Prologue
“Hello, Zairon right?” A guy said from the other side of the phone.
“Yeah, Dr. Zairon.” I replied back,
“Cool, I have a case I want you to take for me.”
I thought for a moment and answered “I’m on a case right now though.” “Come on it’ll only take a sec.” He argued. I looked at the case I was currently working on and set it aside to say
“Fine, I’ll take the case, but the pay better be worth it.” I heard shuffling and voices from the other side, then finally he spoke
“Thank you! I am so grateful!” I pinched the bridge of my nose and spoke in frustration
“Just get to the point.”
“OK sorry. I want you to try and find my daughter.” He said seriously. “She was at school one day and then when she was coming home someone kidnapped her.” He continued devastated. “When she didn't come home around 3:00 pm I started getting worried.” I said nothing letting him continue
“I searched the school, but all her teachers said the same thing: she left the school a while ago we don’t know where she is: Hearing this was more devastating.”
“OK I’ll find your daughter Mr…..
“It’s Derek.”
"Derek, but for a price.” I heard him talk to someone and finally he asked
“How much?”
I thought then answered “The things you’ve told me so far sound like it will be hard so I’d say about... wait when did this happen?”
“Two days ago, it was hard to find someone who would help and I was still recovering.” I sighed with frustration. How was I supposed to help? I took a deep breath and replied
“I want seven hundred rainbow stones.” I heard him shuffle and then he spoke back
“OK it’s settled, oh also meet me at my house so if needed I can explain more.” I nodded and then answered “Yeah ok.” Moving my hand off my face I placed the phone onto the holder and sighed. This case was going to be hard even with my sensitive nose. Closing my eyes I thought about how I would have been able to put my nose on the cement and sniff her scent, but it had faded. Even a dog’s nose can have its limits.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there, luv!
This is my first time reviewing a chapter of something in a long while, so excuse any mishaps if you could.
Firstly, I love the story you have going so far! The ending took me completely by surprise xDDD A good ending-hook, that's for sure.
Now, my best advice for this is: space! I highly advise you consider breaking your topics and dialogue into paragraphs; it makes it easier to read, process, and enjoy fully. That's your decision, of course, but it would definitely help the flow of your chapter!
I noticed a few lines of dialogue where terms were repeated. Like here: "“She was at school one day and then when she was coming home someone kidnapped her.” He continued divested. “When the time she normally came around the house came I started getting worried when she didn't come home.”" You repeat that the daughter was coming home, should've been coming, but never came quite a bit. Maybe a similar word other than "came"? Up to you!
I also saw a few spelling errors, first-and-foremost "devastating". I forget what "divesting" means, but I don't think it's what you were shooting for.
In the end, I really liked the plot so far! I'm excited to see where you take this story, and how the whole dog detective thing works out. It's very interesting
Happy writing!!
Hello, Gymnast2801 here to give your prologue a review!
This story seems very interesting-and it's very cool that the main character is a dog!
This prologue is really good but there are still some things that need work so we'll start with grammar and punctuation:
“Hello Zairon right?” A MAN said from the other side of the phone. “YES Dr. Zairon.” I replied, “A WHERE DO I START. I have a case I want you to take for me.” I thought for a MOMENT and answered “IM ALREADY ON A CASE."
Add a coma after hello and yes.
Come on it’ll only take a SECOND." He argued
Coma after on.
I heard shuffling and voices from the other side, then finally THE MAN spoke “Thank you! I am so grateful.”
Exclamation point after grateful.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and spoke IN FRUSTRATION,
“She was at school one day and then when she was coming home someone kidnapped her.” He continued divested. “When the time she normally came around the house came I started getting worried when she didn't come home.”
One day needs to be more spasific if this is a detective case. What I would do is put in a day of the week and if you wanted to be really detailed, the exact date. Same with the part where the daughter doesn't come home at her normal time. You should put the exact time she was supposed to come home and how late she was because it makes the story more realistic and seems like this guy calling really wants this detective to know everything so that he can find his daughter.
And I think you meant "devastated" instead of "divested"
“I searched the school, but they all said the same thing: she left the school a while ago we don’t know where she is: Hearing this was more divesting.” “OK I’ll find your daughter MR..."
"They all" should be more specific. Like "The Staff" or "The School Bored".
Period after ago and after she is. Again, "devastating" and not "divesting".
“I want 700 hundred rainbow stones.”
Change numbers into words.
I nodded and then answered “Yeah ok.”
Coma after "yeah".
Moving my hand off my face I placed the phone onto the holder and sighed.
Coma after "face".
"Holder" doesn't sound like the best grammar ever so I would recommend just saying: 'I placed the phone on the table and sighed'
I loved your prologue and although there is room to improve, this is still quite good! I hope this helped and keep writing! I'll be looking forward to reading chapter one of your story!