Published January 22, 2010
This is just something I wrote when I was twelve. I recently found it on my computer and thought I might as well post it to see what people think.
I stood on the beach with the cool, course sand tickling my toes and the coal-grey clouds hanging low in the sky. As I gazed out to the tumbling waves, a gust of icy wind blew over me, whipping my hair around my face.
The thunderous waves crashed onto huge, weather worn rocks, spraying me and my oceanic surroundings with the calming and refreshing seawater. I licked my salty lips and swept my dreamy gaze up to the ever-blackening sky as a powerful gust of freezing wind buffeted me with all its kingly glory, causing my damp hair to stream out behind me.
The clouds grumbled, the sea roared and then, an earth-shattering crack. Lightning performed ballet, pirouetting and prancing across the sky, illuminating its gloominess.
Finally it came. Rain, pouring down in torrents, drenching me to the skin instantaneously. I closed my eyes and sighed with pleasure and relaxation. I listened to the crashing of the waves, the pitter-pattering of the rain, the cracking of the lightning and the rhythmic booming of the thunder.
The song of the stormy sea. The oceanic orchestra. I listened to the majestic music until I was hurried to shelter, however, no one and nothing can ever take this experience away from me. This spectacular memory is mine to cherish until the end of time.
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140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Ancient writings for the win! It's great to look back and see how much you've improved.
For someone who's twelve, this is very good. You're not just telling me about it, you're showing me, and that's very important because it makes me feel like I'm there. Of course, your descriptiion and grammar need a lot of work. You've over-done it a little and that sort of brings me back to a twelve-year-old's story. But you've done well with this. I'm sure that now, you could go over it and point out all the mistakes and make all the improvements without a problem. After a period of time, a writer can almost always read over an old work and see that it's flaewed where a few years ago it was perfection in written form. But I love it, so well done.
Hope I helped
~Grin
That was really amazing for a twelve year old! I really must give you props for that! I really like this piece because I can picture everything so vividly. I love the ocean myself and can just hear the boom of the thunder combined with the crash of the surf. Nice job!
Hello! Welcome to YWS!
I'd like to begin by saying you have a knack for descriptions. As I read it felt very tangible, as if I truly was there.
That said, there are some things to be tweaked. In places your grammar is a little wobbly (watch those run–on sentences!). Also, there were quite a few cringe–worthy moments induced by all those cliches ("dreamy eyes"? "clouds grumbled"? "icy wind"?). You have an imagination! I can see it plain and square in your other, many fine sentences. Don't be afraid to look for unusual syntax! The ending felt rather amateurish, too: "...until the end of time." it's excessively flamboyant. This is a gorgeous memory, but I feel that the grandeur of it is actually soured by such an over–the–top expression.
That said, I wish to reinforce my original comments and tell you that, with the exception of certain sentences, this is still quite a nice piece. I love the ocean, I love wind; I love storms and rain (and am even currently experiencing a tempest!) and thus reading this felt well worth the time.
See you around!
–antimelrose
I really enjoyed reading this! I love your description - while I was reading it, I could actually imagine being there, but not only that, it sounds like a place I would really like to be. You used description to help the reader, or at least me, empathise with you. I would like to know why you are there though; maybe you are trying to get away from someone or something, and came to the beach to relax and be alone. But it's great as it stands on it's own. I really like it.
Haha, yay for old works!
It's all right, especially for a twelve-year-old! If you wanted to revise this and make it better, consider taking out some of the adjectives and adverbs and using other means of description (nouns and verbs) to make it more solid. Also, I think the ending, where you talk about that memory... it's apparent that it is a memory! I would rather you end it on an "awe of nature" note rather than a "I can remember this!" note. It just seems more powerful!
Still, not bad!