MeghanElizabeth wrote:
Whose eyes can see the angels
Dancing on the candle wick?
Smoke like translucent velvet
Carries them away.
Watch them float under starlight,
Spread their iridescent wings.
Look! Those colors in the air --
God's breath on the sky.
Reflecting on the water
Like fire in the Heavens,
The angels' candle flickers.
Halo in the dark.
Okay, for a first poem, this is good. I liked it. However, it does need some improvement. First off, I don't think the first stanza really works with the rest of the poem. And, maybe I'm just over (or under) thinking it, but it seems like you change what you are saying. By this I mean, in the first stanza, you say that the angels are dancing ON the candle wick, and in the last stanza you say it is the angels' candle. Of course, I know this is all metaphorical, but somehow these two stanzas seem to contradict each other, so fix that. If what I just said makes no sense to you, I'm sorry. I tried to explain as best I could. Also, in the last stanza, I think the second to last line should end with a semicolon, not a period, because the last line isn't a complete sentence. Also, in the second stanza, I personally don't like the use of an exclamation point, but it's not absolutely necessary to remove it. Overall, I think you did very well. The use of metaphor and imagery is great, and I think this poem has potential! Good luck in the contest!
Points: 890
Reviews: 52
Donate