he is smooth
he is new money green light scandalous
he is exquisite like a cigarette
______he burns like a cigerette
______he burns for her
she says, "Jay, let me light your cigarette"
______she wears her tea dress
______but tonight she will wear pearls
he says, "Daisy, you can drive my car,"
she says, "baby, I love you."
---
This is actually meant to be read aloud, hence the italics. If I can, I'll try and record myself reading it. I think it's better that way, but you'll just have to use your imagination.
Inspirations include The Great Gatsby, The Picture of Dorian Grey and The Beatles.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
You know, I really enjoyed that. And you're right, it sounds better when you read it out loud. I did -my mom looked at me like I was crazy- and it sounded, well, exquisite
I can't think of anything that should be changed, but wether that's because I am super-tired or I suck at reviewing poetry I can't tell. Probably both
Anyways, Great job!
I hate to necro a dead thread, but I wanted to say thank you (and that I'm sorry I just got around to responding to this)!
I'm glad you guys liked it, and I love what BFG said about the voice reading it being Nick's when she read it. I hadn't even thought of that, but it's amazing!
I'm really glad you all liked it.
Is anyone going to take a stab at the Oscar Wilde reference? (It's slightly less obvious, but it's in there.)
Heck yes! I got Gatsby from "Daisy" right off, and now that I look again I see The Beatles reference as well.
And Darn.
It works.
I hate when I have nothing remotely helpful to say. And yes, I think it does make sense, but having read Gatsby helps, I think. (and slam poetry to fun!)
I like it, and I could definitely imagine a voice reading it. Imagining a voice reading it led me to get a better sense of the words, the way they fell, and who was reading it. I could imagine this really suave, clarinet-like voice in the beginning, lilting the notes... it gave me a great sense of the people in the poem, and of the movement of the poem itself. I absolutely love the structure, complete with italics for stressed phrases. I was trying to figure out what it was reminding me of at the beginning, and then when I read "Daisy" in there Gatsby clicked. Then that gave me a name for the voice reading the poem in my head (it became Nick) and everything connected... oh, I really loved this. It was so smooth. And the last lines, with bringing the beatles' song but fitting it into the Gatsby story, made me shiver. Great job.
I like this, a lot.
It was written as slam poetry, so it doesn't go down "on paper" quite so easily.
Even read aloud, I'm not sure how much sense it makes.
i really like this, and you are right it is ment to be read aloud. it makes more sense.