Hello again! Thanks for the extra insights you gave in your comments of my previous reviews, and I'll try to point out more specific grammar things in this chapter. So without further ado...
I was tempted to follow them for awhile and see what I could learn. After all, I have no idea how this world works, other than those general summaries given to me before I was dragged in here. I don’t even know if any of that stuff is true. I mean, I look like the character I designed, but I cannot use the gravity magic I picked.
Exactly what I brought up in the last chapter. I'm a little surprised she didn't want to attempt to learn from the humans before making her break. I get why she didn't, she's scared and acting on gut and impulse, but I'm glad she had a similar thought.
I don't know if any of that stuff is true - why wouldn't it be true? I'd like a little more of the thought process behind that anxiety.
I cannot use the gravity magic I picked - I remember that when she picked it, she wasn't really sure what it was, so why would she all of a sudden know how to use it when she got here? Also, has she really tried yet? She hasn't been here for that long and hasn't had much time to experiment with how to use her magic.
Pain coursed through my body. I ran headlong into a tree while lost in my thoughts. Stupid tears, can’t get distracted. After my amazing escape from the doom kittens and those human adventurers only moments ago, I ran into a group of evil looking monkeys.
This felt a bit fast. She ran into a tree and then a second later she runs into evil looking monkeys. When she gets up and tries to recover from the tree incident, does she see a bunch of evil monkeys looking down on her or something, or did the monkeys come farther along into her journey after recovering from the tree? I would like there to be more of a transition between these two events.
They truly were monkeys in every sense of the word, but their fur was lined with metal spikes. There was an odd purple light surrounding their bodies. I run between the trees as best I can, ducking every time they grab at me from above. I have no idea what they want from me. But I would rather not find out.
In the middle of this paragraph, you switch tenses. First you were in past tense, and then at "I run" you switch to present and stick with present for awhile. The beginning of this chapter has also been in past.
I don’t know why but I could hear the wind move when anything got to close.
Comma after "why". "Too" instead of "to".
My ears picking up on things enough to allow me to avoid these monkeys without looking.
"My ears picked up..."
That would have instantly killed me.
I'm still really curious to know what will happen if she dies in the game. Surely death in the game doesn't equal death in real life. My bet is still that dying is what gets you out of the game. I wonder what she thinks will happen if she dies.
I force myself up, grabbing a stick from the ground as I quickly run, throwing it at the monkey as he starts moving towards me. The stick bounces harmlessly off it, yet It screeched before jumping back into the trees.
If she's running while holding the stick and then I'm guessing turns to throw the stick, does she stay turned to watch what happens, all while still running? That's impressive if that's what happened. Otherwise, did she stop to throw and watch and then take off running again?
(Also, it - yet It screeched - doesn't need to be capitalized).
I quickly turn, shifting my weight to the right as another hand reaches for me, turning around and sprinting in the direction I just ran, a group of familiar voices arguing in that direction. The adventurers from earlier, they were arguing about me from the sounds of it.
The phrasing is a little off for me here. That first sentence has a lot of commas and she turns twice and the second sentence is a bit of a fragment. I would try reading it out loud and then rephrasing and restructuring - maybe something like:
"I shift my weight to the right as another hand reaches for me. I turn and sprint in the direction I just ran. Familiar voices, the adventurers from earlier, are arguing somewhere over there."
Try to think in short sentences, especially in these dramatic moments because that will make your reader read faster and speed up the intensity.
I don’t know what you guys are planning, but I hope screaming monkeys were involved.
Sometimes, like here, it's not super clear whether she's actually saying this to them, or if it's a thought. I'm guessing she doesn't actually say this because there are no quotation marks, but saying "what you guys are planning" makes it sound like she's talking to them.
I was tempted to run right through them, hoping they can handle the monkeys on their own, but then that Quill grabbed my arm, stopping as I was passing him by.
The phrasing gets a little funny here too. I'm not sure you need "on their own" and I think you could end the sentence there. Then I think you can simplify that second statement to something like "Quill grabbed my arm, preventing me from passing him by." With all of the commas and things as one big sentence I think it starts to sound a bit like a run-on and a bit passive.
If they really wanted to stop me, I wouldn’t have gotten away. Was there even a point to me running?
I'm not sure this is needed. It's a nice thought, but it breaks up the flow of the monkey fight drama.
“*In public I’m* Curse, *with friends I’m, Maeve.*”
The asterisks confused me. Is this to denote when she whispers and when she speaks in a regular voice, or to denote when she speaks a different language?
She whispered, still hugging me into her chest, but it sounded like she was whispering gently in my ear.
This is redundant - she whispered and then it sounded like she was whispering. You can cut after "her chest"
“W-well, before escaping,” I stop for dramatic effect. “I lived most of my life locked up in a room. I didn’t know any names, until you mentioned yours.” There, problems explained away.
I would like some internal monologue before this to show why she feels she needs to lie and make up this story? Is all about being in character or creating a character? Why not just say, hey I just found this video game and decided to give it a try and then I ended up here, can you tell me what the hell is going on? :p
Overall, another good chapter. I like that you're keeping the suspense and the drama going. Avery's motivations and decision making confuses me a little bit, but perhaps things will come into the light more for me as we continue I'm glad that the other characters came back because Avery is going to need some allies an some people to help her navigate this weird world. I thought it was really interesting that another one of them is also an Alvear too. I wonder if the other members of the group know that information.
You've done a really nice job creating the atmosphere of a game. I do feel like I'm inside this video game already, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to seeing this town and more of this world! I don't feel particularly connected to Avery yet. I think some of that is because, so far, it's been mostly action and mostly on the go trying to figure things out without a lot of introspection and connection to others. (That's what really helps me connect to characters). But, I think that will easily change as the story progresses and Avery gets to know her new comrades more.
In terms of the names, three is a bit much, but I think they all have a purpose. I've already long forgotten what her male name was (until you reminded us at the end with your list). I think as long as you're consistent about when and how you use the different names it'll be okay. And if you haven't used one of the names in a while (like if you've spent three chapters calling her Avery and in the next chapter she's Mist, maybe remind the reader that Avery = Mist in some fashion, just in case.
I'll leave things there for now and pop back over tomorrow for the next chapter! Let me know if you have any questions or if you would like feedback about something I didn't already mention in the meantime!
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