Bleeding rust, breathing exhaust, I'm the kind of machine
you've been searching for, now addicted to, but I'm only found in your hollow dreams
Made of steel, yet so fragile- broken easily
One movement out of balance, I'll begin to fall apart
Built upon this mighty empire, who knew we could fall so far...
A stroke of genius, a work of art, only the brilliant could create
but all the sudden -in mass production, aren't we all just fake?
now we're mindless mechanisms producing only hate
we've all turned into monsters, but maybe that's just how we're made
What really lies beneath metal flesh but passionless chips and sickened circuitry?
stale rhythm formed by a digital heartbeat once we've undergone our metallic surgeries?
Now mangled wires spark glitches of imperfect wastes of sanity
But, what's this? flames ignite and motors fall dead
and upon such fiery panic, induced robotic dread
We flood the streets with silver as we all begin to melt
what a shame that we beautiful creations couldn't have have ended well
we watch each other drip away...that's how we rose and fell .
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Loved, loved the title!
One thing that I want you to try... you have a lot of lines and some of the lines and descriptions can be a bit repetitious. This isn't bad in itself, but I want you to try and see how much you can cut from the poem. Right now, it seems a bit long, which is highly unrobotlike...so maybe cutting a bit off with help you.
This is a very well thought out and written poem. I love how you were able to arrange the poem to feel as if the poem is written by a robot and you were still able to maintain a very good flow to the poem. The poem brings up very good points like our dependence on machinery and how fragile the machinery is, meaning that our society is in fact fragile.
This is a wonderful ending because it makes the connection of how like robots, humans (the beautiful creations), let themselves wither away, or "drip away."
As you have already heard, the title doesn't give credit to how deep and enjoyable your poem is. I also have trouble with good titles however I strongly suggest you think of one that suites the poem in a better way.
Thanks,
Mr. SpaceMan
I'm pretty useless at critiquing poetry, but I liked the trend of robot-isms throughout the poem to go along with the title. Some of the phrases were especially good. I liked:
"Bleeding rust, breathing exhaust"
"now we're mindless mechanisms"
"What really lies beneath metal flesh but passionless chips and sickened circuitry?"
"digital heartbeat"
Nice work.
Thank you, guys ;D
I'm really glad you enjoyed this.
Ah, sorry about the title. I should have explained that it wasn't an actual title idea rather than what I was thinking at the moment since I've been writing about robots lately and I didn't know what else to call it. For about the same reason, I slacked on the punctuation as well, sorry ;p
As for this:
I like it less and less the more I read it so I may end up scratching that out eventually.
What it was meant to mean is sort of...well, this part is less literal and explains that the whole situation takes place in your own mind. Like how kids can get a little too attached to imaginary friends or people get life confused with dreams, if you dwell on negative thoughts, they can break you. It's actually a bit more that that concept, but I'll let you fill in the gaps.
Again, thanks for the positive feedback, much appreciated ;3
Hey,
I liked this, just a couple of things. The first is the title, like they've already pointed out. I mean, it made me curious to read it but it just seems kind of...bizarre? The next thing was this line--
I didn't really understand this part quite as much, and it seemed like it sorta broke the rhythm.
Other than that, no complaints and it's a really good poem. I like the message a lot.
I also don't really like the title of this poem at all, but the poem, in fact, was excellent. It had excellent flow and it easily described so many complex things.
My favorite line: "A stroke of genius, a work of art, only the brilliant could create."
I also liked how you phrased "sickened circuitry" - an example of really great alliteration.
-Jane
I really like this, the title didn't really jump out at me though. My favorite part of this was the second what would you call it....paragraph thing haha....stanza thing. Anyway I love how you describe everything it flows well too. I like the very last thing you said. That's how we rose and fell, I think it would be a more appropriate title, but it's up to you.
-Flower-