Gentleman's Club ~ One

Hello, everyone. Here is chapter one. I am planning to switch back and forth with the men and the MC for each chapter. I need all the help I can get for this part. Thank you. Enjoy, reading!

Chapter One

In the early 1800s a group of young men, decided that they needed more in life. A challenge from the opposite sex. Except they waited for that challenge for quite some time, but it never came. One man decided to use the females for their fortunes, another wanted to break a lady down from her station. With their different ideas they came together and formed a union. A brotherhood. And in this group, their sole purpose was to ruin a lady financially, socially, and other terms they wished to not discuss. These men call themselves the Gentleman's Club.

Smoke circled around the cigar as a man huffed and puffed it. He had not shaved this morning and didn't care, for this cheek had stubbles. The man behind him looked like he had just woken up, for his fine combed hair was tossed around.

“What are you thinking, Harry?” The young man asked his fellow companion who was smoking the cigar.

“Come sit down next fire, Elijah.” The young man did what he was told and sat in front of the man next to the fireplace.

Next to his chair was a table of alcoholic drinks. Elijah poured himself a glass of brandy and took a sip.

“Always the best.” The man with the cigar mentioned. “The brand is the most well known out there.”

“Right, Harry.” His friend said. Elijah glanced around the room and saw his other friends. Adam and Neil were conversing with each other on a topic he couldn't hear. They caught his eye, looked at each other and walked over.

“Ah, Adam. Neil. How are the ladies?” Harry said as he saw his friends.

Both men found a seat and sat down. Adam then took out a cigar, lit it and spoke, “Always the best.” His eyes lit up at the response he gave.

“No trouble at all?” Elijah said as he shook his head in disappointment.

“What's the matter? The ladies not work with you?” Neil told him with sarcasm flowing in his speech. The other two men laughed, but Elijah never broke into a smile. Not even one curve of his lip upwards.

His companions saw him, as he took another drink. “Elijah. Our work is supposed to be enjoyable.” Harry said out loud. “We are the Gentleman's Club after all.” Elijah glanced at the other men in the room and sighed.

“I know what we're supposed to do. Except...”

“Except what?” Adam asked, confusingly.

“Don't you remember how this club started?” He paused and waited for a response, but no one said anything. “They all wanted a challenge. Someone from the opposite sex fighting against everything they do. But, no lady came. So they brought forth the deed and now we're supposed to ruin a lady?”

Harry bent in closer, “Elijah, what are you mumbling about?”

Elijah took in a deep breath and spoke again, “I want something. A challenge. Not a lady I can completely ruin and she has nothing to say about it.”

Neil looked absolutely stunned, “What say you? This is what we are made to be.”

“What? Rogues?”

“Elijah. I don't think Neil is saying we have to be a ruthless cad, even though we can be. Remember who we are. We are the most powerful men in Bath and no single lady out there can do anything about it.” Adam finished his semi-speech being contented with himself.

“Here. Here, Adam.” Harry and Neil both said. All three men seemed to agree with themselves, but Elijah didn't.

Then he thought of something, “Friends. What if a lady can do something about it. What if she has no idea of what we are. What if she's not from Bath?”

Comments

Points: 890
Reviews: 20

Donate

Fri Feb 06, 2009 8:43 pm

MySunshine wrote a review...

Okay, forget my question about the time in the last chapter ^^

I totally liked how you explained how the Gentlemen's Club was "founded".
But I have another question: Is this club kind of like a legacy? Meaning Adam and the other guys are 'descendants' of those who founded the club and are practically forced to continue with it?

The storyline is very interesting. I think Elijah will be interesting, too, what with his scruples of breaking women.

Keep up the good work
MySunshine

Points: 1075
Reviews: 842

Donate

Thu Feb 05, 2009 1:32 am

ashleylee wrote a review...

Hello again, Merry! Back for more!

“What's the matter? The ladies not work with you?”

I think you mean “working” instead of “work” but I’m not sure. This kind of confused me so you might want to elaborate here more.

~ ~ ~ ~

Well, as you can see, I only found one mistake and it was pretty small :wink:

I do think, however, that this chapter was too short for my taste. You only gave us a small insight into the Gentlemen Club’s nature. We need more than that but I’m sure we’ll see that in future chapters. All we need right now is a little more to this chapter and you’ll be good.

Keep me posted with this! =]

Points: 890
Reviews: 208

Donate

Sun Feb 01, 2009 4:58 am

Merry_Haven says...

*Hannah & LoveableLittleSock~

Thank you for checking this chapter out. But, I have not gotten any time to revise this. I know this piece needs help, and I walked it over with my mom. And I will add lots more. Please give me some time.

Thank you.

*Merry

Points: 2168
Reviews: 183

Donate

Sun Feb 01, 2009 3:28 am

LoveableLittleSock wrote a review...

In the early 1800s a group of young men, decided that they needed more in their [s]life[/s]lives.

There is no need for the comma, and what are you talking about here? Needed more what in their lives?

A challenge from the opposite sex. Except they waited for that challenge for quite some time, but it never came.

So they needed a challenge from the opposite sex, but no challenge ever came. So they didn't even bother to take initiative? And what kind of challenge are they talking about here? This doesn't even make any sense.

One man decided to use the females for their fortunes, another wanted to break a lady down from her station. With their different ideas they came together and formed a union. A brotherhood.

"Break a lady down from her station?" And is this the challenge they've waited for? I honestly have no idea what's going on. This paragraph is meant to explain everything, but all it is is a vague explanation that confuses the reader. "Use a lady for their fortunes -" prostitute them, I'm guessing? I'm unaware of the meaning of the second part of the sentence.

And in this group, their sole purpose was to ruin a lady financially, socially, and other terms they wished to not discuss. These men call themselves the Gentleman's Club.

Why would they want to do this? For this "challenge from the opposite sex?"

Smoke circled around the cigar as a man huffed and puffed it. He had not shaved this morning and didn't care, for this cheek had stubbles. The man behind him looked like he had just woken up, for his fine combed hair was tossed around.

Alright, first off, this paragraph would be fine if it weren't for the italicized sentence. "Stubble" cannot be pluralized, and are you referring to the man himself as a cheek, or the mans cheek? Just omit that phrase, whatever it means, and just mention that he proudly didn't care about shaving and enjoyed the feel of his fuzz as he strokes it thoughtfully with his forefinger and thumb. Or something. And finely combed hair can't be tossed around, because it's been combed. Just write fine or thin hair.

“What are you thinking, Harry?” The young man asked his fellow companion who was smoking the cigar.

Phrase this a different way. Say he asked his friend as he watched the smoke encircle his companion playfully. Personify the smoke, make it come alive. Make the story more endearing. Personification is a fabulous technique if you use it properly. The way you write it is boring and make me want to punch the monitor.

“Come sit down next fire, Elijah.” The young man did what he was told and sat in front of the man next to the fireplace.

You make it seem like "fire" is something like a year or a week. Did you mean, "next to thefire?" And associate dialogue with the character who is speaking, not that character it is being directed to. Say, "Harry requested" or "Harry said." And then in the next sentence or paragraph write how the young man did what he was told. And I would recommend you adding detail to these paragraphs, like

"Come sit down next to the fire, Elijah." Harry requested, inhaling another breath of smoke. He cleared his throat as his friend sat down and eyed the fire wistfully. Which is the slightest bit awkward sounding, but hey, try to follow that example, yeah? Make the reader less bored and the story less dialogue-consumed and confusing.

Next to his chair was a table of alcoholic drinks. Elijah poured himself a glass of brandy and took a sip.

There should be a semi-colon where the period is.

“Always the best.” The man with the cigar mentioned. “The brand is the most well known out there.”

We know what his name is! His name his Harry! Why are you still calling him, "The man with the cigar?" And don't you mean, "This brand?" And how is this relevant? Why do we need to know that this brand is so well-known? Is this club very stuffy and well-kept? Are all the members affluent and come from wealthy families? And are they even in some kind of clubhouse, or are they just hanging out? You seriously leave out many, many details.

“Right, Harry.” His friend said. Elijah glanced around the room and saw his other friends. Adam and Neil were conversing with each other on a topic he couldn't hear. They caught his eye, looked at each other and walked over.

I think you were trying to make this paragraph as boring as possible. "He said. He saw his friends. He couldn't hear what they were saying. They walked over." And why did you write, "His friend said?" Why don't you write, Elijah? Familiarize your reader with the characters and their names, because even I had to scroll up to remember it.

How are you supposed to make the paragraph less boring? Why don't you make it so we can hear what Adam and Neil are conversing so we get a better idea of what they do and who they are. I have no way of distinguishing these characters by their personalities, because I haven't seen any. They don't have any mannerisms or accents or anything. We're only in the beginning of the story, but you could have down so much by now.

“Ah, Adam. Neil. How are the ladies?” Harry said as he saw his friends.

He already saw his friends. "Harry said as he friends approached/walked over/etc."

Both men found a seat and sat down. Adam then took out a cigar, lit it and spoke, “Always the best.” His eyes lit up at the response he gave.

What's always the best? What the hell are they talking about? That's supposed to hold significance because Harry said the same thing earlier, but honestly it just shows me that the dialogue isn't realistic, or your characters are shallow idiots who don't know what they're talking about half the time. And who gives what response? And write, "said," not "spoke." Adam lit a cigar and said, "Always the best." I would recommend just omitting the paragraph. Seriously.

“No trouble at all?” Elijah said as he shook his head in disappointment.

Wait, so he's disappointed that the women haven't been giving them any trouble? I'm still not getting it. And try, "Elijah asked." It makes it a tad bit better. A tad.

“What's the matter? The ladies not work with you?” Neil told him[/b],[/b] [s]with[/s] sarcasm flowing [i]through[s]in[/s] his speech. The other two men laughed, but Elijah never broke into a smile. [s]Not even one curve of his lip upwards[/s].

Neil didn't tell him anything. He asked him something. And I don't understand what the deal is with this.
"How are the ladies?" - Harry
"Always the best." - Adam
"No trouble at all?" - Elijah
"What's the matter? The ladies not work with you?" - Neil

Why would Neil infer that anything was the matter? The way Elijah shakes his head? You can't even shake your head in disappointed when you say, "No trouble at all." It wouldn't make any sense! This dialogue doesn't make sense! And what does he mean, "The ladies not work with you?" Are they prostitutes that won't sleep with him, because that's the idea I'm getting. Make everything a lot more clear, because I've been lost since the first sentence.

His companions saw him, as he took another drink. “Elijah. Our work is supposed to be enjoyable.” Harry said out loud. “We are the Gentleman's Club after all.” Elijah glanced at the other men in the room and sighed.

What the hell does this mean? What is their work? And what provoked Harry into saying this? And why is it, "Harry said out loud?" He hasn't been saying anything in his head. And who are these companions? And what is this "Gentleman's Club?" You say they're trying to ruin women in every way possible, but you aren't telling us anything and you're leaving us in the dark. And who are these men in the other room? There's another room? Where is this scene taking place?

“I know what we're supposed to do. Except...”

Who is saying this? Elijah? And what does he mean? All he asked was, "No trouble at all?" Which usually means he wants to know if whoever it is has given his friends a hard time, not that he's confused about his duty.

“Except what?” Adam asked, confusingly.

Try to replace "confusingly" with "baffled." It just sounds really awkward, and it's not really proper grammar unless you take out the comma.

“Don't you remember how this club started?” He paused and waited for a response, but no one said anything. “They all wanted a challenge. Someone from the opposite sex fighting against everything they do. But, no lady came. So they brought forth the deed and now we're supposed to ruin a lady?”

... Heh?
1) Who wanted a challenge?
2) Everything who does? And what do they do? And which sex is the opposing one? Women or men?
3) No lady came to what?
4) Who brought forth what deed?
5) How are they supposed to ruin these women?
6) You say "a lady," but I thought it was many women, or all women, just not one.

Harry bent in closer, “Elijah, what are you mumbling about?”

That was ELIJAH speaking? I thought it was Harry! And you don't "bend" in closer, you "lean" in closer.

Elijah took in a deep breath and spoke again, “I want something. A challenge. Not a lady I can completely ruin and she has nothing to say about it.”

So he wants a challenge, but he doesn't want a lady who has no say. Is this what you're trying to get across?

Neil looked absolutely stunned, “What say you? This is what we are made to be.”

So women are supposed to be challenged while they have no say.

“What? Rogues?”

How the hell did rogues come into play? The women are rogues now?

“Elijah. I don't think Neil is saying we have to be a ruthless cads, even though we can be. Remember who we are. We are the most powerful men in Bath and no single lady out there can do anything about it.” Adam finished his semi-speech being contented with himself.

Semi speech? It was like, two sentences. And how are they most powerful men in Bath? What have they done? And what lady would want to bring them down? And why? And why does Elijah think Neil wants them to be "ruthless cads?"

“Here. Here, Adam.” Harry and Neil both said. All three men seemed to agree with themselves, but Elijah didn't.

So they said this in unison. They both said, "Here." And then paused, and then said, "Here, Adam" and the exact same times. Okay. And what are you talking about when you say, "All three men seemed to argue with themselves? There are four men, so don't say "all," and only two were speaking. And I seriously cannot tell the difference between Harry and Neil, I truly can't.

Then he thought of something, “Friends. What if a lady can do something about it. What if she has no idea of what we are. What if she's not from Bath?”

Then who thought of something? Elijah? And what if a lady can do something about what? The club? And why when you say, "do something," what is she exactly going to do? Is there a woman out there who wants to ruin them? What are you talking about!

~*~*~

CHARACTERS

I don't know, I honestly don't know who anybody is or what their standing is or what their duty is or who they are. All I know is that there are four characters so far - Harry, Elijah, Neil and Adam. Elijah is the only one I can tell apart from the other three, because apparently he's so smart for questioning this club of theirs.

DIALOGUE

Have you read over this story? None of the dialogue makes any sense, I swear. It's like they're talking at each other rather than to each other. You're implying all these different things from the dialogue - that a woman wants to bring the club down, that the Gentleman's club exploits and ruins women, and that the club first started out because these men wanted to "challenge" women. What the hell? Seriously? I'm so lost. I have no idea what you mean. You keep saying the same things over and over without explaining everything.

GRAMMAR

Your grammar was fine. It wasn't the best, as you don't know how to use tags and you don't know when to use a comma, a semi-colon, a dash or a period. I would have gone into more depth, but I would have spent so much time on it that I probably would have just forgotten everything else.

STORYLINE/PLOT

I have no idea. At all. Nada. I'm so confused.

OVERALL

Can I say I like this? Er, I'd like to, but I don't know what's going on! The idea seems great, and I'd love to read more, but you're just so vague about everything. I honestly don't know why everybody is praising this, not that it's badly written. Sort of. It's like, I didn't enjoy for lack of what you written. If that makes sense. Just, look at my comments after each paragraph. What I need you to do is explain everything. Give us the setting, and go into depth about the characters. Give us more background, but read over what you write carefully. Read it out loud, and try to read it from the perspective of somebody who isn't you. The best thing I can suggest is reading it aloud and leaving it alone for a couple days so you can get a better idea of everybody elses point of view.

This story actually irritates me, because I want to know what's going on, but you aren't letting me. Just trash this whole chapter and rewrite it, is what I suggest. Go to the "Review for Food" forum and get more instructors to review it so you'll maybe get an idea of what I'm talking about, because I may just be rambling and insulting you as I do so =] (sorry!)

REWRITE THIS!
I want to read it and know what it's actually about =[
Please? I'll help you if you want ;]
Just PM meh.
Keep writing!
~*Sara*~

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

Donate

Sun Feb 01, 2009 1:36 am

Hannah wrote a review...

Finally got to it, Merry! Sorry about the delay. School, you know... <3

In the early 1800s a group of young men, decided that they needed more in life. A challenge from the opposite sex. Except they waited for that challenge for quite some time, but it never came.

^_^ Hehe, what I would suggest here would be to put an apostrophe after '1800', as that's how it's supposed to go AND you should take out that silly comma! You don't need it. Also, are all the men going to be young men or will there be some older men? I don't know... 'young men' give me the image of men in their twenties -- just see if that's what you were going for and if it is, keep it! ^_^ Then, you'll need a colon after life to show that the 'challenge' is what 'more they needed in life'. After that, you can take out 'except' because I think you show the contrast with the word 'but' and would only need to use 'except' if you somehow connected that sentence to another. ^_^

One man decided to use the females for their fortunes, another wanted to break a lady down from her station.

If you say 'decided', it makes it seem like he's already chosen what he's going to do rather than discussing possibilities with the rest of the group. I also agree that you should take out 'the' because it's not needed. ^_^

Smoke circled around the cigar as a man huffed and puffed it. He had not shaved this morning and didn't care, for this cheek had stubbles. The man behind him looked like he had just woken up, for his fine combed hair was tossed around.

Hmmm. First off, I don't know that 'huffed and puffed' is a good kind of verb to use when describing a cigar. I mean, you ARE trying to give off a sophisticated air, right? Doesn't 'huffed and puffed' hearken back to a fairy tale kind of story -- the three little pigs? ^_^ See what I mean? Try looking around to find out how people who smoke cigars describe the action. ^_^ Umm, the second sentence is also kind of awkward. I think if you want to keep the part about him having a 'stubbly' cheek, you'd put that first, kind of like...

From the stubble that covered his cheek, it was obvious the man had not shaved that morning.

That's my suggestion, anyway. ^_^

next fire, Elijah.” The young man did what he was told and sat in front of the man next to the fireplace.

Next to his chair was a table of alcoholic drinks.

Well, first I'd like to point out that you used the phrase 'next to' three time in the space of three sentences -- you might want to find different phrases like 'adjacent to' or something like that. Also, 'a table of alcoholic drinks' sounds weird. >_< Maybe you could break out into a nice little description here, describing the table, some of the names of the drinks, the bottles they were kept in {if you don't know about things like this, just do a little research! ^_^}.

The ladies not work with you?” Neil told him with sarcasm flowing in his speech. The other two men laughed, but Elijah never broke into a smile. Not even one curve of his lip upwards.

Here, you use the speech tag 'told' when the previous sentence was a question -- you should probably say 'asked him sarcastically' to shorten up the sentence. ^_^ Um, also that last sentence is a fragment so you'll need to find a way to combine it with the previous one!

“They all wanted a challenge. Someone from the opposite sex fighting against everything they do. But, no lady came. So they brought forth the deed and now we're supposed to ruin a lady?”

Hmm, isn't he talking about the group? I think then he'd say 'We all wanted a challenge -- someone from the opposite sex fighting against everything we do.' etc. I also don't really understand what he's saying in these sentences -- what went wrong that he's upset about? Do try to clarify! ^_^

Adam finished his semi-speech being contented with himself.

“Here. Here, Adam.” Harry and Neil both said. All three men seemed to agree with themselves, but Elijah didn't.

Here, I don't think you should use 'semi-speech' because it kind of breaks the mood again, then you should probably just say 'Adam finished his speech and sat down, looking quite contented with himself.' or something like that. ^_^ In that last sentence, I think it would be obvious that the men would agree with themselves. I think what you meant, though, was that they agreed /amongst/ themselves, which would mean they agreed with each other.

There are a bundle of grammatical errors in here, mostly having to do with fragments and speech tags. >_< Look it over and see what sentences you can combine so they'll flow smoother! I still like the story and the essence of it though! I hope to read more soon! ^_^ <3

-Hannah-

Points: 890
Reviews: 208

Donate

Sun Jan 25, 2009 4:39 pm

Merry_Haven says...

*Angel of Death~

I'm glad there wasn't a lot of mistakes and I did have trouble with the length. So I'll try to lengthen it. And thanks for the pointer!

*Night Mistress~
I do like the names for the men, also. But, I only showed one female into the story. So you'll have to check those names out soon.
Oh, that series you mentioned sounds interesting! What's it called?

Thank you guys for taking your time to read this.

*Merry

Points: 1040
Reviews: 250

Donate

Sun Jan 25, 2009 2:35 pm

Night Mistress wrote a review...

Hey Merry,

I like this. I see you have change the name of the men too. I liked the names better for the men then I do for the girls.

You know, read this remind me of a series of books that I read that have to do with a bet on who will be the last left in the club. Of course alll of the guys got marry and no one won.

anyway, I don't see any mistakes.

I am looking forward the second chapter.

See ya around.

Points: 2242
Reviews: 695

Donate

Sun Jan 25, 2009 1:51 pm

Angel of Death wrote a review...

Hey Merry!

I quite liked this and I didn't find a lot of mistakes and if you follow Salsa's review you'll be good. It was too short for my taste so please hurry and post more. Ooh and you're switching between characters so that should be interesting.

There was only one thing that I find:

“Come sit down next fire, Elijah.” The young man did what he was told and sat in front of the man next to the fireplace.

It should be "Come sit down next to the fire, Elijah."

Ta,

~Angel

Points: 890
Reviews: 208

Donate

Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:24 am

Merry_Haven says...

*salsashanno~

Wow. I guess I'm improving little by little. Thank you for the pointers! I will soon revise.

*ballerina13 ~
Thanks for saying it's unique. That means a lot to me.

Thanks guys for reading!!

Points: 6280
Reviews: 135

Donate

Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:21 am

ballerina13 says...

Excellent! The story sounds very intriging and unique. I like it! I did not find any major mistakes, you just might want to read through it and make sure it flows.

Points: 890
Reviews: 61

Donate

Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:10 am

cheese9975 wrote a review...

Hellooo. I'm going to put any suggested changes/comments in bold, alrighty?

Merry_Haven wrote:
Chapter One

In the early 1800s a group of young men, decided that they needed more in life. A challenge from the opposite sex. Except they waited for that challenge for quite some time, and it never came. One man decided to use the (take out "the," it flows better without it) females for their fortunes, another wanted to break a lady down from her station. With their different ideas they came together and formed a union. A brotherhood. And in this group, their sole purpose was to ruin a lady financially, socially, and other terms they wished to not discuss. These men call themselves the Gentleman's Club. Intrigue. Is it that kind of Gentlemen's Club?
Smoke circled around the cigar as a man huffed and puffed it. He had not shaved this morning and didn't care, for this cheek had stubbles. The man behind him looked like he had just woken up, for his fine combed hair was tossed around.
“What are you thinking, Harry?” The young man asked his fellow companion who was smoking the cigar.
“Come sit down next fire, Elijah.” The young man did what he was told and sat in front of the man next to the fireplace.
Next to his chair was a table of alcoholic drinks. Elijah poured himself a glass of brandy and took a sip.
“Always the best.” The man with the cigar mentioned. “The brand is the most well known out there.”
“Right, Harry.” His friend said. Elijah glanced around the room and saw his other friends. Adam and Neil were conversing with each other on a topic he couldn't hear. They caught his eye, looked at each other and walked over.
“Ah, Adam. Neil. How are the ladies?” Harry said as he saw his friends.
Both men found a seat and sat down. Adam then took out a cigar, lit it and spoke, “Always the best.” His eyes lit up at the response he gave.
“No trouble at all?” Elijah said as he shook his head in disappointment.
“What's the matter? The ladies not work with you?” Neil told him with sarcasm flowing in his speech. The other two men laughed, but Elijah never broke into a smile. Not even one curve of his lip upwards.
His companions saw him, as he took another drink. “Elijah. Our work is supposed to be enjoyable.” Harry said out loud. “We are the Gentleman's Club after all.” Elijah glanced at the other men in the room and sighed.
“I know what we're supposed to do. Except...”
“Except what?” Adam asked, confused.
“Don't you remember how this club started?” He paused and waited for a response, but no one said anything. “They all wanted a challenge. Someone from the opposite sex fighting against everything they do. But, no lady came. So they brought forth the deed and now we're supposed to ruin a lady?”
Harry bent in closer, “Elijah, what are you mumbling about?”
Elijah took in a deep breath and spoke again, “I want something. A challenge. Not a lady I can completely ruin and she has nothing to say about it.”
Neil looked absolutely stunned, “What say you? This is what we are made to be.”
“What? Rogues?”
“Elijah. I don't think Neil is saying we have to be a ruthless cad, even though we can be. Remember who we are. We are the most powerful men in Bath and no single lady out there can do anything about it.” Adam finished his semi-speech being contented with himself.
“Here. Here, Adam.” Harry and Neil both said. All three men seemed to agree with themselves, but Elijah didn't.
Then he thought of something, “Friends. What if a lady can do something about it. What if she has no idea of what we are. What if she's not from Bath?”

This was cool, I liked it! I was definitely different and unique. But, are you sure it belongs here and not in Historical Fiction? Think about it. Just make those few tiny corrections and you'll be golden!

xoxo,
Shannon

Young Writers Society

Gentleman's Club ~ One

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources