Published December 19, 2010
Deleted...
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,625 Literary Works • 672,635 Reviews
Hey guys, I'm just letting you know, I've switched this story over to a novel and its in the Action/Adventure novels. Pt 2 is up, please review! Thanks!
<3 Megan
PS. Merry Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanza and all that!
Thanks for the reviews, guys. Helps a lot.
I edited a few parts of it, deleting some things and added more to certain paragraphs.
<3 Megan
Hey there! It's AllyGrLxOx here fore a review!
Anything I say is said with the upmost intent of bettering your writing and this story!
I'll start with saying that the concept of this short story was very interesting but the ending was predictable. I'd suggest spicing up the title some?
Your flow also seemed, well sort of off to me, so in some areas I'm going to be a tad nitpicky!
I'd suggest rewording the first sentence to somehthing like: It was a sunny day in St. Petersburg Flordia. A thursday to be exact and most kids were in school that day. Except one, a boy of average height with mesy dark brown hair and sparkling blue eyes. This boy was in the process of exiting his high school building through the front doors.
Your descriptions were also weak, let's try an add some more to your characters and their sorroundings! xD
I'd go into more description here to describe Nora, and be sure to add more emotion to Nathaniel's derrogatory feelings toward her. Also "It was so annoying," in my opinion does not flow well there at all. I think it makes your work seem less mature than it actually is and it's a statement that would work more with first person POV.
I'd expand on that paragraph and add some more vivid feelings regarding Nathniel's father, since when he get's home it's ovbious that he clearly detests his father. Therefore this paragraph might be a good place to add some build up to Nathaniel's blow-up when he goes home.
Well there are some other places that I'd suggest working on the flow but I won't bother to point them out!
Overall this piece was very good!
It certainly has plenty of potential for a great short story, and your character develoment of Nathaniel was great!
Any questions?
Feel freem to PM me!
Nicely done. I loved how you gave us a sense of who he was in the beginning. Some writer can be a bit repetitious when it comes to explaining the character. But you gave me a clear imagin of who Nathan is and what he's like. I can't wait for the next chapter.