Published November 29, 2010
Author's note:
She scatters seeds in the snow, her alabaster skin melting into the background of doves that flock around her. Her checkered scarf, stark crimson and olive green, nestles her head, forms her mask.
A couple strolls past, picture perfect faces tilted towards each other, breaths forming a misty cloud of lovers’ sighs.
I see only her mesmerising eyes, warm brown against the frigid pale canvas of her skin. They are wide-set, but the perfect distance for me to plant a kiss between.
She wears a beanie to tame her hair, but unruly wisps of charcoal frizz escape its confines. The contours of her ears can just be made out under her beanie, big but strangely endearing.
I stare helplessly, drinking in the sight of her as she turns to face the sun, basking in its rays. She glows, as if an ember burns brightly beneath her paper-thin skin.
Then she notices me looking. In her eyes is a tentative smile.
Heat rushes to my cheeks, like a child caught doing something he shouldn’t, I offer a sheepish grin.
I do not miss her left hand creeping up her neck, self-consciously adjusting the scarf, muting her radiance further.
Behind that scarf lies an exquisite smile. She hates the thinness of her lips and the mole that dots her upper lip. I love the softness of her peach-tinted lips, the smooth curve of her smile, spotted curiously with a mole.
She hates how her waist is centimetres too large and the undesirable circumference of her limbs. I adore the roundness of her body; those full arms are the tenderest cushions. She is all curves, without the angular outline of those slim figures that grace the cover of fashion magazines.
I am surrounded by a winter wonderland, glittery snowflakes descending and patterning the landscape blanketed with pristine whiteness. I am surrounded by people, some of the kind that makes her turn away from the mirror, ashamed and dissatisfied at what she sees.
Yet-
She scatters seeds in the snow and I am captivated.
I see only her.
So beautiful.
**********
She lived three houses down from mine, and we took the same bus to school every day. Being ten then, like most boys, I paid more attention to my Pokémon cards than I did to girls.
One Tuesday, I was forced to pay attention after I bumped into her, causing her to fall. I was too absorbed in trading cards with my bus-mate to notice. I heard an indignant “Hey!” behind me and turned, only to be whacked on the shoulder with a weighty backpack. Her surprising show of strength landed me on the floor. You could say she swept me off my feet.
“What did you do that for?” I shouted, rubbing my sore bottom.
She planted her hands on her hips and retorted, “You bumped into me and didn’t apologise!”
“You didn’t have to attack me, crazy!”
“No, I wouldn’t have to, if you paid more attention to where you were going instead of trying to get your friend’s Charizard card. Which by the way, is fake.”
I stared at her in shocked awe. My bus-mate looked annoyed.
When I continued to gawk at her, she decided to continue, “I have an extra Charizard card at home, if you want to trade for it. Provided that you be nice to me.”
Just like that, our friendship took off.
We spent our afternoons alternating between our houses, watching Pokemon shows and playing pranks on our housewife mothers. She made me laugh a lot.
During the winter of my fifteenth year, I started to see my playmate and best friend more as a girl. My mother teased me for taking so long to do so.
I liked our snowball fights. It gave me an excuse to admire her lovely face.
The way the corners of her eyes would crinkle as she laughed; the way she’d wrinkle her button nose when a snowball landed in her face; her lopsided smirk after triumphantly pelting me with snowballs; how her hair would spread against the snow as I tickled her relentlessly.
Noticing my stares, her hands would flutter nervously to her face, and she would ask me if there was something wrong with it. I would be guilt-ridden every time she did that. She was so self-conscious.
I wanted to tell her that she looked lovely, but I was too embarrassed.
Once, while we walked down the hallway in school, she suddenly asked me, “Don’t you think she’s pretty? And her?”
I followed her wistful gaze to two girls who had just passed us. One of them had large, round eyes that many students regarded to be very attractive. I thought she looked positively fish-like. The other, my classmate, was admittedly a fine specimen of feminine pulchritude. Her personality was also as charismatic as a fencepost.
“I think you’re pretty too.” I replied softly and earnestly, blushing. Her lips pursed, and she said nothing. Perhaps she had not heard me.
We walked home in silence.
**********
I suspect that she knows I love her.
I even suspect that she may just love me back.
Every day, I tell her she is beautiful. Remind her. But she only listens to the cruel jeering of her peers. She still wets her pillows with tears.
Whenever I caress her face, her lips, she becomes a mimosa. She recoils from my touch ever so slightly, her body folding and bringing her shoulders closer together. Even as she lowers her head, I see the flicker of uncertainty in her eyes.
Take your time.
I’ll wait for you.
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139,616 Literary Works • 672,626 Reviews
Hopefully this title is appropriate!
Thank you for all your help everyone, I've taken the feedback and edited my work accordingly
I couldn't help but post here and say this is very interesting I love the use of ''her'' and ''she'' as it shows the distance between each other yet the rest shows the affection he feels. I think the title should come from you because you know your writing better then any independan body but this is very inspiring and I hope you write more like this.
PM next time you put post a thread I'll be interested.
-J.A.C
I really liked this story!! I think maybe you should say more about the narrator. You were really descriptive with the main character but, there's nothing about the narrator. Maybe you intended it to be that way..but I would like to know more about the narrator. But, overall, it is a really good story
Hi there, Meep:)!
I'm going to try not to repeat what others have already said. I love the way you executed this piece, and the idea was touching to say the least.
What I had a problem with (and I'm not sure how to get around it) was that there was too much emphasis on her flaws. Don't get me wrong; I loved the flaws. I just think he spent to much time thinking about them. To me, the whole point was that he doesn't care about them. Why, then, does he spend most of his time thinking about them? At the same time, I liked how you didn't fall into the "I don't notice the...." trap. Like I said, I'm not sure how to get around it because the story is in his POV, but maybe if you spent more time describing her body language, (like her pulling up the scarf/ hiding her scar, etc.) and with him admiring what he liked about her, rather than her flaws. Does that make sense? Ah well.
My other issue was the knife attack. It felt contrived to me, and unrealistic. Sure, I can believe that she was attacked, but a blade accross the face without serious injury? I dunno. And something about it being an injury happening later on makes her self-consciousness seem like less of a big deal. I think it would be better if it happened when she was younger, so it is something she's used to, rather than having to adjust to. That way her self-consciousness would be something she's been putting herself through for her whole life.
Or, to put it another way, I feel like her motivation for being self-conscious shouldn't need extra reasons. Not everyone has a knife scar, but most people don't like some aspect of their appearances. One of the things I liked most about this was how universal the characters seemed without being generic--because of that, I just think the knife scar is unnecessary. Of course, this could be just me.
Heh, and before I started this review, I decided not to do nitpicks, but this stood out to me:
1. The first sentence made me read it twice before I understood.
2. If he's aiming at her face, he's also looking at her eyes a lips (which I'm assuming are also on her face.) I still like the idea, though.
To echo what other reviewers said, I really liked how the characters didn't have names, and how you avoided clutter--I think it's the perfect length right now. Thanks for the good read! I'll be looking out for other stuff by you in the future.
Lupis
P.S. Sorry, I'm no good at titles either. If I think of any suggestions though, I'll let you know.
Hello Meep,
This is a charming story! It made me chuckle (out loud), and I like your style and voice. I think you did a great job expressing the frustration of loving someone who does not count themselves worth loving.
Irrelevent question: What is she sowing?
I like the description.
Love that bit.
THAT made me laugh.
After all the oeey-gooey (don't get me wrong- I like the ooey-gooey), this is a nice change of pace. It rounds out the characters and makes them even more endearing.
The boy character really develops here; I start to feel I can understand him a bit.
I'm frustrated at this point... this is a very relateable scenario. Ha, ha.
While I see the opportunity it gives you to further flush out the characters (the last sentence, "When the bandages came off, she wouldn't face me," is dynamic and powerful), this bit required some suspension of disbelief on my part. Perhaps more backstory is in order?
My only other critique is that, in some places, the narrarator's voice sounded slightly feminine. As a girl who chooses frequently to write for male characters, I'm afraid I'm picking at the speck in your eye while there's a plank in my own... just something to consider.
On the whole, the story is wonderful, and the characters are easy to connect with. I'd love to read it again If you ever felt like developing it into a longer piece.
Bravo,
RaeSuz
Beautiful line. You've used alliteration very well here. xx
Hello Meep!
Let me start by saying that I thought this was absolutely adorable. It accurately describes the way a young person - especially a boy, I feel - loves someone. Setting them apart from others based on their flaws, which are found to be endearing and special, rather than on their "perfections".
However, I do have some critiques:
I wonder, would I boy be likely to say this? It sounds good, yes, but it seems a bit out of character.
I don't like the repetion of "her face" twice in the same sentence. The second one can be replaced by "it"; the reader already know what you are talking about.
Pokemoooooooon! ^^<5
That's all the nitpicks I have. =P This flowed nicely, although I found the flow from when he was discussing how he fell for her to when she apprehended the thief to be a tad abrupt. That's not too big a problem, though; this is a short story, after all.
I liked that you seemed to return to the beginning at the end. It tied up the story nicely and your closing lines were superb. Also, I enjoyed the fact that you didn't name your characters. This made the story more universal and relatable.
Once again, this was adorable, and I liked the message and its execution. As Skins said, it was subtle enough not to be overwhelming, but clear enough that it was portrayed.
*Likes*
This story is so well written I can't put it into words! It sends a wonderful message to people and that really says good things about you as a person! This is a beautiful, beautiful piece!!!!!!!! I am looking foward to read more of your work!
keep writing
-Rayne
well hey there meep! love the name by the way (: well i absolutely love this! your writing is so good, and the emotion you put into it is perfect. You got your message across perfectly, so great job!
You said you needed help with your title so i suggest you use your last line of the story for your title (I'll wait for you.) i feel it kind of ties the story together.
well anyway this is great. Keep up the outstanding work!
Hello Meepy.
RAWR.
Corrections in RED.
Why no one has noticed this? It should be 'scatter', since the noun after it is plural. :3
Personally, I don't think you still need to describe the color of the scarf, 'checkered' alone is enough. However, I'm impressed with your opening line, it is simple yet attractive.
Oh, I like this. Good wording of each phrases and an interesting metaphor you have here.
'Brightly beneath' whose skin? her skin?
Using 'her' thrice in a row seems to be wrong. Perhaps rephrasing this would help? Or you can just simply delete the first 'her'.
Playmate is one word, dear. :3
There's too much 'face' here. Maybe in the part "something wrong with her face', I would change 'face' to 'it'.
How do you show that?
Oh... Why did you let her? (Kidding ^_^)
~
Kicking aside those nitpicks and comments, I thank you for the good read, Meepy. The emotion that consists of sadness and sweetness merged very well that has kept me interested from the first word until the ending. I've completely understood the message you're trying to express to your readers. Even though it seems a bit short, but still you've managed to narrate your main character's feelings and actions, without leaving me confused and unsatisfied. I'm considering your verb inconsistency since I know that you're writing from present-past-present style. The flashback helped it all actually. I also like it how you write metaphors or how you played with words, they are quite refreshing to read.
However there are just some things that I would want to clarify. The first thing I've noticed is that most of your depictions depend on your adjectives and adverbs. I think you're spoonfeeding us that much. Try to show also. As what they say, "One adverb is just about right in one or two pages.". And there are some things that could be described well with nouns and verbs only. So try to polish that one up again. And speaking about pronouns, try rephrasing some sentences which contains a lot of "her", because I know there are simpler ways to write it.
Grammar wise, I find it pretty neat and clean. There are no technically awkward phrases, so I think you deserve a clap for that. Hi-five! I like your main character and the pace of the story plot is smoothly flowing which doesn't lose my track even in the middle part.
Overall, this is really good, Meepy. I think I'm the only reviewer who has been very nitpicky in your piece, so I apologize for that. Maybe because I'm in the mood for being nitpicky. haha. But anyways, I'd understand pretty well if you agree or not on the review I have just given you, since these are all just based on my opinions. Thanks for the read again. Hope this helps and PM me for any questions.
As with the title... well does "MEEP is inspired" would help? Lol. Just kidding. haha. Sorry, I'm not just that kind of person who's good into titles.
Keep writing and peace out,
Yuriiko
Hey Meep!
Thanks for the request.
I have no nitpicks, at all.
The End.
Haha, seriously, I loved this piece. It was simple and beautiful, and you showed us how pure and beautiful love is. I was a little confused at first, wondering if 'I' was talking about the woman walking with her boyfriend, but I quickly caught on
I think every woman, every man, deserves to be loved the way your MC loves his best friend. And your short story portrays that so well.
As for titles...I'm not sure. Play around with the words. What was it before?
Beauty in the eye of the beholder?
Fight for what you want? For what you believe in?
True love is unscarred?
True love is blind?
Meh. Just a few ideas, haha. Well, sorry I wasn't more help, but I really, really enjoyed this piece. Is it for Skins' contest?
Tanya
Yeah, I agree. I didn't want to leave it as untitled, but I didn't like this title much either. Any suggestions?
I think the title is such a shame. I mean it is a good title of course and a romantic one at that. However, is it just me or is it a little cheesey? I guess that is your own judgement but just my opinion.
A lovely read though!
Lulz. Actually, I did.
Hey Meep, im here for the crappy review you requested
What a perfect was to end a short story, it makes you think on how some people can be so shallow, but the one bit i don;t like is that you didn't tell us the girls name, or how she got the scars, but that was up to you and i guess you did it on purpose.
Keep Writing
Geronimo :O)
Hey Meep!
First of all, I can't help it if I'm popular, lol. Just kidding. ^^
Anyway, I'm here as requested. So, I'm not going to do a whole nitpicky review with this because there isn't much I can basically pick out and/or comment on. For starters, however, I would like to talk about the skin here. You seem to mention it a lot, it's not a bad thing if there was reason behind it or something but that doesn't seem to be the case. As for your prose, I find it nice and it surely does capture some interesting imagery and all. However, there a few spots where the wording is confusing and I end up reading it twice to make sure what I've read is right, this cuts the nice flow and I have to pick up the flow again - which is a tad annoying.
This here is where I was a bit lost. Maybe it's just me but I felt like it could've been better since it's got the most action in your story. I also disliked the 'angry, pink jagged line' part because it seems out of the soft genre that you were making and it really pops out to me. However, it's your choice if you want to change it or not.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and I like the scene. I'm calling it a scene because well...it's not really a story since it had no conflict, at least I don't think it did. However, there was interesting message behind your words that I really liked and it captured my attention. My only real suggestion for this piece is to possibly lengthen it. Not overdo it but certainly add a few more paragraphs and dig deeper with the characters because as of now, it's like vague dolls playing inside my head with no real definition, nor do I feel connected to him. Maybe that's what you were going for, I'm not sure.
I apologize if this is a pretty lame review. Your scenes very short and is filled with nice description and words but it fails at delivering a 'real plot' in which I can comment on. Your writing style is fine itself, minus the little few weird wordings here and there but casting that little nitpick aside, this was a good piece. It could use a little tweaking here and there. Anyways, I liked reading it, t'was a good one.
-Shear
Hey, Meep.
I'm here to review as requested! I'm not going to concentrate on nit-picks and grammar, if that's all right with you. If not, that's fine. Just let me know and I'll post another reply with any nit-picks that I have.
I really liked this, Meep. I adored the message of the whole thing and I think that you've portrayed it well. I purposely didn't read the spoiler before the story because I wanted to see if I could tell what the message was without being told, and... I could. That's great! It shows that you are able to send a clear, but subtle message in your stories. Your grammar was lovely, so even if you did want me to point out nit-picks, I'd fail at it. The same goes for spelling!
I'm warning you in advance that I don't think this review is going to be much help... This is a rather short story, so there isn't an awful lot for me to critique. There was one little thing that I noticed though. I get that this is supposed to be a bit of a "in the moment" short story, but I would like for you to show us a bit more. There isn't really any conflict or anything. For example, I didn't notice any mention of the girl in the piece feeling ugly or anything. You did describe her in a way that wasn't beautiful, but I'd have actually like to have seen her feeling as though she wasn't beautiful.
I know this critique is kind of vague, but I hope you're beginning to get the idea. I'd like to see a bit more about the background of the couple. You don't need to describe their life story or anything, but maybe add in some little details of their relationship. You can keep them unnamed - I like that - but I would also like to see you showing their whole situation a bit more. In the end, it's up to you what you do, so please take this with a pinch of salt.
I'm sorry I wasn't much more help... I really can't think of anything else to say. I feel awfully useless! I think that your descriptions in this were really great and you worded them wonderfully. I like the style of this, and every sentence flowed into the next easily. Well done, Meep!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
HI [user]meep(:[/user]! I'm going to review you today, because I used all my points posting chapters to my novels.
She scatters seeds in the snow, her alabaster skin melting into the background of doves that flock around her. Her checkered scarf, stark crimson and olive green, nestles her head, forms her mask.
A couple strolls past, picture perfect faces tilted towards each other, breaths forming a misty cloud of lovers’ sighs.
I see only her mesmerizing eyes, warm brown against the frigid pale canvas of her skin. They are wide-set, but the perfect distance for me to plant a kiss between.
this whollleee thing is awesome!
She wears a beanie to tame her hair, but unruly wisps of charcoal frizz escape its confines. The contours of her ears can just be made out under her beanie, big but strangely endearing.
I stare helplessly, drinking in the sight of her as she turns to face the sun, basking in its rays. She glows, as if an ember burns brightly beneath paper-thin skin.
Then she notices me looking. In her eyes is a tentative smile.
Heat rushes to my cheeks, like a child caught doing something he shouldn’t, I offer a sheepish grin.
I do not miss her left hand creeping up her neck, self-consciously adjusting the scarf, muting her radiance further.
Behind that scarf lies a scarred but nevertheless beautiful smile. I remember how that angry, pink jagged line runs across the corner of her mouth, tugging it down into a perpetual half-grimace. With soft peach-tinted lips, her smile is a conflict of emotions. Hers is a bittersweet candy of which I ever only taste the sweetness.
I adore the roundness of her body; those full arms are the tenderest cushions. She is all curves, without the angular outline of those slim figures that grace the cover of fashion magazines.
I am surrounded by a winter wonderland, glittery snowflakes descending and patterning the landscape blanketed with pristine whiteness. I am surrounded by people, some of the kind that makes you turn away from the mirror, ashamed and dissatisfied at what you see.
Yet-
She scatters seeds in the snow and I am captivated.
I see only her.
So beautiful.
wow ALL I see is good. so good job
~pointe