He Could Sing a Song

This is the first poem I've ever written, thought I'd post it to see what I need to work on in future works.


Code: Select all
He could sing a song--
without a voice.

He could mesmerize a crowd--
with no expression.

He could grow--
with the turn of a knob.

He had only one leg--
that could easily be extended.

He had only four hairs--
and he was in his "teenage" years.

He had an hourglass figure--
which struck as odd to some.

He swelled with emotions
at a stroke of a hand--
at the strength of an arm.

At the touch of a bow.

Comments & reviews · 3
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Kale
Review
Kale wrote a review · Thu Apr 15, 2010 3:12 pm

This was very interesting. I enjoyed reading it and puzzling out what He is (I'm still not quite sure what He is, but that's part of the fun). My only quibble would be the m-dashes at the end of the first line of each stanza. They strike me as unnecessary and a bit melodramatic. I can see why you used it, and if you rephrase some of the lines ("that could easily be extended" into "it could be easily extended", for instance), and switch some of the dashes for commas, I think it would work better. Also, the line "which struck as odd to some" is phrased oddly. I suggest rewording it to "which struck some as odd". It makes more sense.

Overall, though, very interesting poem. You wouldn't happen to be talking about a cello or a bass?

User avatar
silented1
Comment

It's good except for the repition(He had this or he was this and all that jazz) and I have no idea whatssoever on what you're talking about here.



People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin