Young Writers Society

Hello!
You asked for a review on this way back in Feburary, so here I am finally!

So I think this poem works well with the rhyme. Your rhymes were not very forced at all, and you used rhythm to help it all mesh together. Good job.

The rhythm was a little strange though. I found the 10/13/10/13 syllables to be a little off-putting, in that I couldn't read it very well and have it sound natural, but I don't know what to suggest to change it.
Also, the stressed syllables on the lines:
"I am not her first and neither shall I be her last."
and
"vows and matrimonial desires count but four."
seem a little off. Moreso on the first one I quoted.

The second one I quoted seems a little strange in the content department. Are the four referring to the four things at the end? Also, I can't speak french so I'm not sure what those words or the title mean (I mean, I could look them up, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what they mean, based on cognates and the knowledge that mort has to do with death I think).

Is there supposed to be a space in the first two words, or is it really supposed to be "Madame"?

I like the story you told and the pace you told it at and the images you used. All around, it was a pretty effective piece!

This is all I had to say. I hope it was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions, and keep writing!
~fortis

Hi,
French fascinated me. Nonetheless, I don't enter French Class in my school even the door is opened wide for me.

I agree with Audy that emotions are not being told, but more of being shown to the readers; I'll not be repeating what Audy'd said. Your poem consisted of four stanzas, and you know what, this poem can be expanded into a novel. See how much opportunities hold within each lines and words. However, you must always remember, poetry is not to be vague and not to be blunt; Poetry is Accurate. It means that there isn't any other way to express what you felt except with what you wrote. What you written is final (although it could be revised more than thousands time) and no one could copy that. That is one of the thing I defined for Poetry.

Let's go for the meat.

Ma dame, my lady waits for me below,
patiently preparing to receive her noble love.
Her slender frame, so beautiful and tall,
falls, bestowing fierce and fervent kisses from above.

Misuse has turned her tender mercies cruel;
heartlessness and passion bring her suitors to disgrace.
Yet I, alone and tortured, dare to dream,
longing for the moment I am locked in her embrace.

The time has come—I feel myself compelled,
led up to the altar by a force that holds me fast.
I gaze, transfixed on my unfaithful bride;
I am not her first and neither shall I be her last.

Our union is a strange and hurried one;
vows and matrimonial desires count but four.
I hear their echo just before the end:
liberté, egalité, fraternité,
ou mort.

Meerkat,

I get the sense that the end of the poem implies a death or an abrupt end to the speaker, no? I like the sudden turn and implications for the political, and I kind of wish we had more of that in the poem rather than yet another man being unfaithful yet transfixed by a dangerous beauty.

We don't really get further or deeper than that in the first three stanzas, and rather, they each say the same thing just in prettier words. I understand that it leads to a twist at the end, and the crafting building up to the ending was nicely done in terms of rhythm and spacing. You have an eye for craft! I just think there's not enough here that personalizes it or paints an emotional moment to latch on to, so there's not much weight. The impact wasn't enough to get me reading it a second time.

I think your rhyme is subtle enough and well balanced. It is evident that there was a lot of attention to the flow and voice of it. I wonder, why the subject matter though? It's not that the subject shouldn't be written about. Great writers could write about toothbrushes and elicit some excitement! I think it's more like the poem is written with a lot of distance.

Granted, there are a lot of emotion-words here: disgrace, tortured, mercies, cruel, misuse, etc. but there's not a whole lot of emotion. Just like we can evoke an emotion without even saying the emotion, we can have a lack of emotion despite all the emotion-words we throw out. Emotion is something built brick by brick, through scenes, through feeling. It is not told.

Don't tell us "heartlessness and passion" show us the blood and cold bodies on the rumpled sheets! Don't tell us that these men were unfaithful. Show us the scraggly beard the man uses to tickle his daughter's cheek! How this same man's face had gone rigid and pale, and the wedding ring purpled his fingers.

Hopes this helps. Let me know if you need to chat this one up.

~ as always, Audy

Hi there
This is an amazing poem.
The poem of a poor soul blinded by the beauty of his unfaithful yet exceedingly pretty wife.
Though her history with men is no secret, the one to be wed cannot bring himself to regret.
The story where passion is given prominance over moral ideals.
In time the bride might discard her current suitor yet that doesn't derail him.
The vows are rendered meaningless because of the knowledge that it will not last till death parts them.
Beautifully written.
Keep writing.
All the best.

This is a very interesting poem. The title is interesting in itself and I was not expecting this. I'm guessing you were using latin which I very much liked even if I did not understand. (I suggest adding a translation somewhere, probably at the end). But a poem about a man in love with a cruel, unfaithful woman. It's very sad and yet, probably a very relatable topic no matter how long ago this is taking place. Poems are meant to be short and in a way mysterious, you don't get the straight story, it's more like a flash fiction story to me and you do this beautifully. Good job and I hope to read more poetry . Goodluck.