You are like
hot coffee
on a cold day;
you always
burn my lips
when we kiss.
---
I found this on my computer today, and I thought it wasn't half bad (although admittedly not great) and wanted to share. There's something ... missing, but I can't put my finger on what. Also, I could use a better title.
[s]I'm also wondering if I should remove the "but" in the first line of the second stanza. Thoughts?[/s]
edit: yeah, the "but" had to go.
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140,919 Literary Works • 673,736 Reviews
Good beginning. Needs more.
This is lovely, Meep. The rhythm is good, the flow is good, and I love what you've said. I can't fault it. Wish I could be more helpful...
Jas
Short, i love it, you found this???? I can't find hardly anything wrong with it, but that's jut me. cool poem! -AnnaBanana
You know, I liked this too. I can't necessarily see this being published or winning you hoards of adoring fans, but it's got a simple, attractive quality to it. I would consider utilizing the same metaphor in prose. Rework it a little, change the pronouns, and you've got a unique little literary gem to bury next to character dialogue or description.
If you feel it works just fine as a poem, then think about changing the spacing. At the moment, it doesn't read right. I know, because I have the same problem. The way you break your lines makes the poem choppy and halting. Consider joining a couple lines together to make the flow a little smoother.
Anyway, I liked it. Don't have much to say, but it was refreshing and unique.
-Kylan
I like it a lot! It's not really poetry with a deeper meaning, and it's really incredebly short, but I still love it because the metaphor says so much about "you". It makes the reader wonder, "Why do their lips burn? is that a metaphor for something else, too?" I like it for that, it makes me want to know more, but not in an unsatisfied way. It's like a really quick, small bite of ice cream. I want more; but I know that's all I can have or I'll get fat. Haha.
Yeah, I don't like "but". I don't think it really fits in the sentence, because it is a metaphor. If you had said something like "You are like hot coffee on a cold day but really you aren't" then it would work. Haha.
I do like it! It's short, and sweet.
I see what you mean; it's with the second stanza. The first stanza has lovely strong words, the contrast between hot and cold, but the only 'focused' word in the second stanza is "burn", the rest of the words just there to support it. Like the burning should relate back to the coffee and the cold.
Good luck! Let me know if you have any questions!