note: not sure how to work further on this. seems burdened?
Blue Eyes
You get me-
pretty cobalt jewels as a priceless bribe,
driving downtown on a hitchhiker's express
to my first wedding.
You feed me-
cerulean fish caught between the waves of hands
second and third use, you say pinned fresh
and I'll keep those blue beauties safe in a jar, feed them
garbage daily to keep them fresh.
I fell in love with blue eyes-
many others besides mine and peace of mind is a
lie and a lie and a lie
painted as a pretty blue sky on the canvas
of each pair of hollow blue eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
That was...deffinitely one of a kind. I liked it, though most of the time I didn't think it was quite clear what you were talking about. It was unique and it did make me wish I had blue eyes, too. Maybe you should try cleaning it up a bit... like, i agree it does feel heavy, like you're throwing a lot of thoughts at the reader all at once, you know what i mean?
Anyway, i liked it very much- it was great!
Hi there Ketchup. Lavvi in to review.
Now this. This was cool. It was really awesome how you compared blue eyes with jewels and such. Oh, so pretty. It was a gem of a poem...oh, hardeharhar. I'm kind of tired. Don't mind me.
However, I'd like more comparisons. Two seems not to be enough. I think three's a good number, it's odd and therefore...I really have no "therefore". I'd like three comparisons. Two just seems too short and four would be an excess.
I'm not nuts about the "and a lie and a lie and lie" part. It just feels like you ran out of words to finish the poem and you needed to throw something in there. It's kind of a letdown actually, since the poem in a whole is quite nice.
Yours,
Lavvi
You've got me wishing I had blue eyes!
I have blue eyes! I love this poem for the emotion it draws, good job!
Note: Love your avvie! Katherine Hepburn's pretty cool. Wow. This had a very lingering effect on me. Unlike Lele, I do have blue eyes and officially feel special.
I have no particular nitpicks but I have spme suggestions after seeing this:
These are just sugestions off of your plea.~ I would make it longer. You have a good flow, but something just seems incomplete about the poem.
~ It does seem a bit burdened, a bit heavy. I don't know if you did this because you wanted to, or if it just happned. If you follow the above idea, I'd lighten up the next stanza or so. It is a love poem, after all.
~ Study it. Add how your feeling that moment. Make it a giant collage of feelings. It would expand the poem, lighten it, and make it more heavy. It would be great!
Those are just some suggestions! Anyway, I ended up finding one nitpick.
Is 'cerulean fish' supposed to be capital? Thanks for the great poetry!
I love this, it made me wish I had blue eyes. Its the way you describe their capturing essence, I think. Anyway I love these lines: