Okie dokie, here's another exciting poem I've written.
--
I listen to--
for--
the beat
a mantra:
onetwothreefour.
It whispers such
things of vio
lance, of a Pup
pet Master who has
yet to relinquish
my foregone
sanity.
one two three four
My eyes have not
witnessed the source
of my distress.
The perpetual
tone of an irksome
beat.
Beings in white
coats with faces
that glow encom
pass my body
with large machines
and watch a screen
with their eyes wide.
I hear a voice
resonate through
the room and it
says "Your brain has
the beat of a
heart."
_One
__Two
___Three
____Four
--
Okay... second stanza sucks. >.>
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay, so hi Mentalist! I'm here, and as I've mentioned, this will be an attempted review, because I'm not really sure of what to say rather than I'm confused ._.
After reading the above reviews and your own comment, I can tell that it's a bit clear, but not crystal clear to me. I liked the first stanza, it was very interesting and pulled me in, by the punctuation and the fact that there was a correction of the point of view. That sounds very real to me. But still, I had to google mantra. It probably was just my ignorance, but I still had to do it x.x
In the second stanza... yeah, well, I understand that you broke down the words for the rhythm, but it still sounds so weird to me. Maybe to try to rearrange it, in a way that the letters could be put back together?
As for the confusion part, I think that the clearest part to me where the last two stanzas. Mostly because I feel that in the above there are a lot of ideas going around that didn't connect when I read it. Emphasis on the I, because this is only my point of view. So basically, what I'd advise you to do would be to review your concept and how you want it to connect with words and try to make it a bit clearer to the reader?
That's about it. I really enjoyed reading it, though. Very nice flow ^.^
- Kat
I separated the word "puppet" to keep the rhythm of the poem, like I did with "violence".
Thank you for the critiques, I do realize I have a problem with tying the poem together, which is what I'm working on. This was a bit experimental, with the rhythm pattern and repeating the numbers.
I will be sure to work on tying everything together next time I write a poem.
I have to agree with the first comment. I didn't really get how everything worked. I did like your choose of words. Like irksome! I did like the repeating of the numbers. Maybe with a little bit of work this poem could be fantastic. I liked the tittle you used because it caught my attention. Keep writing!
This poem really confused me! I didn't really understand it! But I like the repetition of one two three four. I don't understand why you put half of the word "puppet" in one line and the other half in the other. I like the use of the word irksome! It made my day! Keep writing! And PM me if you have any things you want me to review!
-KAH