z

Young Writers Society



Murder at Hampton's ~ Three

by Merry_Haven


Thank you for those who have been helping me with this story. Your criticism really helps me out, and I appreciate it. I wouldn't know what I would do without you guys.

For this chapter, I'm having a hard time of showing then telling. If you could nit-pick the parts I'm having a hard time with, then it would be greatly appreciated!

I need any sort of criticism I can get. Harsh reviews are always helpful.

Enjoy reading!

Revised.

With the school size deducting even more on today's date, I didn't have any trouble getting to my second period Pre-Calculus class. Getting to my seat, Mr. Colby went over the graphing questions we had for homework last night.

Passing with a C+ in the class, I was surprised I wasn't falling behind. When I was a junior last year, the Trig. Class was a so-so subject. I got some of it, but not all.

I guess the higher you get the complicated it can get too.

For Pre-Cal it's all those advanced functions we have to use with our graphing calculators. Just thinking about those equations was getting me a headache.

“Well, class we're finished with today's work from yesterday.” Mr. Colby announced, “Because we have a half hour left of class, why don't we play a little game of jeopardy?” He clapped his old, wrinkled hands together, knowing he was excited for this game.

Ever since I had Colby back in freshmen year with Algebra, he was always thrilled to play those math games with the class.

He always gives the brightest smile and say, “Isn't this loads of fun, class?” Colby then would clap his old wrinkled hands together, while everyone laughed out loud.

“Sure, Colby.” One of the older guys would say, rolling their eyes. Those were the times in math that I enjoyed the most.

He was always helpful when I didn't get a problem and would go over every equation until I got it.

“See, Kate. You insert the nine over here and divide those numbers by this.” As he pointed to the paper. “Use your graphing calculator for this problem.”

“Okay.” I punched in the numbers and then wrote down the answer.

“Good job, Kate. Now do you understand this equation...”

There were times when I saw how old he was. Colby would either help me with something, and I saw his hand move around, thinking about the problem. There was the pale color of his skin and the bumps of the wrinkles on his hands.

His old age was from either teaching math for so long or dealing with us high school kids. Everyone practically knew him in the school.

Sometimes I'd walk through the hallways during passing period and see some kids with Colby. “Hey, Colby!” One kid would say. Or others, “What's up man?”

Colby would reply saying, “Not much. Have you done that work I gave you?” I giggled softly to myself, knowing that he loved teaching math.

He was just the sort of teacher that everyone liked.

The kids in my class were fond of Colby just like any students that had him as a teacher. When we played jeopardy, we either laughed when we won or felt a little down when we lost. When a group won a mathematical question, the guys would cheer and go crazy for a piece of candy.

As time ticked away, my Pre-Cal class were laughing in their separate huddles. They were all enjoying themselves with the math game.

Mr. Colby stopped the game and candies were passed out as he said, “Class, have a wonderful break and I'll see you after New Year's.” The moment he finished the bell rang and I grabbed my books, put them in my bag and headed to my next class.

Going out the door to the portables, I was hit by the rush of cold December wind. I wrapped the green and black scarf tighter around my neck as I kept my hands warm in my fuzzy green gloves.

By the time I got to my class, I was thankful that the door was already opened. I wasn't going to wait in the cold. Walking inside my first class in a portable, Mr. Harris said something, “Class you can sit anywhere you want.” He said without looking up from his paperwork.

With that I scanned the room for an empty seat, “Hey, Kate! Sit over here with me.” Chloe Sullivan said. She was over by the far right corner and I came by setting my book bag down.

Sitting down I said, “Hi, Chloe.”

She looked at me with her blond curls bobbled around her round face. “Hey. Are you like so ready for Christmas break?” As she rolled her glossy-touched blue eyes.

“Yep.” We both turned to face the front of the class as Mr. Harris started to pass out our tests. My third period, Contemporary Humanities was an okay class that I was taking this year as a senior.

“Class, this is your basic 101 on the subjects we've been talking about. You should of studied the modern paintings, music, crafts and so on, on the twentieth century humans. Guys this is everything that has to do with the humanistic disciples.”

By the time we all had our books and bags away and our pencils out, Harris was done passing the papers out. “You have until the end of class. If you don't finish, well you just might wanna finish today instead of having to worry over it on break.”

When he was done talking, I looked at the white paper and began filling out answers as I thought about fiction and poetry, drama and films in the twentieth century.

As I thought about answers I also thought about the class in general. I didn't know many kids, but mostly by their first names and that was just it. The only person I really knew was Chloe Sullivan. I knew her since sophomore year as we took our tenth grade Language Arts class together.

For Chloe, she loved the world of language. Not foreign languages, but the art of it. She loved anything from Greek and Roman Literature to Shakespeare. And from British and American authors in the 18-20th centuries.

She was huge for the early 1900s. This was just the thing she loved. With art of language in the palm of her hand, she had so many choices on what she wanted to be. Yet she knew she wanted to study English Literature from the 18th through the 21st century.

As I thought away from Chloe I thought about my teacher, Mr. Harris. He was odd sort of man. He was passionate about his work but also got grumpy at times. It was scary seeing him like that. He told us that he had no wife and kids, so there was no pictures on his desk. That must have been why he acts that strange sometimes.

I had a few more questions to go, and I pulled my full attention on it. I filled out multiple choices, fill in the blanks and one paragraph analysis.

As I wrapped up my test and scanned over for missed questions, I got up and placed the test in the third period box that was in front of the room. I wasn't the only one who finished, there were several others, including Chloe.

With the rest of the students scrambling for answers, the bell rang and I left out the door.

“Hey, Kate.” I reached the end of the steps when I turned around to the cheery voice of Chloe.

“Yeah?”

“See you after break.”

“Thanks, have a nice Christmas.”

“You too.” We smiled goodbye as I left for lunch.


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User avatar
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Mon Dec 01, 2008 9:15 pm
Angel of Death wrote a review...



Thanks for the heads up!

Castle and Lost kinda hit everything on the nose. Sorry I didn't get to read this right away, but anyways, all I'm going to say is get creative with the imagery and don't prolong topics. Like, for most of the chapter its all about Mr. Colby, math, his skin, Mr. Colby...its high school. I want to see and hear the hectic atmosphere. Kat just seemed like a robot, she has no flaws, because she likes everything. Give her more sides and make her seem like she can walk down the street one day, you know? I don't mean to be harsh, this was a great chapter and you write well, just be more descriptive and I'm sure this will get better.

Keep writing and PM me when you post the next chapter!

~Angel




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Points: 890
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Mon Dec 01, 2008 8:58 pm
Lost_in_dreamland wrote a review...



Thank you for those who have been helping me with this story. Your criticism really helps me out, and I appreciate it. I wouldn't know what I would do without you guys.

Aw no problem, my pleasure ;)
For this chapter, I'm having a hard time of showing then telling. If you could nit-pick the parts I'm having a hard time with, then it would be greatly appreciated!
I have to say, Sarah's showing and not telling rules are great :lol:
Onto the review
I need any sort of criticism I can get. Harsh reviews are always helpful.


Enjoy reading!


Revised.


With the school size deducting even more on today's date, I didn't have any trouble getting to my second period Pre-Calculus class. Getting to my seat, Mr. Colby went over the graphing questions we had for homework last night.

Passing with a C+ in the class, I was surprised I wasn't falling behind. When I was a junior last year, the Trig. Class was a so-so subject. I got some of it, but not all.

I guess the higher you get the complicated it can get too.

For Pre-Cal it's all those advanced functions we have to use with our graphing calculators. Just thinking about those equations was getting me a headache.

“Well, class we're finished with today's work from yesterday.” Mr. Colby announced, “Because we have a half hour left of class, why don't we play a little game of jeopardy?” He clapped his old, wrinkled hands together, knowing he was excited for this game. I really love that description. It almost made me cry (just don't ask, I'm such a weird person, old wrinkled hands, that description makes me cry, I repeat I am crying because of that description, I am way too emotional!)

Ever since I had Colby back in freshmen year with Algebra, he was always thrilled to play those math games with the class.

He always gives the brightest smile and say, “Isn't this loads of fun, class?” Colby then would clap his old wrinkled hands togetheDon't repeat old wrinkled hands, it adds effect if you change itr, while everyone laughed out loud.

“Sure, Colby.” One of the older guys would say, rolling their eyes. Those were the times in math that I enjoyed the most.

He was always helpful when I didn't get a problem and would go over every equation until I got it.

“See, Kat. You insert the nine over here and divide those numbers by this.” As he pointed to the paper. “Use your graphing calculator for this problem.”

“Okay.” I punched in the numbers and then wrote down the answer.

“Good job, Kat. Now do you understand this equation...”

There were times when I saw how old he was. Colby would either help me with something, and I saw his hand move around, thinking about the problem. There was the pale color of his skin and the bumps of the wrinkles on his hands.Again that makes me cry *such a freak I am*

His old age was from either teaching math for so long or dealing with us high school kids. Everyone practically knew him in the school.

Sometimes I'd walk through the hallways during passing period and see some kids with Colby. “Hey, Colby!” One kid would say. Or others, “What's up man?”

Colby would reply saying, “Not much. Have you done that work I gave you?” I giggled softly to myself, knowing that he loved teaching math. Hahah that's lovely! I love Colby even though I've only just been introduced to him, and that's a great thing, I've only just met him and I already love him :)

He was just the sort of teacher that everyone liked.

The kids in my class were fond of Colby just like any students that had him as a teacher. When we played jeopardy, we either laughed when we won or felt a little down when we lost. When a group won a mathematical question, the guys would cheer and go crazy for a piece of candy.

Time ticked away. My Pre-Cal class were laughing in their separate huddles. They were all enjoying themselves with the math game.

Mr. Colby stopped the game and candies were passed out as he said, “Class, have a wonderful break and I'll see you after New Year's.” The moment he finished the bell rang and I grabbed my books, put them in my bag and headed to my next class.

Going out the door to the portables, I was hit by the rush of cold December wind. I wrapped the green and black scarf tighter around my neck as I kept my hands warm in my fuzzy green gloves.

By the time I got to my class, I was thankful that the door was already opened. I wasn't going to wait in the cold. Walking inside my first class in a portable, Mr. Harris said something, “Class you can sit anywhere you want.” He saidNo need to repeat said, you put Mr Harris said something then he said, you only need one without looking up from his paperwork.

With that I scanned the room for an empty seat, “Hey, Kat! Sit over here with me.” Chloe Sullivan said. She was over by the far right corner and I came by setting my book bag down.

Sitting down I said, “Hi, Chloe.”

She looked at me with her blond curls bobbled around her round face. “Hey. Are you like so ready for Christmas break?” As she rolled her glossy-touched blue eyes.

“Yep.” We both turned to face the front of the class as Mr. Harris started to pass out our tests. My third period, Contemporary Humanities was an okay class that I was taking this year as a senior.

“Class, this is your basic 101 on the subjects we've been talking about. You should of studied the modern paintings, music, crafts and so on, on the twentieth century humans. Guys this is everything that has to do with the humanistic disciples.”

By the time we all had our books and bags away and our pencils out, Harris was done passing the papers out. “You have until the end of class. If you don't finish, well you just might wanna finish today instead of having to worry over it on break.”

When he was done talking, I looked at the white paper and began filling out answers as I thought about fiction and poetry, drama and films in the twentieth century.

As I thought about answers I also thought about the class in general. I didn't know many kids, but mostly by their first names and that was just it. The only person I really knew was Chloe Sullivan. I knew her since sophomore year as we took our tenth grade Language Arts class together.

For Chloe, she loved the world of language. Not foreign languages, but the art of it. She loved anything from Greek and Roman Literature to Shakespeare. And from British and American authors in the 18-20th centuries.

She was huge for the early 1900s. This was just the thing she loved. With art of language in the palm of her hand, she had so many choices on what she wanted to be. Yet she knew she wanted to study English Literature from the 19th through the 21st century.

As I thought away from Chloe I thought about my teacher, Mr. Harris. He was odd sort of man. He was passionate about his work but also got grumpy at times. It was scary seeing him like that. He told us that he had no wife and kids, so there was no pictures on his desk. That must have been why he acts that strange sometimes. You change tense here

I had a few more questions to go, and I pulled my full attention on it. I filled out multiple choices, fill in the blanks and one paragraph analysis.

As I wrapped up my test and scanned over for missed questions, I got up and placed the test in the third period box that was in front of the room. I wasn't the only one who finished, there were several others, including Chloe.

With the rest of the students scrambling for answers, the bell rang and I left out the door.

“Hey, Kat.” I reached the end of the steps when I turned around to the cheery voice of Chloe.

“Yeah?”

“See you after break.”

“Thanks, have a nice Christmas.”

“You too.” We smiled goodbye as I left for lunch.


I liked this chapter. The narrative voice is getting stronger as the story progresses, which is a good sign that it's going in the right direction. I'm really looking forward to when you go back to the past, as much as I love these chapters I just love the prologue. When? Oh please tell me Merry :lol: I love Colby, is he in it again? I really hope so. xxx
-Kirsten xxx




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Mon Dec 01, 2008 5:19 pm
CastlesInTheSky wrote a review...



Here as promised. :wink: Sorry if this is a bit harsh, I only do it to help. Just yell at me if I get too intense. :oops:

Okay, here's Sarah's Show and Not Tell rules, seeing as you're having a bit of trouble with them. I don't know whether I've already told you these rules, seeing as I use them for a lot of these cases. Tell me if I'm repeating myself in vain. *Bad Memory*

:arrow: Use dialogue:
You've done this to a certain extent, just make sure the paragraphs aren't too chunky. Dialogue can give your reader a great deal about character, emotion and mood. Just include more; it's obviously your strong point as it always sounds realistic.

:arrow: Use sensory language

In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.

:arrow: Be Descriptive

Being descriptive is more than just inserting a string of descriptive words. It’s carefully choosing the right words and using them sparingly to convey your meaning.

Bad Example: He sits on the couch holding his guitar.

Good Example: His eyes are closed, and he’s cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover. It’s as if he’s trying to hold on to something that wants to let go.

The second example takes that basic information and paints a picture with it. It also uses figurative language—in this case, the simile “cradling the guitar in his arms like a lover”—to help create an image.

When using description, it’s important not to overdo it. Otherwise, you can end up with what I call “police blotter” description. For example:
He was tall, with brown hair and blue eyes. He wore a red shirt and jeans, and a brown leather jacket.

The reader doesn't want to know the details of their clothes and colours, etc. They want a more literary visual image.

Okay, that's all for you there.

Pre-Cal is an okay subject for me, I mean I'm passing with a C+. Which is alright with my parents, knowing that I can't even get math. It's all too complicated. All those algebraic questions from Trig. Was just confusing. I was surprised I passed with a B in that class.For Pre-Cal it's all those advanced functions we have to use with our graphing calculators. Just thinking about those equations was getting me a headache.


Turn all of this into one sentence. Most of it is just rambling a bit, with some details you don't really need about the mathematics class, etc. Gah, I feel like a hypocrite, telling you not to ramble. ^_^

“Well, class we're finished with today's work from yesterday.” Mr. Colby announced, “Because we have a half hour left of class why don't we play a little game of jeopardy.” He clapped his old, wrinkled hands together knowing he was excited for this game.


Comma after class. Question mark after jeopardy. Comma after together.

Ever since I had Colby back in freshmen year with Algebra, he was always thrilled to play those math games with the class. I had gotten used to him for several years having him as a math teacher. He was always helpful when I didn't get a problem and would go over every equation until I got it. His old age was from either teaching math for so long or dealing with us high school kids. Everyone practically knew him in the school. He was just the sort of teacher that everyone liked. Guys, especially would go up to Mr. Colby, air high five him and say, “Colby! What's up?” As they passed by him in the hallway.


This is all telling. Show us how thrilled Colby is to play the maths games. Demonstrate him being helpful in class, explaining some equations to her. Show through dialogue and actions how the students know him, what they're like when he goes by - but in the present time.

The kids in my class was fond of Colby just like any students that had him as a teacher.


'Was' should be 'were' as 'kids' is plural.

I still don't know why they always did that. I guess that'll be a question I'll never answer. Maybe it's the adrenaline rush they get from eating the candies.


Rambling a bit? Delete, unless it's important to you.

Time ticked away as my Pre-Cal class was having loads of fun playing the math game.


Bit of an awkward sentence. Change to: Time ticked away. My Pre-Cal class were laughing in their seperate huddles. They were all enjoying themselves with the maths game.

As time eventually came to an end, Mr. Colby stopped the game and said that group three won had the game with the highest points. The guys, of course, were overly excited as they knew that they had won the game.


I'm not sure you need this much details about the whole game results thing. It doesn't seem particularly significant. Though I know with NaNo, you need space-fillers. So don't worry.

Candies were passed out as Colby said, “Class have a wonderful break and I'll see you after New Year's.” The moment he finished the bell rang and I grabbed my books, put them in my bag and headed to my next class.

Comma between class and have.

Going out the door to the portables, I was hit by the rush of cold December wind. I wrapped the green and black scarf tighter around my neck as I kept my hands warm in my fuzzy green gloves.


Well done. It's details like those that make a story real.


Kudos to you, Merry. The dialogue in the last part was strong and realistic. The visual image's quality is increasing as I read on and on in this story. I'll definitely continue as I like this!

Sarah
xxx





Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein