Solace

Hello Mercury! Welcome to YWS. I'm Carrie and I'm reviewing your poem
Wow, this poem is super-long, can't wait to really get into it *cracks knuckles*
Before I begin, though, I just want to let you know that the first rule here is that we try to keep the ratio of reviews to works posted 2:1 (so for every piece you post, try to have done at least two reviews).

Solace, I love that word. Me too!

It means “to find comfort in a time of difficulty or sadness.” In poetry, you don't really need to use periods, and you definitely don't need one at the end of every line. The line breaks take care of it for you, so you can just leave it.

The word by itself makes me think of Hugs, warmth, light.Did you mean to capitalize hugs? Otherwise, it's emphasized-that's okay, just make sure it's not a typo.

Finding that light at the end of a dark tunnel.

It also makes me think of being alone.

Solitude, isolated, solemnity, detached.This line sounds a bit weird because of the different word forms. (Like, there's solitude and solemnity, but then detached and isolated are in past, so I would suggest isolation and detachment instead.

I feel so detached from the world sometimes, completely disconnected from reality. I really like this. I think everyone has felt this way at some point, and you write it very well.

My senses are dulled.

My perception of the real world is distorted by this isolation You don't need this here, especially since you have it in the next line.

By this seemingly forlorn nature of mine. Ditch the seemingly.

But I like to think that

The only way to clearly define your own identity

Is to be completely alone. Good ending to this first stanza! Love it.;-)



Being part of a group, part of the real world, sharing similar mentalities, empathizing and emoting with others. This line is long compared to the rest of the poem. Consider breaking it up into two or three.

As much as I like it

It makes me feel like I’m losing myself.

At a certain point, after reaching the peak of this fluid exchange of interactions.I already said you don't need a period at every line. Here you shouldn't have it, because it's a sentence fragment.

I’m lost

I have lost myself

Where did I go?

I can no longer express myself, I cannot exchange words with others, I cannot listen, I cannot touch, I cannot taste, I cannot understand anymore. Again, this line is too long and there are too many commas. If you want it to read like a list, give each thought its own line.

I don’t know what to do

I am just an empty shell of my former self.Ditch the former.[b]

Escape is a burning hope.[b]Good description. I like the period here, but doesn't work for your next line, so replace it with a comma OR change your next line.

One that I must soon realise.I think you should keep the period and change this, just because 'escape is a burning hope' seems like a complete thought and it does not need this little addition.

I cannot remain lost.

I must escape. Escape is a little repetitive here. Try something like 'get out' or 'break free'.

Somewhere out of the way.

The walls are closing in on me.

This madness will soon consume me.

I can feel it creeping in, like little fingers, forcing its way through the pores of my skin, clawing through my flesh, attempting to smother my body. I love this visual! Favorite part of the poem so far. However, it would be more effective broken up.

I will not give in to this, I will not give up, I have never given up before.



Go

Go now Redundant after the first 'Go.'

I’m moving

I don’t know where I’m moving to, but I’m moving.

Direction is not a requisite to this escape plan. I like this.

Just move

Find a place

Out of the way

Where no one can see you Okay, I get that you're talking to yourself, but this (and the next line) is weird because suddenly you're talking in second person. It would still mean the same thing if you replaced you with [/i]me[/i], or just omitted the you completely.

Hide, quickly, before someone sees you. [b]I suggest replacing sees you with notices. Just because 'sees' is repetitive, and there's that second person thing again.

It will all be over soon, it will all be over soon



Take my mind away from the real world

Let’s step outside Let's implies a 'we'. Who is this 'we'? You go from stating things, to second-person, to 'let's'. That being said, I think the 'let's' works; it's just that the changes in characters are jarring.

Let’s think about something else for a minute

Maybe think about the faces and shapes found in clouds

Or the formation of trees

Patterns with meaning

There are little stories everywhere These last three lines are excellent.

In the bracelet that was dropped on the pavement

In the half-drunken cup of coffee left on a bench, with wispy tendrils of steam seeping over the rim Commas separate independent clauses. So, every time you use one, ask yourself if you could separate thoughts by line breaks instead. I know I'm saying this a lot, but I really think this poem could be so much more effective if you did.

In the smiling teddy bear, pink and fluffy, stained with mud, stuck in the grills of a drain

In the tone of people’s voices

In the way they stand

in their choice of words Try 'in their words'

in the way they dress Try 'in their dress'

But the way that people interact with each other

It’s just too intricate

So many different levels to think about I really like this thought and the way you developed it.

The connections that are made

The contrast and comparisons of their behaviour You really don't need both 'contrast' and 'comparisons' here, so just pick one. It will flow better.

The way their conversations seem to flow with ease Ditch their. This goes for the next line too.

The subtleties of their body language

Are they fully aware of themselves?

Or are they lost in this as well? Ditch they.

Maybe the difference is that they know they are lost, but they also know they have a map tucked away somewhere for easy reference *cough line breaks cough*

Or maybe it’s possible that they know exactly where they are, and they don’t need a map

I envy the latter Love this. And the line before it.

My map was ripped apart, and is slowly being fixed

It’s different to how it looked before

It’s a growing patchwork of things I have encountered throughout the last few years Ditch 'throughout the last few years'. It's irrelevant.

I look at it regularly

But at times when I should, I don’t This is worded a little awkwardly, consider rephrasing.

I try to be without it, but then I get upset when I realize I don’t know where I am

Now Ditch this.

Let’s look at this map Ditch let's.

You know who you are

You know your place

You know where you are in relation to others[/b]Ditch this, or word it so that the first part is not simply repeating.[/b]

Walk down to the end of this street and turn right to find some semblance of Solace 'Semblance of Solace' Nice use of alliteration! These words together sound satisfying in my head.

Continue for 50 meters and cross the road to return back to reality This part just seems a little off to me...I think it's because you're giving specific directions to something that's very...abstract? Don't get me wrong, I like the map concept but this just seems...too real. Sorry I'm so vague, I just can't put my finger on it.

Don’t be afraid

Don’t ever be afraid



I leave my private world and return.

I found solace Use 'find' instead of 'found'. The rest is in present tense, so this word should be too.

Solace, I love that word.

It means “to find comfort in a time of difficulty or sadness.”

I always manage to find itWonderful ending.

Finished with the nit-picks (I promise)
Overall: I really did like this, I thought it was really insightful and you worded it well. It is very long, and looks a bit daunting, but that's not a bad thing. Actually, I give you lots of kudos for being able to write such a long poem and keeping focus!

About your subject. The feeling of disconnected-ness is so universal that everyone can relate to it, and so everyone writes about. So to stand out, one really must be original. And I think you did a good job of that-your use of metaphor is nice but not overdone. Also, I like the way you're disconnect or 'lost' but you take comfort in Solace. You did not stray into the 'Wah, I'm so lonely' kind of poem, which is common (and can be good if done well but isn't usually).

Okay, I'm finally done *phew* Hope you found this helpful.
And I can't wait to read more of your work! This one is getting a gold star.
PM me for anything.