z

Young Writers Society


12+

Bertha's star

by Mehak.m, Mehak.m


chapter 1-introduction

Bertha was back from school with her disgusting uniform. She was always so tired and sweaty that her mom did not allow her even to rest for a while. She always wanted to take a shower as the minute she stepped inside her house.Its a good thing but poor Bertha only knew that she did not have the energy to at least take a shower.Well if you want to know what is the reason for this huge tiredness,its her character.She was not a popular girl at school and she did not want to be one.She was always trying to be invisible and did not want to make friends.She was a huge joke for all others and everyone was so engaged in ragging her.Well everybody would cause she was an excellent nerd.Always just sitting alone with her books even during recess.Would any girl at her age be like that?Yes that was right she was different,so special and there was something inside like a rare stone...she was something else.Everyone at her age even not a popular girl would be always carving for beauty,makeup,boyfriends,cute outfits,hair and other girly stuffs.Their rooms would be so pinkish that no one could take a look at it.Well,her room was like a mysterious dark cave.A dark room fullĀ  of books ,telescopes,and the ceiling of her room covered with a shining galaxy sticker.Most of her clothes had stars in it and even her backpack and lunch box had it while the others were obsessed with unicorns.Her walls was painted in gray and one corner in black.In that corner there was a lot of sticky notes,pictures and some things written on a piece of paper.Looks like she was going on with some researches.The corner of ceiling had a little door made of glass and on the floor was a big white fluffy mat and top of it a large telescope pointing towards the glass door.It was a quite charming environment for a little researcher like her. Talking of her room, after she had taken the shower and changed to comfy clothes something unusual happened to her room.Someone had teared all her researches and her clothes was taken out and was hanging every flat and corners of her room."Who would have done it?"she thought .Suddenly she knew who it was...


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6 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 6

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 3:47 pm
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CarolineL wrote a review...



Hello, pal!

Word 10/Space, "uniform._She"

Word 29/Misspelling, "A_while."

Word 24/ Wrong tense, "Her mom did not ALLOW her."

Word 249/ Unclear word, "scrambled"

Words 1-409/ Clumping

Word 401/Capitalization,"Who would have done it?"

Word 357/Space, "her._Talking of her room."

OPINION-
I really liked this, but we were left a hanging point, which I don't mind. I found this hard to read as I added before. Space through and maybe consider a Grammarly proofreader.

SUGGESTIONS-

I suggest to read over the final product. It's pleasant for readers and editors.



Random avatar
Mehak.m says...


Oops sorry.iam really week at grammar but really love to write.i would try harder next time.scrambeld..what is the mistake..well anyway sorry.


Random avatar
Mehak.m says...


Well can you also say the solutions for these



CarolineL says...


Sorry. This was my first review, so I am testing the waters.


Random avatar
Mehak.m says...


OH


Random avatar
Mehak.m says...


OH



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1487 Reviews


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Reviews: 1487

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Mon Apr 27, 2020 1:03 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Mehak,

Welcome to YWS, it's great that you're posting here already! :)

I think the first thing you want to focus on here is format. Have you ever read a book where everything is in one big paragraph? Exactly. You want to try and spread it out a little, make it both grammatically correct and easier for your reader to understand. For instance, you could immediately start a new paragraph after 'to take a shower'. Paragraphs also help to break up your work, and make the pacing better. With one big paragraph, we tend to read a little too quickly!

Next, have a think about your narrative voice. You have some examples in here where it's unclear as if you are writing in the third or second person. For example, in the sentence

She always wanted to take a shower as the minute she stepped inside your house
.
The 'your house' indicates you are writing in the second person (talking directly to the reader as though they are there) but you don't do this at all later in the chapter. Just watch out for that, because it can be tricky to master!

There are some grammar issues in here too, but nothing that would take too long to fix. Have a go at spacing it out a little more, and read through it a couple of times yourself. If you feel like editing and reposting, feel free to drop me a message as I'd be happy to take another look for you :)

Icy



Random avatar
Mehak.m says...


Oh sorry.but I didn't meant to write that "your"I don't know how it came there.maybe i have done some spelling mistakes and it would have become your.well I'll fix all of these.thanks for reading.




She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus