Published June 9, 2009
AN: This is my first poem, so CRITIQUE! Seriously, let it all out. As a beginner I need more help than usual!
Whose eyes can see the angels
Dancing on the candle wick?
Smoke like translucent velvet
Carries them away.
Watch them float under starlight,
Spread their iridescent wings.
Look! Those colors in the air --
God's breath on the sky.
Reflecting on the water
Like fire in the Heavens,
The angels' candle flickers.
Halo in the dark.
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Okay, for a first poem, this is good. I liked it. However, it does need some improvement. First off, I don't think the first stanza really works with the rest of the poem. And, maybe I'm just over (or under) thinking it, but it seems like you change what you are saying. By this I mean, in the first stanza, you say that the angels are dancing ON the candle wick, and in the last stanza you say it is the angels' candle. Of course, I know this is all metaphorical, but somehow these two stanzas seem to contradict each other, so fix that. If what I just said makes no sense to you, I'm sorry. I tried to explain as best I could. Also, in the last stanza, I think the second to last line should end with a semicolon, not a period, because the last line isn't a complete sentence. Also, in the second stanza, I personally don't like the use of an exclamation point, but it's not absolutely necessary to remove it. Overall, I think you did very well. The use of metaphor and imagery is great, and I think this poem has potential! Good luck in the contest!
Hmm I am a new writer myself so I will do my best to critic this.
[Whose eyes can see the angels
Dancing on the candle wick?
Smoke like translucent velvet
Carries them away.]
Ok for the first part I love the fist two lines, but the other two really don't fit here in my mind. Maybe it's just me.
[Watch them float under starlight,
Spread their iridescent wings.
Look! Those colors in the air --
God's breath on the sky.]
On this I like the three lines, but I don't know if the last one fits. I do like it, but I don't know I guess it is me still.
[Reflecting on the water
Like fire in the Heavens,
The angels' candle flickers.
Halo in the dark.]
Now this I don't like the closing line. I don't think it really fits into the whole thing I know angles and halos are just one and the same but still.
Most people probably wont agree with me, but I mean whatever.
Other than that I like this.
Keep writing
-Flower-