Published July 18, 2010
One
Blood dribbles down my chin. All I can concentrate on is the sweet taste of blood. Cherries on top of a banana split. That’s what it tastes like. Cherries on top of a banana split.
I inhale deeply, savoring the scent of the drained corpse. In my euphoric state I accidentally let the dead man slip to the floor. Splat! Blood spills onto the new hardwood floors. Damn. I need to clean this up before She gets home. I grab a mop and start cleaning. A door creaks open. No! Crap! Another door opens. She’s getting closer. Please, if there is a God. The mop slips from my sweaty hands and clatters to the floor. I try to drag the body to the nearest closet, but suddenly I’m surrounded by darkness. It’s too late.
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140,962 Literary Works • 673,787 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite something. It's a little hard to immediately place where this could be taking place at but if I had to hazard a guess this sounds like we have a bit of vampire action happening here with this particular person who appears to be fresh off draining some random person's corpse for blood. It is a little hard to fully judge this considering how short this part happens to be but I think you manage to do a pretty decent job here with establishing that. Looks like things are going along rather nicely for the moment.
The ending there is also rather interesting since it almost seems as if this vampiric person that has just pulled of this situation with the corpse is now having to face the consequences for it here. It makes for a pretty interesting moment where things just seem to end in darkness for the POV character there but its not really clear what this is perhaps all about. All in all, I think this leaves a nice amount of unanswered questions here for us to deal with as a reader and that makes for a pretty interesting start here for this. You do find yourself wanting to read on and find out more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Blood dribbles down my chin. All I can concentrate on is the sweet taste of blood. Cherries on top of a banana split. That’s what it tastes like. Cherries on top of a banana split.
I inhale deeply, savoring the scent of the drained corpse. In my euphoric state I accidentally let the dead man slip to the floor. Splat!
Blood spills onto the new hardwood floors. Damn.
I need to clean this up before She gets home. I grab a mop and start cleaning. A door creaks open.
No! Crap! Another door opens. She’s getting closer. Please, if there is a God. The mop slips from my sweaty hands and clatters to the floor. I try to drag the body to the nearest closet, but suddenly I’m surrounded by darkness. It’s too late.
Is that better? Should I add a space better each new paragraph or leave it the way it is?
You've got a good sense of suspense building here, and despite myself (this is far from my type of story) I want to read on.
This is so short, though, it's hard to know what to say. I like the content, because it's so bizarre and the sparseness is, for a lack of a better word, cool.
What I do think you should change is where you have the paragraphs. If I were you, I'd add quite a few of them. Maybe one after Splat!, another after "the new hardwood floors." One after "Damn." and another after "A door creaks open." And onward and so forth.
The reason is that it's more dramatic, and builds suspense because it's like a staircase, each new paragraph adding a bit more until the "Dun dun DUN" moment of "It's too late."
Just an idea. Take it if you want.
Rach