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Young Writers Society



Gotham v. Joker, 1894 (Chapter Three) [Revised]

by MeherazulAzim16


Batman and Nightwing pull over by the dark, towering swing gates of Arkham Asylum. The Batmobile comes to a stop with a screech, wrestling against the muddy earth. The two masked vigilantes notice Commissioner Gordon as they dismount. He seems to have been waiting for them outside, arms crossed and body swaying like a buoy, transferring weight from foot to foot, and lost in thought. When he finally notices the duo, he runs up to them.

“This place has witnessed its fair share of rough events, but goddammit!” Gordon says. “And… wait, do I know you?” Gordon points at Nightwing.

“It’s me, Gordo,” Nightwing says.

“Robin?” Gordon laughs, heartily. “Good to know you’re not dead, kid. Maybe send me a postcard the next time you fall off the radar for… how long has it even been? Too long, I’ll tell you that much.”

Nightwing chuckles, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

“Anyway, as you can probably guess, I don’t have anything nice to welcome you with.”

“Tell us what happened.”

Gordon sighs. “I’m afraid Scarecrow is back.”

“That’s impossible!” Batman interjects.

“Yeah, about that.” Gordon pockets his hands. “You told us that Scarecrow was gone for good. That you took care of it, whatever that meant.”

Batman wants to say something but stops. He brushes past Gordon and marches through the asylum gates.

“You should, uh, probably go after him,” Gordon tells Nightwing. “He’s not gonna like what he’ll find.”

Nightwing turns around after crossing the gates. “You’re not coming?”

“No, I’m good. I’m going to stay here for a while.” Gordon looks upward at an anorexic and featherless tree branch drooping over the gates. It looks like it’s trying to escape. Gordon sighs. “I just needed some air after … Oh god...”

“Are you okay, Gordo?”

Gordon winces thinking about how he could’ve been at home right now, having a nice cup of tea and reading a book in his front porch or maybe having one of those debates with his daughter regarding GCPD’s approach to fighting crime, if only he hadn’t given in to the Mayor’s request to postpone his retirement. He’ll still be retiring by the end of the year but… in a city of clowns and scarecrows, he wonders if he’ll last that long.

“Yeah, no, I’m fine, kid,” he says, waving his hand. “I’m good.”

Nightwing nods, although unconvinced.

***

Batman walks into the scene and first thing he sees is an officer aggressively interrogating an asylum guard. The guard is shivering and coughing, and when he is trying to speak, he is failing to string up intelligible words together.

“Stop!” Batman intervenes and briefs the officer about the Fear Toxin’s effects. The gist of what he explains is this: victims of the toxin never remember what happened or what they did while affected, so it’s pointless to push them. He makes sure he is loud enough, so that all the officers at the scene who were debriefing the guards can listen. They back off in response, although reluctantly.

Batman waits but Nightwing is nowhere to be seen. Did he get lost? It wouldn’t surprise Batman. In the meanwhile, he can talk to some of the victims and learn more about the incident.

It seems that all the surviving guards are in the same state, traumatized and confused. The ones who can speak don’t recall anything, as expected. But, of course, the amnesia is never permanent. The images ones sees while intoxicated tend to return in fragments, either in dreams or in sudden psychotic episodes. No victim of the toxin has ever fully recovered from the trauma that follows. It’s much worse when the drug has forced them to perform acts that they can’t undo. Acts like bloody murder.

Nightwing finally runs up behind him, smiling with his teeth out. “Sorry! I got lost. Haven’t been here in ages, you know … Where is the crime scene?”

Batman shakes his head. “Come with me.” They walk for a minute until they reach Sector-I. It’s a specialized zone inside the facility, dedicated to the treatment of Arkham’s most delicate patients. The duo carefully step over small pieces of glass as they go inside. Nightwing points to them and says, “I’m guessing those are remnants of Scarecrow’s cartridges. The floor is dry, minus the blood, even though air still stinks.”

Batman points his index finger to ceiling. Starting from the guard’s room, the ceiling has a sticky layer that is yellow in color and spread out unequally to every corner, a little bit like the skin made up of fat and protein over a warm glass of milk, except ten times thinner.

“Of course,” Nightwing says, gaping upward. “The toxin becomes gaseous in room temperature. It also leaves a mark. Everything we have here fits Jonathan Crane’s profile.”

“Except one thing,” says Batman. “Why would he break Joker out? It doesn’t make any sense … And all the guards that were killed… Crane is a mad scientist, not a murderer. I don’t see how he could’ve done this.”

“On the contrary, Batman, the crime scene itself answers the ‘how’ part.”

Silence.

Nightwing puts his hand on Batman’s shoulder and lowers his voice. “Bruce, I know you wanted to help Crane but… this incident puts him beyond redemption, don’t you think? His place is in Blackgate or worse, not in a college lab.”

“No, you don’t understand. We had a deal. Crane has--” Batman catches himself noticing a group of uniformed men walk by. They must be here to carry away the body bags. Batman shakes his head, staring at his feet and the bloodstained floor beneath.

He chose to keep the identity of Scarecrow a secret. In reality, Scarecrow is more of a mindset than a person. It’d be an understatement to say it feeds off fear. No, it’s addicted to fear beyond measure. Batman, at the request of Crane himself, and with the confidential help of Dr. Quincy Sharp, who is now Arkham’s warden, buried Scarecrow at a subliminal level. The therapy took an obvious psychological and physical toll on Crane. But he was more than happy to pay the price. Batman allowed him to teach at Gotham University and continue his research at one condition. He had to desynthesize and destroy all samples of SCRO—or as it’s more commonly known, the fear toxin—which also meant discontinuing his lifelong pursuit of a cure for major neurodegenerative diseases. Batman now fears that Crane may not have held up his end.

Nightwing folds his arms and sighs before speaking: “You were saying?”

“I was saying Crane has everything to lose by breaking our deal.”

Nightwing’s eyes widen beyond the holes in his mask. “Please don’t say it, for the love of--“

“I have a feeling that Crane is being framed,” Batman begins. “No other guards but the ones stationed in Sector-I were intoxicated. Gatekeepers, doctors, or even some inmates should have remembered seeing Scarecrow on his way to Sector-I, yet that wasn’t the case. He entered the asylum like a ghost and vanished with the Joker, leaving behind a massacre and a calling card. It does not seem like something Scarecrow would do, or even be capable of doing."

“That’s your bias speaking. Aren’t you the very man who always preaches about how there’s a logical explanation to everything? Maybe Crane has invented some kind of invisibility potion. Who knows?”

Batman rolls his eyes. “Come on now--”

“You just can’t admit that you failed to help Crane,” Nightwing blurts and pauses, as if allowing for the hard truth to sink in. “Some things are just beyond fixing.

Before Batman can retaliate, his attention is shifted to a scream coming from outside the sector, which is followed by a clamor of people shouting indistinctly. The duo rush into the corridor to see what it is about.

The commissioner’s unconscious body is being carried away on a stretcher by quite a few nurses. An injured officer—he has a black eye and a bleeding nose—is sitting on the hallway floor with his head against a grey wall. He is being aided by a doctor.

Batman realizes that there are no other police officers in sight; they’ve all been dispatched.

“What’s going on?” Batman asks the injured policeman.

“The commissioner went off on me,” he says. “I mean, it’s an understandable reaction. I did come in bearing the most horrible news.” The officer sighs and takes a moment to collect himself. “The clown killed the commissioner’s daughter.”

Batman immediately feels his blood boil. His hands form fists and his eyes show him everything in red. In truth, the news is so heavy that his brain has only managed to fully process the first part so far. Batman thinks about Joker and how he could kill him right now. Damn the code. Damn the crusade. But then his brain gets to the latter part of the news and his whole body goes numb. The only thing he can feel right now— the only thing keeping him grounded in reality—are the warm tears dripping down his cheeks. He is confronted with another thing beyond fixation:

Barbara Gordon is dead.

Batman wonders what must be going through Nightwing’s head right now.

“I’m sorry,” Batman says, turning around, but he is gone. “Oh god, no…” It doesn’t take him a second to deduce where Nightwing is headed. There is no time for mourning. Batman runs as fast as he can, so fast that his cape rustles horizontally behind him. Exiting the facility, he sees that the Batmobile is gone too.


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Thu Aug 05, 2021 7:28 pm
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SalemReine wrote a review...



Good morning/afternoon/evening/night! I have come back to read more!!

First: I like that little part at the beginning where Richard sees Gordon again! It was nice, not overly sentimental but not a write-off either.

“You told us that Scarecrow was gone for good. That you took care of it, whatever that meant.”
Is Batman a killer in this one I wonder? It could be interesting to see that!

if only he hadn’t given in to the Mayor’s request to postpone his retirement. He’ll still be retiring by the end of the year but… in a city of clowns and scarecrows, he wonders if he’ll last that long.
Poor Gordon, he just wants a break from all these masked crazies! I liked how you put this in here, but it would have been nice to see a little bit more description of the characters.

“Stop!” Batman intervenes and briefs the officer about the Fear Toxin’s effects. The gist of what he explains is this: victims of the toxin never remember what happened or what they did while affected, so it’s pointless to push them. He makes sure he is loud enough, so that all the officers at the scene who were debriefing the guards can listen. They back off in response, although reluctantly.
Again with the tactful explanations! It doesn't feel as though you are forcing information, it fits naturally into the story.

Did he get lost? It wouldn’t surprise Batman./ Nightwing finally runs up behind him, smiling with his teeth out. “Sorry! I got lost. Haven’t been here in ages, you know … Where is the crime scene?”
I love how you added another little element of comedy, it really adds to the story!

It’s much worse when the drug has forced them to perform acts that they can’t undo. Acts like bloody murder.
Ah, so that's probably what happened to poor Scott. That will definitely haunt him for the rest of his life.

Nightwing’s eyes widen beyond the holes in his mask. “Please don’t say it, for the love of--“ /Batman rolls his eyes. “Come on now--”
I like how they are both arguing with each other and not really providing much logic for either, like old friends.

Barbara Gordon is dead.
WHAT?! Okay that is presumably going to alter the story a lot, considering Richard only came back to be with her... oh wow that was sad! Will Nightwing get his revenge??

Overall... an emotional chapter to say the least, but well done. I agree with those saying it could use some more description but the characters interact very well with each other. This took a turn and I am interested to see where it will lead!






thanks for the reviews!



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Mon Sep 07, 2020 2:55 am
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keystrings wrote a review...



Hello there! I read through the first chapter, and now I figured I would start reviewing with this second one. ^^

Starting this story at Arkham Asylum is an interesting choice, mostly because you’ve got a few ways to really describe this as a setting — possibly using the video games format, or maybe how different movies show it. I know both previous reviewers mentioned description from a brief scan, but there are a lot of possibilities here to try out.

I would recommend picking how you want the view to be, at least per chapter or per important scene — for example, the very first part had a mix of first Gordon and then Batman, which can work, but I think a little transition piece or some kind of “page-break indicator” would work well to distinguish between characters, unless you’re going to go for a true “omniscient” view, which I think could work, but there would need to be more clear distinction between views/character shifts. Part of what I think this chapter is lacking is cohesion, as this feels to me more of a movie story than a novel, with how much telling is going on, between Batman and Nightwing arriving at scene, interviewing the guards, the entire paragraph about Scarecrow, etc.

There are good moments sprinkled in here, though, and I think it comes from the witty lines between Nightwing and Gordon (definitely want to see some more of that although Gordon might not be too into it now that Barbara’s dead which no :c ) along with some of the Batman lore that I absolutely love keening about. I would definitely recommend trying to expand on some of these more emotional/descriptive sections to really establish these characters!

I think that’s all for now, but this was a fun chapter! And sad, but still fun.






Thanks for reading the chapters, and also the review!



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Sun Aug 16, 2020 10:17 pm
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deleted30 wrote a review...



Hello! I have returned to write yet another lengthy review—which happens to be my 300th review ever, Lawd help me. Anyway, let’s get into it.

First of all: Arkham Asylum! Yes, it’s confirmed! I sorta figured you were using that as the setting last chapter, but since it wasn’t specified or described, I defaulted to picturing a generic prison setting. But this makes more sense—I mean, Joker is to Arkham Asylum as peanut butter is to jelly. They just fit. And sure, Arkham’s played host to its share of colorful Batman villains over the years, but Joker still owns the joint, as far as I’m concerned. Stories involving or set in Arkham just feel incomplete without him. So, I’m happy we got that confirmation this chapter, though I’d still like to know more about your vision of Arkham—how it looks, how it feels, all that jazz. Certainly, by choosing Arkham Asylum, you have the benefit of using a familiar place that conjures (at least in the minds of Batman fans) specific imagery, but your version of Arkham is its own distinct iteration, and I want to see whatever you’re seeing. Plus, Arkham’s fun! Asylums in general have a lot of potential for kooky and offbeat imagery, and a Batman asylum offers even more opportunities. Let your imagination run wild. See where it takes you, how much you can bring your settings to life. I’d like to know exactly how dark and unsettling your take on the asylum is.

The beloved starlitmind already mentioned your description problems, and I also harangued you for them last chapter, so I won’t spend too much time on that. But I do want to say that I agree with starlitmind’s advice: describing not only the setting, but how your characters look, how they deliver their dialogue, et cetera, can add richness to your work, as well as allowing your reader to step into the story. I wanna be immersed.

Descriptions are definitely a weakness of yours, but I think you have a good handle on dialogue. I was happy that this chapter was more dialogue-heavy than the previous installment because I think it allowed you to play to your strengths more. Not only was there a snappy back-and-forth, there was also some nice character work—so, the dialogue was entertaining to read, and it allowed for exposition that established more about the characters and their relationship to one another. Each character’s dialogue also seemed distinct, like they truly had their own voice and manner of speaking that reflected their personality, and I really appreciated that because it’s a hard thing to get right and goes a long way in making your characters seem real.

Like last time, this chapter felt rushed, owing to the lack of descriptions and too much summarizing. In this chapter, a lot of key opportunities for subtle exposition and interaction were wasted, which is a shame because exposition through dialogue and character interaction are two of your stronger points. (I’ll bring up some areas you could’ve expanded on in a bit.) You’re also still telling a little too much and not showing enough, though we did get to see some genuine flashes of your characters’ feelings and personalities throughout, thanks in large part to the dialogue.

On a geeky fangirl note, I was happy to see a lot of characters either appeared in this chapter or were name-dropped. I’m curious if Harley Quinn (or perhaps Harleen Quinzel) will make an appearance at some point. I think she gets a bad rap because she’s been co-opted by a bunch of wannabe-edgy TikTok tweens who saw David Ayer’s Suicide Squad and decided to emulate her #aesthetic , but—speaking as someone who liked Harley Quinn long before that movie and the subsequent rise of the johnny-come-lately Harley fandom—I think she’s an interesting character, and her dynamic with Joker has always fascinated me. I feel like you could do something cool with her. But if that’s not your plan for the Joker of this story, feel free to ignore my ramblings. :P

Anyway, time for some specific comments.

Maybe send me a postcard the next time you fall off the radar

The language throughout this chapter felt very contemporary (like with Gordon saying “I’m good” a couple of times), and I don’t have a problem with that because I love period pieces that use modern dialogue (especially since archaic or vaguely-historical language can be kinda hard for the modern reader to parse). That said, I wasn’t sure how far you wanted to go with that, like if you’re cool with using anachronistic idioms as well. In the example I quoted, you use “fall off the radar,” a variant of “under the radar,” which originated after World War II. If you’re cool with using both contemporary language and modern turns of phrase, you can ignore this—but I figured I should point it out just in case.

Anyway, as you can probably guess I don’t have anything nice to welcome you with.

I’d stick a comma after “guess.”

Gordon looks up at the floral tree branches arching over the gates and a clear spring sky beyond them. A nice breeze blows by.

This description didn’t really work for me, and I believe it’s because you use simple adjectives close together (i.e., “a clear sky” and “a nice breeze”). I think you could describe this in a more creative way.

Gordon winces thinking about how he could’ve been at home right now, having a nice cup of tea and reading a book in his front porch or maybe having one of those debates with his daughter regarding GCPD’s approach to fighting crime, if only he hadn’t given in to the Mayor’s request to postpone his retirement.

I have to disagree with the previous review on one point: I actually like the italicized “request.” I think it conveys some bitterness and hostility from Gordon over having to stay at this job, which fits with what you’re saying here. My only note is that “in his front porch” should be “on his front porch.”

He’ll still be retiring by the end of the year but… in a city of clowns and scarecrows, he wonders if he’ll last that long.

I’m fine with the italicized “request,” but I don’t like the italics on “scarecrows.”

None of the surviving guards seem to remember what happened. It is a known effect of the fear toxin. But the amnesia is never permanent. The images ones sees while intoxicated tend to return in fragments, either in dreams or in sudden psychotic episodes. No victim of the toxin has ever fully recovered from the trauma that follows. It’s much worse when the drug forces them to perform acts that they can’t undo. Acts like bloody murder.
Batman briefs the police officers at the scene — who were rather aggressively debriefing the surviving guards — about the toxin’s effect. The officers reluctantly back off.

So, here’s an example of telling rather than showing, and a missed opportunity for some more character interaction and subtle exposition. Rather than dumping all this information in a narrator paragraph, why not depict Batman’s exchange with the officers? Maybe show us how they were “aggressively debriefing the surviving guards,” and then show us Batman stepping in and laying down the facts. Give us this info in a way that’s covert and entertaining to read, and let us see what Batman’s doing.

They must be here to carry away the body bags. Batman quietly groans.

I think the word “groan” has connotations that work against its usage here. When I think of someone groaning, I think of how a person would express displeasure over a trivial setback or chore—like how a kid would react to their parent telling them to take out the trash. So, Batman groaning in response to seeing men he believes are there to remove the bodies of recently-slain people… it doesn’t reflect super well on him? I feel like “Batman lets out a breath” or “Batman quickly looks away” might be more fitting.

The therapy took an obvious psychological and also a physical toll on Crane.

Try, “The therapy took an obvious psychological and physical toll on Crane.”

continue his researches

Just “research” is fine.

Batman now fears that Crane may not have held up his end.

Show don’t tell.

“I have a feeling that Crane is being framed.”
And Batman may be justified in suspecting that. No other guards but the ones stationed in Sector-I — where the most dangerously insane inmates, including Joker, are kept — were intoxicated.

Instead of telling us this in narration, why not just have Batman say it? Like: “I have a feeling that Crane is being framed. Think about it. Don’t you find it suspicious that none of the other guards were intoxicated? Only the ones stationed in Sector-I, where Joker and all the most dangerously insane inmates are kept.” Or, you know, something along those lines.

Nightwing does not share Batman’s skepticism.

This sentiment is made clear by the dialogue that immediately follows it, so you can delete this sentence.

You just can’t admit that you failed to fix him. Some things are beyond fixation, Batman.

The word “fixation” does have multiple meanings, but it’s mostly used as a synonym (more or less) for “obsession.” Therefore, if Nightwing’s saying Batman can’t fix everything, “fixation” may not be the word you want. Then again, you might’ve chosen it deliberately as a double entendre, which would mean that Nightwing’s actually saying some things are beyond fixing AND some things aren’t worth obsessing over. If that was your intention, I like it! But I think it might confuse your readers, so you may still want to consider changing it. (“Some things are beyond repair” or “some things can’t be fixed” could work instead.)

coming from outside the sector. The two of them stride outside.

“Outside” is repetitive.

The commissioner’s unconscious body is being carried away in a stretcher by a quite a few nurses.

Should be “on a stretcher,” and strike the article before “quite.”

An injured officer — he has a black eye and a bleeding nose — is sitting in the hallway floor and being aided by a doctor.

Should be “on the hallway floor.”

“What’s going on?” Batman approaches the injured officer and says.

I think this would sound smoother if it was changed to: “’What’s going on?’ Batman asks as he approaches the injured officer.”

Batman immediately finds himself filled with fury. His hands form fists and he sees red.

You don’t really need that first sentence since you show us his fury with the description that immediately follows. But I like where you’re going with the first line and I don’t want you to get rid of it entirely because I think you should linger a little longer on Batman’s fury. The way it’s currently written, his whole emotional response is kinda skimmed over. Maybe you could do something like: “Fury burns through Batman’s body, making his skin grow hot, his vision turn red. His hands form fists as if ready to strike.” Just something a little more detailed and vivid, and a little bit longer. Even though his fury turns to resigned sadness quickly (which is a fine decision for the character and not something I object to), you can still take your time to describe how that flash of fury looked and felt.

But the next moment, his whole body goes numb and warm tears drips down his cheeks as he’s confronted with another thing beyond fixation…

There’s that F-word again! :P My criticism from before still applies.
Also, I’m not loving this sentence. I think it’s the “warm tears drip down his cheeks” that’s bumming me out. It’s just a little… cheesy, I guess? Purple-prose-y?

Batman wonders what must be going through Nightwing’s head right now…

Even though you’re writing in third person, you can still show us your characters’ thoughts. Rather than telling us Batman is wondering this, you could do something like: “What must Nightwing be thinking? Batman wonders.”

It takes Batman less than a second to deduce where Nightwing is heading to.

Nobody really cares about the much-reviled “don’t end a sentence with a preposition” rule, but I think that if you can avoid using a preposition to end a sentence (without the sentence sounding worse or unnatural), you should. This sentence I’ve quoted is a good example. “It takes Batman less than a second to deduce where Nightwing is headed” works just as well and avoids the preposition.

All that being said, I think this was an intriguing chapter—which, again, had a strong ending that made me curious to keep reading. You definitely need to work on your imagery and pacing, and not skim over so many scenes, and you’ve gotta show more and tell less, but I liked the dialogue and character work, and it appears that you’re setting up a compelling story. I’m interested to see where it goes next.

Nice work. :)






Thank you and congratulations on getting to 300 reviews! :D It's almost inspiring how detailed your reviews always are

I%u2019m curious if Harley Quinn (or perhaps Harleen Quinzel) will make an appearance at some point.


Harleen Quinzel does exist in this universe. I'll confirm that much :p On that note, I thought it was absolutely mind-blowing how the recent DC Universe show interpreted the character


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deleted30 says...


Harleen Quinzel does exist in this universe. I'll confirm that much

Awesome! I am excited to hear that. :D

I thought it was absolutely mind-blowing how the recent DC Universe show interpreted the character

Oh really? In a good or bad way? I actually have not seen it yet. I like the art style but I was a little put off by some of the commercials I saw for it.





In a good way! In terms of comedy, it's one of the best shows I've watched recently. It's really self-aware, maybe even a bit too much. The villains and the supporting characters are the best part about the show though!


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deleted30 says...


Ah, that sounds really cool! I sorta doubted if it was my type of show, but that sounds like something I would love. I am definitely going to check it out now. Thanks!





You're welcome! Hope you enjoy it!



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Mon Aug 10, 2020 2:36 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! I decided to check out the next chapter :D

This was another good chapter! You definitely have an established plot that keeps the reader engaged throughout. Your grammar is pretty great again, as well as your tense. I enjoyed reading it! I'm just going to point out some of my thoughts as I'm reading if you don't mind.

Within an hour of the carnage, Batman and Nightwing pull over by the gates of Arkham Asylum in their infamously fast and unusually low-heighted automobile.


I feel like we could get more description of the asylum. Right now, I'm having a bit of a hard time actually visualizing where we are right now. Setting can contribute a lot to the mood, so if this asylum looks creepy and dark and such, it'll give off that kind of atmosphere. The same goes for inside of the asylum too.

Commissioner Gordon seems to have been waiting for them outside.


I feel that you could also describe the characters' appearances more as well. I don't know what any of the characters look like right now or what they are wearing. Like for example, in this area you could say something like "Commissioner Gordon seems to have been waiting for them outside, his tie crooked and chestnut hair disheveled" (or whatever, that was just off the top of my head).

Batman wants to say something but can’t. Without a word, he proceeds towards the asylum.


This would also be a cool spot for some description. Why can't he say something? Were his words tangled, stolen by the wind, refused to come out, etc.?

Batman then proceeds to join Nightwing in the guards’ room, carefully stepping over small pieces of glass on the way.


Like here, you could describe the perhaps drab guard room.

if only he hadn’t given in to the Mayor’s request to postpone his retirement.


You italicize a lot of words in your writing, which is completely fine, but if you do it a bunch, it kind of loses its emphasis. I don't think there's really a need to italicize "request." To me, it doesn't add any needed emphasis or effect. But if you want to keep it, that's totally fine!

"Gatekeepers, doctors, or even some inmates should have remembered seeing Scarecrow on his way to Sector-I, yet that isn’t the case. He entered the asylum like a ghost and vanished with the Joker, leaving behind a massacre and a calling card. It does not seem like something Scarecrow would do, or even be capable of doing.


I believe you're missing your end quotation here.

Before Batman can retaliate, their attention is shifted to a great racket coming from outside the sector. The two of them stride outside.


What kind of a racket?

The commissioner’s unconscious body is being carried away in a stretcher by a quite a few nurses.


I don't think you meant to have the "a" between "by" and "quite."

I like your ending! Again, it will call the reader back for more.

Overall, I think you have another great chapter! I think after adding more descriptions and details, this will be even better. I hope this helped! :D






Thanks for the review! :D




pain is that feeling when you are feeling hurt, but it never goes away leaving me hurt. oh it hurts.
— Dragonthorn