Ode to the First Step

Hi there Merish! Nite here to offer up another review for Team Inc(red)ibles this fine Review Day!

What I like: You do have a lot more imagery here than in your other poem, which I like. It's strong and it makes me really see what the speaker is going through.

However, I still think the form is holding you back. It feels less natural and more forced and gimmicky. Rhyming is great, but here it makes you do strange things with the lines and it doesn't help you much. Think about what words convey your meaning over what rhymes. Also think about what words you want to emphasize to create cleaner line breaks.

Overall, keep working on this strong imagery and create a better structure to suit your words. Keep writing!

I won't say I enjoyed this poem, because the initial subject is definitely not something to be enjoyed, but it's definitely a more subtle calling to that emotion of apprehension found in anyone who's trying to admit that they're dealing with something problematic.

Looking at it objectively, I do think some of the punctuation made some lines feel more stilted to me - the third and fourth stanzas especially pulled me out of it a bit, but that may just be me. Also, the wording in "These are/the answers why I wasn't some days in my classroom" is a little awkward to me.

I think your use of cursing was very effective, not there every single line but only there when it absolutely needed to be, but again I was a little thrown off by "All I know/is I won't have to live with you and all the shit."; however, that may be because that stanza in particular took me a couple of times to read through because my grammar seems to be broken today. Just keep in mind that lines or especially a whole poem that takes a double reading - not because of the profoundness but because the reader couldn't understand it - is a sure sign that some readers won't return to another piece by you.

In any case, it's a very strong piece all on its own, and despite a bit of wonkiness with the grammar that threw me off, I think you deserve kudos for covering this with as much strength as you did.

Oh wow. I seriously got chills reading this. This is a situation that is all to real and close. You really captured the feelings of anger and helplessness and sadness so well in a truly beautifully balanced way. Many poems very briefly touch upon emotions and focus on one but this actually dove very deep from the very beginning with the juxtaposed images of the two versions of the mother. Your poem really did a great job of making the reader feel the emotions as opposed to feeling sorry. It may be just my personal connection, but even if it is, your poem does an amazing job of really doing more than just skimming the surface. The only thing I might change about it is when you say
"These are/ the answers why I wasn’t some days in my classroom" I might say "These are/ the answers as to why I wasn't in class some days" The way it's worded right now is a little awkward and detracts from the powerful flow of the piece. I look forward to reading more of your work!

Hey there! Really strong poem here. I mean wow, this is powerful. I really liked how agressive it was in the center as that balanced the nice image of a pretty mother in the beginning, and then it ended quietly and resovedly. This piece is jarring but necessarily so. I really likes your message and I love love love the ending. Now, I am a bit confused on your line breaks. I think you're going for couplets (which is a great choice--ironic because couplets are the standard sweet poem breakages and this is not a very sweet poem) however, I don't really understand the super short first line followed by the really long secnd line. Maybe I'm just not getting it. Either way, it's your poem so obviously you get to decide. You also have a lot of rhyme in this but there isn't really a set rhythm or pattern to the rhyme to explain the strange breaks. I must say though, I do like when poems rhyme on the insides of the lines rather than the ends (there's a term, I just can't remember).
All in all, very nice job here. Very strong, very emotional, very raw. Keep writing

~Tiny

If you are going to comment on my work don't just leave it blank thanks have a nice day.

I like how it ends,

Ode to the
first step,

The first
step is admitting you have a problem.