the room leaving the king on the floor in a sorrowful heap.


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Sun Jul 26, 2015 6:18 am
Dracula wrote a review...



Hello, Merrysleuth! I'm here to review on behalf of the Earth Kingdom! :D

“William the Conqueror, Henry the first, and Stephen the jester.”
I love the bit of humour, even though he's being one hundred percent serious.

“What is it that haunts you so, sire,” he whispered.
This should have a question mark, as he's asking what haunts him. This happens again in the paragraph afterwards.

I noticed that you seem to change tenses every now and then. Here's an example:
The young adviser looks down to see his Lord clutching the heel of his shoe. Here you say looks.
Robert seized him by the shoulders, looked him straight in the eye as he spouted, But here you said looked. This is a common mistake and won't take long to fix.

I love historical novels, and you didn't disappoint me. You brilliantly portrayed your characters' emotions and thoughts. I got to know how the king sees himself as a failure, and how loyal Robert is to him. It was enjoyable to read, well done. :D




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Mon Jul 06, 2015 11:09 pm
EnderFlash wrote a review...



He winced at the mention of his grandfather “William the Conqueror, Henry the first, and Stephen the joke.”

This line is confusing. Who's saying this? Why is he saying this? In fact, this line confusion happens multiple times throughout the story; Since they're both males, sometimes, a 'he' won't cut it.

He brushes himself off and proceeds toward the door, but upon leaving his foot snags on something and looks down to see his Lord clutching the heel of his shoe.

This is in present tense, while most of the story is in past tense. Tense shifting!

This is a rather short story, so there isn't much to say. You need to differentiate the king and his advisor better, mainly by referring to either of them less as 'him' and more by their names or titles. This is, however, a nice start, and I look forward to seeing if you'll continue this. If not, know that this was a pretty good one-shot.




Merrysleuth says...


The king winced at the name of his grandfather, William the conquerer because he feels like he has become a disappointment to the kings of his lineage.



EnderFlash says...


I know, but it's a little unclear. Also, it's missing a period xD



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Sat Jul 04, 2015 6:11 am
AmariG00 says...



Really great stat would love to read more of this story, it is so descriptive, I really like it.




Merrysleuth says...


I am glad that you enjoyed it.




The chains of habits are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
— Warren Buffet