I think the verse lengths the previous parts of the story was better written, In this one some of the parts has become mellowed, I kind of edited to make it sound more like a poem, as I hav'nt had that much experiance with free verse, but I find it more effective if you make them shorter, especially the details around her parents death.
“Gracie I'm so sorry.”
My friend's mother cries
on her husband's shoulder.
I know what has happened.
My parents are dead.
Killed.
Only falling tears down my
hot cheeks,
show how I feel.
I don't want to know (don't sounds stronger than do not, sometimes using abbriations are better)
how they were killed.
The tears keep flowing down
my redden cheeks
and my eyes are swollen
pink and red.
I like the use of colours and imagery, when you write free verse, you can use these details, and did what you did with the prologue, giving them their own seperate line which adds the impact of it.
I [s]don't[/s] can't say anything.
All I do is cry until I can't cry
anymore.
can't would make it seem like she is too stunned to say anything, and rather than just keeping silent, the words is choking her, and so can't would make it stronger.
Black.
It shows death
And sorrow.
I am wearing a black dress
at my parents funeral.
Everything has gone [s]to[/s] too fast.
In some parts, even through you're writing in 1st person, it is still good to show some details rather than tell, to make it more intersting for the readers. e.g use 'Maybe the black dress trailed my dragged footsteps'
at my parents funeral 'instead of I am wearing a black dress'
Black.
It shows emptiness.
And the loneliness I feel.
(just changing verse lengths makes it more effective)
Keep up the good work
~Flora
If you want to change it, that’s you. I don’t want to influence you on what you should do.
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