Published May 16, 2010
I rather like this one, I'm not sure why. Go ahead and eat it alive.
--
She used to be
able to hold your
hand with feathered
fingers.
I would apologize
to you, sir, if I could.
You once sat under
a placid blanket with
her, gazing into (the empti
ness of) her eyes.
I would give you a
comforting gesture, sir,
but I am unable.
Your hand clutches
her once feathered
fingers. And
your expression mimics
the one of a lost puppy.
I would guide you, sir,
but I can only take one at a
time to the Afterlife.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,399 Literary Works • 674,388 Reviews
I like this, it's a good poem and the ending really gave me that moment of "ohhhh, NOW the puzzle-pieces fit together! NOW it's interesting!" Very cool. I didn't like the "lost puppy" line just because it's so commonly-used and took something away rather than enhanced the poem. Overall, though, I really like it.
Thank you, for the critique. I put that in parenthesis for to connect that she's now dead in present time. I've also changed the last stanza up a bit, so it reads better.
I really like this too! As I started reading it, I thought I knew exactly what it was going to be about (which could be a good thing or a bad thing!) but when I got to the end I actually had to reread the last part because it caught me off guard.
This is probably a stupid question and the answer is totally obvious to everyone but me, but why is emptiness in parenthesis?
You probably already know this, but this part kind of breaks the rhythm of the poem, and because of that, the lost puppy part got lost for me as I was reading it, and that's the part that links to the "I would guide you" part. I tried to rearrange the words to come up with something that would work better, but the only thing I can think of is to find some way to get "lost" to come up sooner in the sentence.
With or without corrections, I do genuinely like this poem! Keep writing
~Amylith