Published August 21, 2011
little butterfly,
i found you dead
by the mailbox.
who
were you,
were you
waiting
for life
or news
of where
you want to be?
little butterfly
you were beautiful,
like a mannequin
still as ice in april;
was life outside
the cocoon
all it was
cracked up
to be,
or not?
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,061 Reviews
As simple and delicate in effect as that still butterfly. I appreciate a focused, minimalistic piece like this one. The simplicity or the final question, and the simplicity of the discovery, requires very little in the way of the complex--but of course, all such questions are. Was it worth it? Was there a choice? The butterfly is unlikely to tell us.
My only critical suggestion--omit the "or not?" at the end. It feels redundant--a loose thread dangling from the end of a point that well enough implies the "or not?" alternative to the question.
Perhaps there's some kind of humor that I'm missing, or an inside joke that started before I joined YWS, but is this "piece" meant to be a mockery of poetry? How did it procure 20+ likes if it's not even really a poem? I'm not dissing, but rather just questioning the calibre of attention this has warranted.
It just seems like anyone could do this...
I was
on a road
little bird, etc.
Enlighten me as to the intricate qualities of this segment, which have so intensely captivated such a large audience.
MrM,
I think the YWS will soon consider my reviews scathing and unkind if people keep posting these kinds of poems for me to review. What have you given me to look at for today? A short, avant garde poem which is structured in a kind of wave – which I could easily suggest is a growth, death stream, which would tie into your theme but would perhaps be too kind of me. I understand that you’re experimenting with line breaks, and I have had issue with your line breaks in the past, but this is shifting from one extreme to the next and it means that I am still missing out on key parts of your poem. Too distracted by the shape of your poem, I’m missing out on what you’re trying to say.
Not that what you’re trying to say is incredibly difficult. There is death and loss and disappointment in how those things manifest themselves in our eyes. This poem is too pretty for that, MrM. And I’ve mentioned that to you, in passing, in conversations. Some things shouldn’t be pretty, and this shouldn’t be either. Butterflies are rough and fluttery and erratic. Mannequins aren’t particularly beautiful, unless you are suggesting and uncut, unflinching look at how the beauty can be forced into the inanimate. I miss the ice in April, as it’s not something I’m really familiar with.
What is this, MrM? What are you doing here? I think you need to shift this, make this third person and detach so you can reattach more effective (truthful?) emotions to the poem. Right now it’s like the mannequin, or the dead but pretty. It’s got glitter but no soul. You can do better than this, you need to find a medium between the slam and the obscure. Shift your lines around until they’re more palatable, is one suggestion, and explore why you think mannequins should be considered as beautiful as butterflies.
We can chat more about this, or I can come back. Just give me a head’s up.
- Guin.
Great poem! I love how you structured the poem and leave the punch for the end. This really allows the words to sink in and then be forced to think about upon the last phrase. I found the message to be a beautiful one. As you gracefully describe "pretty things" to the butterfly, it amazes the relate ability of your poem! It reminds me of how at a funeral, we fantasize how perfect the descends life was, and attempt to forget their struggles and weaknesses. You are very talented! Keep up the great work!
I really loved that! I thought it was short but great
My only thing is also the lack of punctuation and capitalization. I think if you're not going to have that you really need to have a solid reason, and it is distracting to have the whole poem like that. So my suggestion is choose the lines where you're not going to capitalize so those lines stand out.
This is probably one of my favorite poems I've read so far, though!
My favorite lines are these:
who
were you,
were you
waiting
for life
or news
of where
you want to be?
And I LOVED the ending. wow.
I just really felt like this was missing punctuation and capitalization. I know it's a poem and doesn't need that, but I find it distracting. Could you maybe, possibly add a bit more punctuation? To make it more clear? Otherwise, this was very sweet, I liked it very much.
Considering all of the reviews you've gotten, nothing else can really be said about your piece. To me it was perfect, I enjoyed reading it!!
this was an overall pretty good poem...i like how you described the butterfly, and my favorite line was "as still as ice in april". i also was a bit confused and thought some of the lines were kind of choppy and lacked detail. the poem needed more imagery. i also didnt understand the part with "were you waiting for news of where you want to be?" i didnt understand that....it wad a beautiful poem nonetheless! great job and keep up the awesome writing!!!!
I like the way you've put emphasis on the butterfly's beauty. They really are unique creatures. It seems like you're talking to the butterfly which is what I liked most about this poetry. It's short and sweet. You really have a writer in you. Goodluck with future posts
I just wanted to tell you how much I loved this. It was a very touching piece, and I wanted to tell you well done! This isn't really a review, so sorry 'bout that! Oh, one thing - I think you should add capital letters.
Great job!
Ofir
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I liked the message of the poem, you pulled that off well. The way it is written, however, could be improved.
I hope this review helped, I really do like this poem as a whole, but there are parts that you could improve. Cheers!
WoW..! For saying so little, this poem really says alot! I loved it, the way you wrote it and the simplicity of a subject that seems to go so much further. A few little nitpicks though... For one, Capitals - you missed it on one of the "I"'s and you haven't used them in the beginning of any of your sentences. Also, I agree with Evi, the imagery of beauty like a mannequin really isn't the most brilliant one
And finally, I think you need to put a question mark instead of a comma after the first of the two lines that says "were you". Other than those things this was a really, really amazing poem!
4/5 icky, sticky spiders to you!
Good Work & Keep Writing
// Demoness
Nice message! I loved how you didnt use to much imagery because this gives the reader the opportunity to image on their own. Like, I imaged a standard yellow butterfly but other might have pictured a orange or black one. Loved it! Only think I noticed was April should be capilazed
Hey Mustard! Really nice sentiment going on here. I'll point out some small things--
The repeated "were you" threw me off, especially with only a comma between, and the two lines looking identical. I think replacing that comma with a question mark would allow the readers to read it correctly the first time as opposed to imagining a sort of stutter in the poem. Secondly, I, too, had some issue with the "beautiful like a mannequin" like. I like "still as ice in April", but I fail to see how mannequins are beautiful. I think you need to pick something with a simple, more intrinsic beauty, for such a simple poem. And finally, I'd axe the last two words. When you ask a "yes/no" question such as (the tragically perfect and fabulous line of) "Was life outside the cocoon all it was cracked up to be?" you're already implying that the answer is either "yes" or "no", so the "or not" becomes repetitive. I find the ending more subtle without the "or not"-- it feels like they're being imposed on readers as the real answer, that you're trying to tell us outright that life outside wasn't so great after all, to lead us to that conclusion by those last two words. Let us come to it on our own.
Overall, a sweet, beautiful little poem, encompassing a rather large idea in a rather small package. I do think you could play around with some more interesting wording ("waiting for life or news of where you want to be" is a pretty empty and dull phrase-- really, what meaning or imagery does that carry?) but besides these things, well done.
~Evi
This is really awesome. I've thought about writing a poem with this message, but I couldn't figure out how to word it. You pulled it off perfectly, with your ending. Is life outside the cocoon all it's cracked up to be? This poem is legendary. You should get it published.
This is a short poem so I don't have much to say. First of all I thought that it was too dominated by questions, but it worked thanks to your tone and opening statement. The style and enjambment were very well executed giving this piece a nice pace and rhythm, and along with the repetition of "little butterfly" it emphasized the delicacy of life/the butterfly. I did not like your mannequin simile, however.
I had to chew those lines a bit in order to swallow them. First of all, what's so beautiful about a mannequin!? And before it died it would have been flying around, not still as ice. Secondly, the latter two lines are grossly inconsistent with the poem and each other in imagery and tone. I think cutting/revising these lines or just the latter two at least would really clean up your poem.
Beside that this poem is very nice. It really proves your skill with this new style, and manages to dwell on themes such as death and growing up carefully and gently, like a butterfly.
Hello! First off, I just want to say how touching this poem was. It really was lovely. But I do feel that it could have used a bit more imagery and description- what type of butterfly was it, what were the wings like, things such as that. I dearly loved the message of the poem, the realities of life and how heart-breaking and scary it can be/is. The last line was great and I loved the "Still as ice in April" part as well. They phrasing scheme kind of threw me off a bit but that could have just been me. Again, great job.
Hello
I love how the poem ends: "was life outside the cocoon all it was cracked up to be, or not?" Going out into the world, only to find that the world isn't the freedom and fairytale you expected. Reality is mean and cold.
It's like a child who grows up, and realizes they have to pay bills and they're on their own.
Or waking up from a dream, where there's no responsibilities and everything is beautiful and abstract; and realizing you have to face reality.