Published July 6, 2013
Orabella
I was awakened by the sound of heavy foot falls on the floor. I lifted my head from the cold stones, wincing as my neck screamed in protest. Memories from the night before rushed back into my head, and I almost started crying again. I felt someone stop in front of me, and soon rough hands hauled me to my feet. I whimpered as the myriad of bruises covering my body throbbed painfully. I looked up to find that Brutus, the master’s head troll, had a hold on my upper arm. His ugly face was impassive as he dragged me down a stone corridor, then another. I struggled to keep up with him, but I could feel myself getting more tired by the second.
“Where…” I started, my voice hoarse.
“None your business.” he rumbled. I resisted pointing out that considering the fact that he dragging me away against my will to some unknown fate was definitely was business, and turned my tired eyes to the walls, where somber portraits of past kings stared menacingly back at me. I noticed that they all had black eyes, black hair, just like Prince Lucas. I thought then that the crown prince of Ryassa was perhaps the most evil man I had ever known. Barely seventeen years old, he had ascended to power after both his parents died by accident while on a boar hunt with their beloved only child. He then proceeded to force all the nearby villages and small countries to submit to his complete authority, enslaving those who resisted. My father was the king of one of these countries, and consequently Prince Lucas’s wrath fell on me as a way of punishing my people. I was an example, a beacon announcing what the prince was capable of. And after six months of living in the same monstrous castle as him, I had a very clear image of what immoral, unscrupulous acts he could commit. My bruises were proof.
We came before a door which I had never seen before. I could hear a muffled roar, as if a large crowd was gathered just outside of it. The head troll wrenched the door open and shoved me forward. I fell and lay sprawled on the ground, my head thrumming with the loud, continuous chanting of a thousand people. I raised my head to find that I was lying on an elevated platform which resembled a balcony, except without rails surrounding it. I was again yanked up by my arm, but this time I found myself looking into the cold, black eyes of Prince Lucas. Before the death of his parents, he had been considered quite a prize for neighboring princesses. A potential ruler of one of the richest kingdoms, a smooth talker, and as many thought, a boy in possession of ‘dark and mysterious’ good looks. To all who really knew him, however, he was the spawn of all things wicked. Presently he smiled slowly and I struggled to pull away, wincing as his iron grip tightened on my arm.
“People of Ryassa. I present to you, her royal highness, princess Orabella!” He pronounced the word highness like an insult. I looked out at the people gathered underneath my feet. All of them cheering on their prince as he ridiculed his fellow human being. At that moment I was overwhelmed with disgust. How dare he! How dare he make these people, some of them my people (many of my people had surrendered to the prince when faced with the threat of losing their lands or families) turn against me? My father had helped them, supported them during droughts, sent in troops during wars. And yet they turned their backs in cold blood as their so called ‘ruler’ tortured me. I spit onto the ground before me in a weak act of spite. The Prince inhaled and his voice took on a murderous tone.
“Do you see? Do you watch as this impotent girl insults your prince?” He demanded, and I finally understood what he was about to do. I listened carefully as someone started shouting, “Kill her!” A mere minute later, most of the people said the same.
“KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER,” they chanted. The prince made a face, as if the thought had not crossed his mind.
“What is that you say? Kill her?”
“YES, KILL HER!”
The prince made a tutting noise and looked down pityingly at me.
“Well, my dear, it seems as if the people have spoken.” He whispered into my ear, and I shivered involuntarily. It took me a second to get used to the idea that I was about to die at the hands of this boy, playacting as a tyrant. “Any last words?”
I straightened slightly and looked him in the eyes, swallowing back my fear. “Yes.”
He laughed. “Well, go on, then.” He shoved me forward. I stumbled but regained my balance.
“As I am about to die at your hands,” I began, “I feel it necessary to explain to you exactly what you are doing. My country has been nothing but helpful to yours for centuries.” My voice got louder. “My people have treated you as brothers. And yet, you set out to destroy us, you forget your promises. By killing me, what do you hope to accomplish?” Two guards grabbed me as I continued. One of them tried to cover my mouth with his hand, but I writhed until I was free. “You think you are winning a battle over us. You think you are defeating us. Well, let me inform you of some earth-shattering news. You can torture me, as your prince already has. You can kill me if you want to. But you will never, ever, kill Aelfgar!” My voice had risen to a crescendo, and as the guards took out long, leather whips, I stood still, stretching to my full height, which unfortunately was not very much. So they would beat me to death? It was a death reserved for the criminals, prisoners of war, and those whom the king despised. A tear slipped down my cheek, but I quickly wiped it away. If I was to die, I would die as the proud Aelfgarian that I was.
I heard the shrill whistle of a whip and I soon felt an overwhelmingly painful sting through the thin fabric of my dirty dress. I would never see my family again.
Another whistle, and I gritted my teeth. My country, with its wooded forests and lush valleys, would be lost to me forever.
Another, and a small shriek escaped my lips. At least my kingdom was still free. At least my family was safe.
I was about to fall. I could feel my legs turning to mush as my head began to spin from the pain. But then I heard sound which caused me to look up. It was a methodic thumping accompanied by a whoosh. All of a sudden, the entire court went quiet as first a couple, then all the people turned to look above them. There was a moment of shocked silence before someone yelled out,
“Dragon!” Immediately, chaos broke out. My execution was forgotten as the people below me scattered like ants. The prince yelled out orders and was soon surrounded by his personal guard.
“What about the girl?” someone asked as I collapsed.
“Leave her out here, the dragon will take care of--” A sound like a strong gust of wind was heard and fire began to rain down from the sky like a holy, terrible, thunderbolt. The prince was ushered inside and the castle and the last of the people drained out from underneath me. I was left alone on a balcony with nowhere to go. I struggled weakly to my knees as fire rained down before me. I looked up to see a giant serpentine form circling the air above me. As terrified as I was, I could not help but admire it. It was the color of gold, its scales glinting like diamonds as it dealt out terror. There seemed to be a lump on its back, although I could not make out what it was. Suddenly, the fire stooped. The dragon circled closer and closer until it was flying just beyond the edge of the balcony. I yelped and scrambled backwards until my back was pressed against the heavy oak door through which I had been escorted not fifteen minutes ago. The dragon flew back and forth twice before I saw the lump spring from its back and land gracefully not twenty feet away from me. The loud thrum of the dragon’s wings beating drowned out any footsteps as the figure came closer. I pressed against the door, nearly scared out of my mind. The person, if that’s what it was, walked faster until it was before me. Kneeling, the figure spoke.
“I’m here to help.” I realized it was a boy, not much older than I. His voice was low and melodious, reminding me of warm honey.
“Get…get away!” I said weakly as he bent down. He was wearing a hooded cape which matched the dragon's golden scales, and as his face got closer I was able to discern two eyes as green as the grass which grew in the fields of my home. I pushed him away with all my strength as he made as if to pick me up. He didn’t even budge. “Don’t touch me!”
“Shh, it’s all right, princess Orabella.” I gasped at the mention of my name. In my momentary shock, he scooped me up and started to carry me to the dragon. I screamed and writhed in his arms. His hold tightened. “We won’t hurt you, I promise.” He soothed as I cast terrified glances at the flying serpent. Up close, it was even more beautiful, and scary. Its elegant head held high as it regarded me with intelligent dark eyes. Indeed, it didn’t look as if it were about to eat me, although I couldn’t be sure. When we were close enough, it tilted its head upwards and let out a very long stream of fire that cast rippling waves of heat in all directions. That is when I screamed. And then, I passed out.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
This is quite well written, rather engaging.
And I feel it deserves a more detailed review. Praise is always good, of course... But when it happens to me, I also wish someone would pick at it.
Take with salt; mind with care.
I'm going to really rip at your first paragraph, but I'll make interjections for the rest.
The general rules applied in my syntactical revisions are thus:
1. Remove Egregious Verbiage (Check link to see what that means - save me the carpal tunnel).
2. Change passive clauses to active clauses wherever possible.
3. Remove sentences/words to streamline the story.
Detailed dissection:
Footfalls is a word, so no need for space.
"On the floor" is unnecessary - I can surmise that footfalls come from the floor.
"From the" can be shortened to "off" - making the read faster, leading into the story, etc.
"Into my head" can be removed; the sentence follows without.
"again" does not make sense - the character has yet to cry in the story. You could be suggesting that the character has cried, entertaining the reader with hints as to what happened leading up to this point, but I don't think it really does much anyway.
"the myriad of bruises" - myriad is an adjective. You treat it as a noun - hence I revised to "myriad bruises" for clarity.
"covering my body" - I basically just moved this to help the action flow.
"His ugly face was impassive as he dragged me..." Both "was" and "as" can be removed as above, which helps to speed the read.
"down a corridor, then another." Replacing "a" with "one," as above, feels more colloquial and (in my opinion) flows better.
"I struggled to keep up with him" The bit "with him" is unnecessary. Again, streamlining.
"I could feel myself getting more tired by the second." Again, I try to streamline, following the basic rules I set up above. In this case, I am activating the clause, empowering the voice.
All-righty. Hopefully that will help to give some idea what revisions this work could use throughout; and, of course, if something doesn't jibe with you, ignore it.
I will be less thorough now, if you don't mind.
Bits and bobbles:
The period after "business" should be a comma.
Subject error. "was definitely my business" has no subject. I suggest the revision above.
Also, "was definitely was business"?
I don't really like the word "beacon". Reconsider diction.
I am a reader who values subtlety. As such, I would remove the above sentence entirely, thereby allowing the reader to make the logical jump (which feels kind of exciting, to be honest, no matter how obvious it is. That's why mystery/dramas always make suggestions to keep you guessing).
Oh, what an excellent word.
Make more active; clarify. I know I said I wouldn't pick like this, but the rest of the paragraph was so good! I couldn't help it.
(ASIDE: Watch your punctuation in this paragraph and next. There are places needing commas, and places where they are unnecessary.)
Put quotes ("") around "highness," to clarify the origin.
"At that moment" is a bit of a platitude, and I think you can streamline the storytelling by deleting it.
This aside is unnecessary. Again, keep in mind that the reader can typically appreciate some suggestion, some subtlety.
Tense disagreement. The rest of the paragraph is past tense.
I really do not think "impotent" is the word you want! I laughed a little. I think you mean insolent.
Put the adverb before the direction to bring it closer to the verb. "looked pityingly down at me." Grammar's a pain that way.
This passage is great.
This aside really detracts from the action - I understand that it is somewhat important, but delete it to streamline the story.
The paragraph I am reviewing right now is somewhat convoluted in places. Be careful with egregiousness, and revise to streamline, clarify, empower.
Excellent!
You have some brilliant, brilliant passages! Just revise the others, and this is a beautiful and incredible story. Even with how slowly I must read to review like this, I am really enjoying this.
This is an important passage. It is led into with an excellent, tight prose; then it is followed by a climactic event! But it does not shine as brightly, and is yet the most important piece. This is where the suspense builds, the excitement begins burning behind my eyes and I squint and crane my neck as I read faster and faster! Then... Well, it doesn't quite do that. I stumble in places. So revise! Keep in mind the things I have said elsewhere.
You should add a line break after "Dragon!" to emphasize the yell and its importance.
Again, I suggest breaking after the dialogue. It will emphasize the interruption too.
Couple of things I think you'll notice here...
Bit of a run-on...
Still an excellent, excellent word. Ooh, this is an instance of perfect diction!
Change to a comma at the end of that dialogue, as you describe it just afterwards.
"Shh," you say. "Stop reviewing and read."
This could be stronger. I won't make suggestions, as I would be taking license with something I feel should be left to you. But still.
I love this. It's excellent, and hopefully you will be glad I took the time to review for you like this. And hopefully you will actually revise; the piece deserves it!
I know this is exactly the kind of review I would have hoped for, had I written such a long, involved piece. Hopefully you'll feel the same! And, if not, I'm still satisfying my desire to do good things for myself by proxy of others.
Be forever hortatory,
~Skorlir
Oh my goodness!! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!
This is just what I need! I will certainly take what you said into consideration. Have a great day you magnificent person you!
Love it, love it, love it! Dragons are the single coolest things EVER and I was so happy to see one pop up in this story. Fantasy can be really hard to handle, especially with exposition, but you did it quite well. I really want to read more.
~Questio~
P.S. I know I'm just repeating what everyone else said in their comments, but that just means I felt strongly enough about the story to say those things again. Please get the next chapter out there soon!
P.P.S. Could you review some of my own fantasy stories in the future? You did awesome with this one, I feel like I could really use your advice.
Thank you for the positive comments!!! I will review your works, an hopefully have another chapter out there soon.
PEACE
Hey MelawenWillow,
I'm here to review your story:"The Aelfgar Wars", Anyway I really like the title of your story it is rather catchy and amusing.
Your writing style is perfect, You've got no spelling mistakes or any of those little mistakes, You described the place and your charachters very well.
Hope to see the next chapters soon.
Best Wishes.
This is phenomenal. I truly love this. I don't think I've really read much like this before.
I feel like the last sentence is a little out of place. Like maybe rephrase it? I feel like 'passed out' is out of context for the scenario.
Other than that, I really love where this is going. I look forward to another chapter of this!
Yes, I think I should change that. Thank you for pointing it out!!