We are the Beasts of the Barrens, though most humans call us “ohmygodaaaaaaahs”, for whatever reason. From what we know of human expressions, we’re pretty terrifying, but we like each other. We’re like wolves but three times the size. Dave says we’re “Warg rip-offs”, but I don’t really know what that means. We inhabit the Barrens of Desolation (yes, they’re actually called that), and that’s the problem. We’re the only ones here. We were placed here by an author who knows nothing about ecology and just thought it would be “cool” to have us attack his fantasy party on their quest to recover the Whatever of Whatever. Though that stupid Mary Sue killed Judy and Matthew, we managed to kill one of her party, but he tasted funny. I guess he was the Designated Comic Relief.
That was all well and good, but they were long gone and we started to get hungry again, and there weren’t any prey animals around. We tried to leave, but couldn’t. So one day, we held an emergency meeting to decide what to do. And that is where this story begins.
“No prey animals come in here,” says Jeffery, the leader of our pack, “probably because they’re too smart.”
“That bumbling fire mage was tasty!” exclaims Penelope. “Am I really the only one who thought so?”
“The general consensus is yes,” says Jeffery. “Does anyone have ideas about how to get food in here? Eating each other is out of the question, and the rocks taste awful.”
I raise a paw.
“Yes, Eric? Speak,” says Jeffery.
“The only food source we can seem to get is humans,” I say. “I think we need a way to lure humans in here to eat.”
“That might be too dangerous,” says Paul. “What if they’re a Sue crew like that last group? They’d kill us all!”
“And we’d still need a way to lure them in,” adds Lindsay. “I can’t think of anything.”
“I think we should focus more on finding a way out of this wasteland!” barks Emily.
The debate rages on with threats, accusations, and swear words aplenty, until one voice silences the rest.
“I shall address your concerns,” says Dave. “First off, the majority of average citizens of GenericFantasyLand aren’t Sues, so we won’t have to worry there. As for luring them here, we simply spread the rumor that there is a treasure buried here, specifically by the bend in the river next to the cliff. The humans will go there, most likely packing shovels instead of swords, and be trapped while we descend and eat them all.”
Roars of agreement fill the air. I smile, proud of my brother. He’s always been so smart.
“So it’s agreed,” said Jeffery. “We adopt Dave’s plan. All in favor?”
“Aye!” everyone yells.
“The tally is unanimous,” said Jeffery. “Let’s get rumor-spreading!”
Everyone sallies out from the meeting rock in every direction. I encounter three ravens sitting on a scraggly tree and ask them to spread the word to the humans about the “treasure”. The ravens talk it over amongst themselves for a moment, and then decide to do it.
“Thank you!” I call as they fly away. “You’re welcome to come and eat with me!”
Within two weeks, the first treasure-hunting party enters our domain, and let me tell you, those two fat Designated Evil Merchants were so tasty…
Points:
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I will like it, but I think you can revise a few sentences there. The characters lack personality too but I love the whole way you made fun of fantasy stories so yeah.
And on a side note, do you go to TV Tropes? If not, ignore that question.
Sincerely,
Kara
This made my day. If you write more PM me or I'll send my minions after you.
Yeah, I was thinking of expanding this. Probably not into novel length though, I don't think it could get anywhere near there.
Well, this was great. I loved it. It was inventive and entertaining, and I love how it pokes fun at all the clichés and Mary-Sues of fantasy writing. And the names - Dave, Eric, Jeffery - love how average they are.
My only complaint is the first part. Little bit of an info dump at the beginning and then you say "This is where our story begins." Well, the rest of the story is really just dialogue between the creatures and then what feels like a rushed ending. Are you planning on expanding this at all? I think you could really go somewhere with this. Again, well done!