Orabella
I woke up with a raging head ache pounding inside my skull.My eyes adjusted to the light flooding around me,and it took me a minute to realize that it was coming not from a window, but from a strange orb dangling in midair in the left corner of my room. It was almost perfectly circular and shone brilliantly against the stone that seemed to make up the walls. I heard a creaking noise and footsteps. Soon a bearded face peered down at me.
“Oh good, you’re up.” The man who spoke to me seemed as ancient as the hills, his piercing gray eyes crinkling at the corners as he smiled at me.
“How long have I been asleep?” I asked, my voice raspy.
“Three days now.”
“Oh.” I paused. “What about the boy who…saved me?”
“Oh, Gabriel? He barely left your side.” He chuckled. “You made quite an impression on him.”
I laughed, but it came out sounding like someone was strangling an old cow. “Probably a bad one.”
The old man just smiled. “Can you walk?”
“I think so.” He nodded once and moved away from the bed, probably waiting for me to get out of it. I did, and surprisingly felt minimal pain. He smiled at my startled expression.
“I took the liberty of taking care of your injuries while you were asleep. There are fresh garments on chair over there.” He pointed to a neatly folded pile of clothing on a chair to my right. “Please join us for lunch when you are done.” I nodded and he left, closing the door behind him.
I made my way to the chair and picked up the clothes. There was a knee length green tunic with slits up the sides and a pair of leggings of the same color. There was also a wide brown belt which I assumed went with the tunic. On the floor was a pair of study looking brown boots. I shrugged out of the white nightie I was wearing – trying not to think about who had dressed me in it - and put on the pants. They were very comfortable, clinging loosely to my legs. I then slipped on the tunic and fastened it around my middle with the belt. The boots were last and came up almost to the edge of the tunic. The whole outfit felt foreign, but very…liberating. I looked about the room to find that there was a tiny mirror at one corner. I went to it and frowned in dismay at the appearance of my hair. It seemed clean, which surprised me, but strands of it stuck out, making me look like a porcupine. I used my fingers to comb it, and then braided it loosely down my back. It looked a little better, but strands still escaped and fell against both sides of my face. I sighed. My hair had always been uncooperative. I walked to the door and opened it. Then, I realized that the old man had not said where I was to meet him. I took to wondering down the only hall I could see. At the end of it, there was a door which seemed larger than the others running down both sides. I tentatively pushed it,and it opened it surprisingly easily. I found myself in a very large chamber with a long table located in its center. I took a few hesitant steps before I saw that there were three figures seated at the table. One was the old man, the other was the boy I recognized as Gabriel. The third was a boy who seemed a little older than Gabriel. His head was bent, his shoulder-length black hair covering it. His clothing was crimson, a shock against his pale skin. He looked up as I walked closer to the table, fixing me with eyes the color of copper. I gasped at the unnatural tint. He smiled as if reading my thoughts and I quickly looked down. The Old man spoke, then.
“Welcome, Princess Orabella, to the Cave of Havlas. We hope that you have found your accommodations suitable?”
Speechless, I just nodded.
“Good. We shall eat as soon as—’’ Before the words left his mouth,the door I had come through flew open with a bang. I turned in time to see a girl rush up to the table. She had brilliant red hair and wore a tunic similar to mine, except it was a muddy orange, the color of maple leaves in the fall. She stopped a few feet away from me, gasping for air.
“I’m sorry…teacher…there was a…”
“Ivy, I don’t want to hear your excuses.” He sighed as if chastising a small child. “You must learn to be punctual, dear. Time is always—’’
“Our most valuable weapon. I know.” She looked down bashfully. “It won’t happen again.”
“I should hope not.” The Old man said with finality in his tone. “Now, will you and Orabella please be seated?”
The girl looked at me seemingly for the first time, big eyes widening in wonder or excitement. I glanced down, feeling my cheeks get hot.I moved forward to an empty seat to the man’s left. He motioned for me to sit down, and I found myself sitting opposite Gabriel.He regarded me curiously, as did the boy sitting next to him. As a matter of fact, it seemed as if they were all staring at me, and I fidgeted in my seat.
“Umm, hello?” I said uncertainly, my voice wavering.
“Hi! I’m Ivy.” The girl said and thrust out her hand. I shook it tentatively as she smiled.
“Gabriel.” The blond boy nodded, although I already knew.
“Rowan.” The dark-haired boy said with an incline of his head. I shrank away from his gaze.
“And I am the Teacher.” Oh. The Teacher? I would have thought that he would have a more, ah, distinguishable name.
“It’s nice to meet you all.” I said sincerely. They were the first people I had met who didn’t seem to wish me harm in a long time.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
Taking this review paragraph-by-paragraph.
First: The only thing that could improve this part would be making it smoother. The transition from the surroundings to describing the orb was a little awkward to my eyes. That's just personal opinion, though.
Second- Ninth: (I'm reviewing this all as one.) The hero just woke up in a strange room and a strange old guy is looming over her. I think that she would be worried more than witty. I would be freaking out! Also, what is she feeling. Is she scared? Curious? Angry at the Prince?Tenth paragraph: Looking at it without reading first = Scared first impression. Seems pretty long... "I took to wondering down the only hall I could see." This line seems weird. Wouldn't she walk right out the door into a hallway? If this isn't what you meant, re-word it. Other than that, this paragraph has some typos. Just sayin'.
Eleventh- Thirteenth: Nothing that needs changed here, really.
Fourteenth- Seventeenth: <See Above>
The rest is pretty good. If you were to do anything, add in what she's thinking. Like the actual thoughts.
Well, hope I helped a little, and if not, please disregard everything I've said!
Hoping to receive a review in return,
~Questio~
I think you do a very good job for setting the scene of the story and drawing the reader in. The first paragraph is descriptive enough that it gives the reader a good feeling for what follows, but not so descriptive that it's overbearing.
What I'd work on is the dialogue. Dialogue can be very tricky to get right, and the holy grail of dialogue is to be able to write in such a way that the reader knows who's speaking without any context whatsoever. Of course, very few writers are able to achieve that! Not even most published writers can manage that.
But, a few small things can help improve your dialogue by a lot. One of those things is to not be afraid of the word "said." Often times, we're told to avoid repetition, and so we resort to finding different ways of saying "said." This is unnecessary -- said is one of those few words that readers just kind of glance over. It's perfectly okay to use "said" over and over. Instead, let your dialogue tell the reader how something was said.
Likewise, elaborate descriptions of the manner in which something was said are usually unnecessary. Take these excerpt:
You've told the reader three times that the speaker is uncertain. Once with the "Umm," again with "uncertainly" and a third time with "wavering." The "Umm, hello" is all you need, though. The reader can easily infer the rest.
On the other hand, you have some great pieces of dialogue as well like the following:
Everything here is new information. There's no way a reader could infer "with an incline of his head" from the dialogue, and you didn't try to use a synonym of said either. Plus, the "I shrank away from his gaze" is a great snippet describing the action of the speaker.
Overall, I think this a good chapter. Keep working on the dialogue, and make the chapter longer!
Hello! It's time for some review'in!
Alright first off I would like to mention how well you drew me into the story; I found myself returning to your story to finish up what I have read and it was good enough to have me read till the end.
You have a consistent POV through Orabella and I am starting to like that character. Just looking at the fantasy landscape through her eyes has already got me hooked through the first half. You've got that part right! The opening was riveting, I loved how you described everything from the main character's eyes, allowing me to mirror in emotions her lost and confused state. But don't get me wrong, this lost and confused state made me want to read on like a mystery book!
Of course there are some parts which needs some adjustments because they don't sound too good, or they lack a certain flow that keeps breaking my attention span.
Let's go through it step by step:
"I woke up with a raging head ache pounding inside my skull."
-like I said, this beginning is good.
"It was almost perfectly circular and shone brilliantly against the stone that seemed to make up the walls."
-This part sounds a little jarring. You can rephrase it to be, "It was almost perfectly circular, shining brilliantly against the stone that made up the walls."
It is important you shorten things, because too much words at the wrong place can kill.
"I heard a creaking noise and footsteps."
-Change to: "I heard footsteps and a creaking noise." Sounds better when I read it out loud (and in my mind)
The conversation that followed was sweet and straight to the point. You could have fleshed out the character of the 'bearded' man in a more detailed manner by describing his actions, the main character's emotions towards him and the memories he evoked.
"I did, and surprisingly felt minimal pain."
-add a few more words: "And as I did, I was surprised at the minimal pain."
“I took the liberty of taking care of your injuries while you were asleep. There are fresh garments on chair over there.”
-'On THE chair over there.'
"I nodded and he left, closing the door behind him."
-'I nodded AS he left...'
"On the floor was a pair of study looking brown boots."
-'..a pair of STURDY looking...'
The entire segment I'm looking at is one mighty big paragraph. You are describing about the outfit, the main character and her continuing actions so break them up please. The one huge chuck just came right out of my screen and hit me in the face, so I paused in reading and went to relax before continuing your story there. This should be done in 3 separate paragraphs.
"I tentatively pushed it,and it opened it surprisingly easily."
-You can omit 'tentatively' and rephrase it to sound better: "I entered and to my surprise, it opened with such ease."
"I found myself in a very large chamber with a long table located in its center."
-'...with a long table AT its center.' Omit unnecessary words.
"I took a few hesitant steps before I saw that there were three figures seated at the table."
-once again omit additional words : "I saw three figures seated at the table."
"He smiled as if reading my thoughts and I quickly looked down."
-This part here was jarring. You might consider a slight change: "He smiled at me, as if he was reading my thoughts. I quickly evaded eye contact."
"Speechless, I just nodded."
-when you wrote speechless, it opens up a suggestion that the main character is feeling something. But I don't really know whether she is speechless from the shock of the situation, the awkwardness or just remaining silent out of respect for the others.
"I turned in time to see a girl rush up to the table."
-'...a girl rushing up to the table...'
"The girl looked at me seemingly for the first time, big eyes widening in wonder or excitement."
-This sounded weird as well. You can consider a restructure: 'The girl's eyes widened in wonder when she looked at me, as though she had never seen me before.'
Overall I think your work has some potential to it. I am looking through your first 2 parts to get a better idea of the whole story. You just need to tweak your sentences so that there can be a better flow and ease of reading. If it sounds weird by just reading aloud, you know it's going to sound jarring.
One thing I like is how you have made the character somewhat quirky and interesting
“It’s nice to meet you all.” I said sincerely. They were the first people I had met who didn’t seem to wish me harm in a long time.
-Ah a good end to the chapter, this is one of the reasons why I am looking through your first two parts of your story!
Thank you so much! Your input is really helpful. I am making the changes and maybe I will post a completely revised version at the end of the story