He arrived four seconds too late, just in time to glimpse a desperate hand pulling the blast doors shut.
"Please!" he cried, pounding furiously on the metal. "Let me in! There's still time!"
The barrier remained unyielding, and the boy sank to the ground. "There was still time," he whispered fiercely. He closed his eyes.
A windswept girl stood watching him, leaning calmly against the bunker. She rummaged around in her coat, pulling out a lighter and a pack of cigarettes.
"Smoke?" she asked, offering one to the boy. He looked at her strangely for a second, then shook his head, mumbling something about lung cancer.
"Very smart," the girl replied. "Healthy choices and all that." She lit a cigarette for herself and took a long, contented breath. "Still, it doesn't matter much now."
The boy turned his head away, and his shoulders began to tremble. The girl's face softened. "Hey, I'm sorry," she said, placing a hand on his back. "Cheer up. It's better to die with a smile, right?"
There was a long pause, distant air-raid sirens filling the stillness. "I didn't want it to be like this," the boy said at last. "Stuck out in the open, you know. Just...waiting."
"To tell you the truth, I'd rather be here." The girl fiddled with her lighter a moment before slipping it back into her pocket. "Think about it. Inside, it's dark and cramped. No sunshine, no wind, no food except what comes vacuum-sealed or in a can. But outside..." she trailed off, making a sweeping gesture towards the sky.
Evening was beginning to fall, and the clouds were amber-tinted in the light of the dying afternoon. To the east, a scattering of faint stars had appeared.
The boy's breath caught in his throat. He turned to look at the girl next to him, her hair still sunny beneath streaks of ash. He didn't even know her name.
The girl took one final puff on her cigarette before tossing it to the ground. "The planes are almost here," she remarked, listening to the approaching hum of engines.
"You're not afraid?" the boy asked suddenly.
"Of death? I used to be." She sat down beside him. "I wondered if I would die slowly of some creeping sickness, or perhaps alone, regretful at the end of a long life. But this is better. It's comforting, somehow."
The boy gave her a grateful smile, and she took hold of his hand.
"Tonight, we'll go out in fireworks."
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
I was a little confused in the beginning how it was too late and how the doors closed. Were did the girl come from anyway? Do they know each other or did they just meet? Maybe you could make the story a little longer and have more details. Overall a really great story.I hope this doesn't sound harsh or a fend you in anyway.
-Teriesa
Keep writing
Hi, Teriesa. Cool name, by the way).
The story was (to me, at least, but readers are free to interpret)
about how a girl and a boy are stuck outside of a bomb shelter during an attack on the city. They are strangers, spending what are likely their final moments together.
I hope this cleared things up. Thank you for taking the time to read my story!
thanks for clearing it up
Hey there Meerkat. Lizzy here to review, as requested. So without further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Grammar and Spelling
-The first reason I liked your story, is because there were no grammar or spelling mistakes. Nothing that I could find at least, nothing to slow down the plot or confuse the reader. Alright, onto content and length.
Length
-When I first saw how many paragraphs there were, I wondered, how will this story be able to draw me in. This time, word count does not apply to the content and I do prefer when people write shorter, but detailed story. That's all I have for this category.
Content
-On to my favorite part of the reviewing process. I analyze the plot and then end with a bit of praise for the story.
-One thing I must ask before this review gets serious, will you write a sequel or make this into a novel? You already have a great base for the story if you want to do more with it.
-I think someone already mentioned it, but your descriptions are pretty good.
-There are no plot holes, confusing points, or backstories. Just two people awaiting a fate known to them but not to the reader. It was a very short read and it got me thinking about what would happen next. There are hundreds of scenarios and I hope I figure which one is right.
-The one thing I really liked is that the characters are never named. It is just a boy and girl, standing there talking. I think I might see a hint of another genre but it is probably nothing.
Alright, that is all I have for this review. Thanks for picking my forum.
-lizzy
Hi, Lizzy. Thanks for the review. I probably won't be making this into a novel or writing a sequel for it, as these characters' stories have pretty much drawn to a close. Anyway, I appreciate your input. Thank you for your time, and have a great day!
Hi!
My name is Rachel, but most people call me Mad
This was amazing! It is rare that I see what I like to call perfect work on YWS. I've only ever seen it once and it was just like this- a amazing short story!
#8000BF ">Plot, Pace and Point of View
The plot is amazing. I'm not confused at all.
The pace was perfect. It flows at just a fast enough pace. The way you wrote this is like water it flows smoothly and is just refreshing to read.
The point of view is my favorite kind which makes me very happy. It also fits the story and your writing style perfectly. By the way, I love your writing style!
#8000BF ">Characters and Dialogue
Girl- She was awesome. I love how deep and thoughtful she was. I love the cigarette thing even though in real life I don't like cigarettes. I love her hair and I imagine her to be a camo jacket kind of girl or maybe leather...
Boy- I loved him. I loved how it was the boy who was scared and showing weakness not the girl. If it was the other way around I don't think I would have enjoyed this as much as I do.
The dialogue was very realistic and natural.
#8000BF ">Grammar
I didn't have any corrects to make.
#8000BF ">Advice and Suggestions
Keep writing you are going to get far in life with this talent and skill.
Thank you so much for the review and the encouragement. I really appreciate it!
*mindblown*
HOLY HELL HOLE MOLE POLE... ZOLE, THE ENDING WAS EPIC!
I'm sorry this isn't a review because I don't think I'll be able to give you a constructive criticism. I have no bad thing to point out. Which is nice.
Really. Liked. This. One. Especially the last sentence. It just says something about the girl and how she's sort of this free-spirited person with no more barriers whatsoever and ah. Ah. I have to mention that I'm very fond of girls and cigarettes. It makes me think of non-sugarcoated ideas of girls. YAY TO CIGARS.
Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Hello, InfiniteRectangles here with your review!
Wow! This was astounding! Your use of imagery is great, especially about the sunset. You really make your readers feel a connection to the story, which is important for any piece of good writing. I was enticed the whole way through. You're making it hard for me to find any criticism because it was so well written! :p So I will just settle for telling you what I absolutely loved and hope to see more of in your writing.
Your story has a feeling of completion that is hard to accomplish in stories, especially ones as short as this. You managed to speak volumes with few words and the story neither dragged nor felt rushed at any point. You described your characters and their personalities so beautifully and by the end, I was sad to see them go. You made your characters come alive, they didn't feel flat or fake. They felt like real people that I could connect with. That is one of the most important things you can accomplish in writing. Making your characters real enough so the readers can connect with them.
I also love how your ending was bittersweet. It was sad, but not depressing. And it had a sort of inspirational feel to it as well. I love how you contrasted the two characters. One was timid and panicky and the other was calm and collected, but neither character felt overbearing. I've read many stories where one character just completely overwhelmed the others, but your characters were well balanced.
That is all I have for you. You are a brilliant writer and I am looking forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night! ^-^
Aw, thanks! You're too kind. I appreciate the review!
Verily striking work . This also includes suspence as per my opinion . Such a wonderful description . It is also written with high precision . And not at a single point it is felt that the story is being dragged for no good reason . This is what has complimented in making it enticing for the readers . It contains a good vocabulary too . I am driven away by this towards reading more of dramatic pieces . LOVED IT !
Thanks so much!
A fantastic story. Not only is it well written, but it manages to convey several different shades of emotion in such a short time. I've read a lot of poor tableaus that it's refreshing to find one so succinct and yet so concentrated. In but a few words each, you get a vision of both characters as well as the situation.
In terms of setting- I love the ambiguity. It could take place anywhere, at any time. It makes the entire thing so much more resonant.
Wow, thank you!