Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Fantasy

E - Everyone Violence

A Polar Bear's Story chapter 1

by Meekothegreat


"Mom" I can't sleep! Can you tell me a story?" Rain asked pleading with me.

"Why can't you fall "asleep" my little Cub." 

" There's a blizzard out there, and I don't like blizzards." She whined. I looked out of the den and saw just how bad it was. I was busy sleeping while she played and noticed the storm. Looking down at her I saw how desperate she wanted a story, and that she wouldn't let up. 

"Alright Rain I'll tell you a story, but I get to pick it and you have to stay awake for the whole thing," I explained. 

"Okay "mom" as long as I can sleep afterwards." I nodded and settled down while Rain sat down and waited patiently for me to start. 

"Alright Rain listen carefully, because I'm going to tell you about my life before you came." She nodded and yawned. 

" Back then when I wasn't even born I had a grandmother named Willow." I looked up thinking "Your great grandmother was a leader, but she wasn't at the top." 

"How could she be a leader when she wasn't the full leader?" Rain asked, 

"There was so many rank's that it was complicated." I answered and continued "She lead as best she could and everyone loved her, You see back then white bears lived in groups and my grandmother lead them." smiling I looked over at Rain and saw her in awe thinking of it.

"Keep going mommy! I want more!" She looked up at me with excitement. 

"After a while Willow found a mate and they took care of their Daughter, Sun which is my mother." I heard a tiny yawn and then a "keep going" from Rain. 

"Sun was everything to Willow and she spent more time with Sun." 

" Sun eventually had to take her mother's place and at that time male white bears decided female white bears didn't need help taking care of a cub or cubs.You see males helped the females take care of their cubs, but when Sun became leader they decided females could take care of the cubs themselves." 

"Oh so they left the group?" Rain questioned, 

"No you see Males just didn't want to help take care of cubs." Rain mouthed an "o" and I kept going "Sun asked Willow for help, but Willow only told her she had to figure this out herself." Looking down Rain fell asleep. I sighed and decided I would tell her the rest tomorrow. Resting my head I started closing my eyes and then Silence.

"Mom please help I'm not meant to be leader!" I pleaded, but mother didn't move or look at me she just sighed and spoke in annoyance 

"I told you Sun you have to stop this yourself, you have natural born leadership inside of you." I growled and turned away from her. Walking out of the retirement home I marched all the way back to my homeland. Why couldn't Willow my mother learn I wasn't fit to be leader. 

"Hey where have you been,I wasn't done speaking to you!" Sky growled, 

"Leave me alone I have so many things going on." He gave me a death stare as I walked by. Walking back to the leaders area I sighed. I was the only leader left, they coward back and left me to take care of the males problems and make peace. I went inside and laid down on the soft snow area. My life is ruined because I don't know what to do about their problems. I'm making it worse and everyone I ask to help me won't help.Hopefully I can sort it out.

I felt something against my side and it made me groan and get up. Opening my eyes I saw it was Rain. "Get up mom I'm hungry!" she complained as her stomach growled. 

"Alright Rain just be patient." I yawned out and I got up, stretched, and moved out of the den to the brightness of the sun and ice. Rain sat a few paws away looking at me, wanting me to hunt for food. "Rain don't give me that look, just have a little patience." 

"I'm sorry mom I just can't help it." Rain whined, I scoffed playfully and we went off in search for a seal hole. We trekked for some time until we found a seal hole, But when we got there I couldn't catch any seals because rain wouldn't stop talking. "Rain you got to stop talking if you want food." I huffed out as we continued to walk to find another seal hole. 

"Sorry mom I'll be more quiet from now on." She stopped and when we finally got a seal the sun was almost close to sunrise. When we got back into the comfort of our den Rain asked "Mom can you'll tell me more of the story?" I nodded and when I knew I had her full attention I started the story again.

"The council of polar bears had retreated letting Sun my mother have to solve the problems." I told Rain with a hint of anger.   "She had to talk to everyone to get their opinion and then make laws that not everyone would like involving hurtful comments ." Rain had wide eyes and growled, 

"Why would they do that!" She asked "They deserve a beating!" I looked at her amused and playful put my paw to her belly. 

"Rain that's just how it used to be and even though that was rude they just wanted a say." I mused out. She huffed, but said nothing and sat down for the rest of the story. 

"Sun eventually found her inner leadership and started making rules that not everyone liked."   "She took the hurtful comments and used them against the council who backed out of the hard times." 

"Cool! so she faced up to the council? Rain asked. 

"Yes Rain, Sun faced the council and had told them since they backed away from the job they were no longer council bears." Rain looked in awe and nodded her head while saying *yes*. 

As the sun set it was time for bed so I licked Rains head and told her *its time for bed*. She nodded and we both fell asleep with her head on mine. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 4
Reviews: 8

Donate
Sat Nov 12, 2016 5:40 pm
BelleTheWriter wrote a review...



This is my first review. :)

I liked the premise of the story n and of itself, but I have a few things that I would change.

First of all, when addressing someone using another character, you should put a comma instead of just a space. Take for example "Rain that's just how it used to be and even though it as rude they wanted a say.". If addressing Rain, I would use a comma after her name to make it clear you're addressing her.

I would also change a bit of the punctuation in the story. When I read it, I had to read some parts over again due to the lack of punctuation, which isn't bad, but I would read over the work to make sure you don't need any additional punctuation.

Try to be more descriptive. When telling a story, most people want the story to come alive, they want to feel like they're one of the characters, and have to face one of their struggles and/or problems, like they themselves are in the story. Using "bad" and "she growled" are good starts, but adding more description helps add to the story. You could add what their facial expressions look like or what they're doing with their paws or what theyre doing in general.

That's about all I would change. I don't mean this to be mean or make you feel bad in any way, so I'm sorry if I come across that way.
Again, I love the story and the idea you had for it. It was really fun to read :)
Sincerely,
-BelleTheWriter




User avatar
117 Reviews


Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Donate
Sat Nov 05, 2016 9:32 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, Mikothegreat!
This is Moonwatcher here for a review! ^-^

"Mom I can't sleep! can you tell me a story?" Rain asked pleading with me.

"Why can't you fall asleep my little Cub."

In the first line, there should be a comma after "Mom", because you're addressing someone. You should capitalize the word "Can" because it's in the beginning of a sentence. You should add a comma after "asleep" in the second quote because you're addressing someone right after. Add a question mark at the end for a question.

" There's a blizzard out there, and I don't like blizzards." She whined, I looked out of the den and saw just how bad it was. I was busy sleeping while she played and noticed the storm. Looking down at her I saw how desperate she wanted a story, and that she wouldn't let up.

After "She whined" add a period at the end, indicating a new sentence, instead of a comma. It would make more sense. All you describe the storm as is "bad". Try to use more descriptive detail.

"Alright Rain I'll tell you a story, but I get to pick it and you have to stay awake for the whole thing." I explained.

"OK mom as long as I can sleep afterwards." I nodded and settled down while Rain sat down and waited patiently for me to start.

In the first paragraph that I quoted, add a comma after "Alright". Add a comma after "thing" instead of a period, because it's more of a pause than a stop. In the second paragraph that I quoted, change "OK" to "Okay" to be more formal, and add another comma after "mom". Add another comma after "afterwards" because again, it's a pause, and not a stop. Try to cut up/rephrase run on sentences to improve the flow.

Okay, so that I don't really have to drag on and on, I'm going to stop pestering about the commas. I'm just going to say that at the end of a quote, if the punctuation isn't an exclamation point, or question mark, you would add a comma, and not a period. Again, it's because it would be a pause and not a stop, but I believe you may have gotten the idea already. You'd use the commas after any pause, really.

"There was so many rank's that it was complicated." I answered and continued "She lead as best she could and everyone loved her, You see back then white bears lived in groups and my grandmother lead them." smiling I looked over at Rain and saw her in awe thinking of it.

Instead of "There was" it would make more sense as, "There were", and "lead" would actually be "led" because it's the same verb but in past tense.

"After a while Willow found a mate and they took care of their Daughter, Sun which is my mother." I heard a tiny yawn and then a "keep going" from Rain.

I don't see why 'Daughter' is capitalized here.

"No you see Males just didn't want to help take care of cubs." Rain mouthed an "o" and I kept going "Sun asked Willow for help, but Willow only told her she had to figure this out herself." Looking down Rain fell asleep. I sighed and decided I would tell her the rest tomorrow. Resting my head I started closing my eyes and then Silence.

"Males" and "Silence" shouldn't be capitalized.

"I told you Sun you have to stop this yourself, you have natural born leadership inside of you." I growled and turned away from her. Walking out of the retirement home I marched all the way back to my homeland. Why couldn't Willow my mother learn I wasn't fit to be leader.

The last sentence would be a question, so make it end in a question mark.

"Hey where have you been,I wasn't done speaking to you!" Sky growled,

"Leave me alone I have so many things going on."

This part is a little confusing. Is Sky growling the first sentence, or the last sentence? To whom is it directed at, and who is saying the other line?

Cool! so she faced up to the council? Rain asked.

Capital letters are at the beginning of new sentences, so capitalize "So".

In the last two paragraphs, there are quotes, but without quotation marks. They quotation marks are replaced with asterisks, aka "*", and I don't believe that's the correct use of them.

I feel as if you haven't really established a story here yet. I mean that in the end of the chapter, the conflict in the story being told...in the story, is resolved, and so far, the reasoning for telling the reader this story in a story isn't clear. It may serve a purpose in the future, but it looks like no other installments of this story have been published.

I'm curious to see where you're going with this story. This reminds me of the series, Seekers, which I was a fan of, so I think I'd enjoy more of this, as well. That's all I have to say about this chapter. I hope this review helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^





Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
— Albus Dumbledore