Published June 11, 2011
Happiness is, something
the boys in each small town
dream of and drink away
when they remember
the distance from bed
to the drive, and walk out
the door to go to work,
and find themselves.
And each day
they keep asking
them self "how
did I get here?"
I see them standing
by roads and wonder
when my turn will come.
We were born into small towns,
little rickets in prehistoric bones;
a poor man's museum curiosity.
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You don't think that it creates duel meaning? Happiness is (exists, stands alone) + happiness is this (specific). It also gives the effect of hesitation, or uncertainty in my opinion. But perhaps you're right and I read to much into it. :p
I beg to differ, inkwell. I think the comma at the beginning just looks and sounds like a typo. It's distracting and holds no meaning to me. Also, at the bottom of the first stanza, capitalize the 'h' in 'how'.
Other than that, great job! I enjoyed it.
First, give it a title. Untitled poems are so trite.
Second, excellent opening stanza! The comma after "is" in the first line is such a powerful pause and really sets the tone that follows seamlessly through to the end of the stanza. Only thing you should change is "them self" to "themselves."
The second stanza is just as powerful, with a shift in tone and a thematic conclusion for the last three lines that sounds sad but is lifted up by the subtle and uniting "we."
As a whole, this poem shows great use of enjambment and is deeply genuine. Great job, as always.
Hiya,
I won't be reviewing this fully but I HAD to comment! This is such a lovely poem..I read it twice because I wished I would have wrote it myself!
I just wanted to say how much I loved it, I wouldn't change anything about it and it really inspired me to write some poetry
HAYLEY
xx