z

Young Writers Society



On Wings of Fire: Chapter 4, Part 1

by Mea


There was one small flaw in Fyn’s plan: there were no passenger ships currently heading upriver.

“Bad storm rolling through up north,” a spry old hamadryad told them at one of the many docks along the Taunby, the wide river that ran through the heart of Promise and emptied into the Merrow Bay.“It’s delaying everything, and of course no boat’s going to be stupid enough to head right into it. Come back in, oh, a week or so.”

“I’ll show you stupid,” Fyn hissed. “We don’t have a week! We need passage now!” His skin was prickling under his scales – Promise made his skin crawl. There were too many other godformed here. The humans knew to avert their eyes and get out of his way, but the hamadryads and the thunderbeasts and the merfolk, who each followed their own gods, didn’t seem to care about who was more favored of their god, or held the highest title. The way they talked to him, suddenly and without any postures of respect, was essentially how everyone back home always talked to him, as a hatchling. But he couldn’t possibly be lower-ranked than he was — they weren’t even drakes! Fyn sure as brimstone wasn’t going to submit himself to them, but neither could he seem to establish whether or not he was the one with authority in a conversation.

“Come back in a week,” the hamadryad repeated pleasantly, his grin showing old, yellowed teeth through a curtain of stringy green hair. He probably stank of fish, though Fyn couldn’t say for sure because this entire docks and half the fishermen pushing by him right now stank of fish.

Fyn felt the heat rise in his throat. “We’re trying—”

“—to leave town today, and thanks to that storm it looks like we’ll be walking,” Cassia cut in smoothly. “We really do appreciate the information, though.”

She pressed a small coin into his hand. “Have a silvery day.” She smiled at him, and with hardly a glance at Fyn, walked away.

Fyn sputtered sparks, the fire that had been involuntarily brewing in his stomach choking and dying. The hamadryad had already turned back to his business, repairing some of his nets, apparently under the impression their conversation was finished.

With a growl, Fyn stalked after Cassia. As he went, he updated his mental tally. Fyn: 1. Cassia: 1.

Their third battle took place at the market. Cassia wanted to buy enough provisions to last them nearly two weeks, and when Fyn asked where she was going to put it all, she frowned. “Well, can’t you carry it?”

Fyn recoiled. No self-respecting drake would consent to carry supplies like a common pack horse. “If you’re trying to insult me, just say it to my face.”

Cassia blinked. “No, it was a genuine question! I just thought it’d be easier.”

And she looked so sincerely sorry that even though she agreed not to buy the supplies after Fyn pointed out that it was only a few days’ travel and they could hunt in the forest on the way, Fyn still couldn’t quite bring himself to update his mental tally to Fyn: 2, Cassia: 1.

Between arguments about logistics, the pair made it out of Promise with only an hour or two of sunlight left to spare. By the time they approached the end of their first full day of travel after leaving Promise, Fyn’s restraint had quite evaporated. First Cassia was walking too close to him on the rutted trail, then she was too far, even taking flight and soaring ahead out of sight at times, the sort of thing that would get her killed once they crossed the border proper into Selachen. She had wanted to stop to eat around midday, even though it was wasting daylight, and he had planned to stop just after sunset, to leave enough time for him to hunt. And on and on it went, until they had settled into a sullen sort of silence that almost pretended they were merely strangers walking down the same road.

Now, as Fyn forced his way back into the clearing Cassia had found for the evening, dragging the remains of a young buck, he saw that Cassia had managed to build a fire.

“I could have done that, you know,” Fyn said as he dumped the deer carcass. He let a lick of fire play around his jaws to demonstrate.

“Right,” Cassia said absently.

She was large round stones into the fire for some reason.Fyn left her to it, and settled down with his deer, tearing into it with gusto. He couldn’t remember the last time he had had this large of a meal all to himself. Kills were usually brought back and shared among the tribes, and the hatchlings ate based on how pleased their broodfather was that day. Fyn usually wasn’t the last… but he was often one of the last. He had just found the deer’s liver and was about to rip it open when he heard Cassia gagging behind him.

“Do you have to eat that here?” She had her back to him and was covering her mouth with her hand, trying not to retch. Her wings were stuck stiff out like feathery flags.

“What do you mean? I’m a very clean eater,” Fyn asked, confused. He cleaned his jaws with a swipe of his tongue. He always ate carefully, sure to lick up every last bit of blood and tidy away the bones.

“I just… I thought you would at least cook it. You can literally breathe fire!”

Fyn bristled. “Just because we can breathe fire doesn’t mean we waste all that energy on cooking perfectly good meat.” In truth, it was common for drakes to cook their food, but it required a steady control of your fire breath to get the meat to cook evenly. Every time Fyn had tried, he had charred the outside and hardly warmed the inside. He liked raw meat more, anyway.

“Oh.” Cassia was stealing glances back at him now, wincing each time she saw the gore, but her gaze lingered for longer each time, and though she had taken several more steps back, she seemed to be more interested than repulsed now.

Maybe it was something about the way her blonde hair swayed down her back, or those curious blue eyes that looked back at him. Quite unexpectedly, Fyn found himself stepping back from the carcass the way he would to make space for another drake. “Do you want some meat to cook for yourself? I can’t possibly eat all of this.”

Her eyes widened. “Um – no – thank you – I should probably go… get some water. You eat.”

And she snatched up her collapsible cooking pot and disappeared into the undergrowth with a last glance over her shoulder.

Fyn kicked at the deer carcass, feeling heat creep up his neck to his ears. Why had he done that? She’d just been retching at the sight of the thing – of course she didn’t want any! Plus, she was an angel, and that made her an enemy. Her naiveté was probably all an act meant to put him off his guard.

He crept back to the deer and ate until he was gorged, trying to dislodge the uneasy feeling that Selach was watching him, and he was angry that Fyn had offered meat to his enemy.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
672 Reviews


Points: 81482
Reviews: 672

Donate
Thu Jan 28, 2021 2:29 pm
View Likes
Plume wrote a review...



Hi! Plume here, with a review!

OK, I just spent a good chunk of my morning reading your story up to this point, which is something I never do, but yours was too good to pass up. You've got a great writers' voice, great characters, and fantastic worldbuilding! What's not to like?

I really enjoyed this installment of your work. It's giving us a lot of interaction between Fyn and Cassia, which I love to see. They're both so different, and yet they have to work together on this mission. I love both of their characters in different ways. Cassia is just kinda quirky and a little naive, and I love those kinds of characters. Fyn is a little bit of a jerk who's a little standoffish, but he has a softer side that comes out in this chapter. I also love the little mental tally he's kept going. Also, the clashes they have along the road are so accurate. I've had my fair share of traveling, especially with people I don't like, and I can tell you it always goes down exactly like that.

I also adore your writing voice. You have an obvious talent for writing, and I think it really comes through in this work. (And not just in this chapter; I'm talking the whole story.) I couldn't find many grammar errors, and your paragraphs blended seamlessly together. It's very professional. Props to you!!

Specifics

His skin was prickling under his scales – Promise made his skin crawl.


Since you're separating these with an emdash, I don't think "promise" needs to be capitalized.

He crept back to the deer and ate until he was gorged, trying to dislodge the uneasy feeling that Selach was watching him, and he was angry that Fyn had offered meat to his enemy.


"Gorged" is a verb, and you're using it as an adjective here. I'd suggest replacing it with "full" or "stuffed." If you don't like those, I'm sure there's a thesaurus somewhere that can help you.

Overall: stupendous job. I cannot stress enough how much I am really enjoying this story. Can't wait to read more!!




User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Sat Jan 02, 2021 4:39 am
View Likes
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi Mea! Let's just jump right into it.

But he couldn’t possibly be lower-ranked than he was — they weren’t even drakes!


I think one of these he's should be a they.

Also, I love to see Fyn interacting with the other godformed and his struggle to try to fit them into his culture and his worldview. From this, I'm inclined to believe that he hasn't had much (if any) interaction with other godformed before this, and his naivety is really showing. This makes me start to wonder if this is typical? I know that the godformed have their own lands, from the drakes' mountain and angels' city, but are all the godformed so distant from each other? I know Cassia is a bit different because she's a bit more important in the government, so she'd mentioned more about them in her introduction, but are there other normal drakes going around pride? Or are they all secluded except for their High Priestess?

Fyn felt the heat rise in his throat. “We’re trying—” / “—to leave town today, and thanks to that storm it looks like we’ll be walking,” Cassia cut in smoothly.


I love this exchange. And the scoreboard. It's all very Fyn.

Cassia blinked. “No, it was a genuine question! I just thought it’d be easier.”


From this line on its own, it didn't seem like Cassia was being apologetic until after Fyn noted that she looked sorry. This read to me like she was just unaware, which makes sense since she'd mentioned not having interacted much with drakes! I just didn't see where the connection from this statement to Fyn reading it as apologetic. When they first met (if I recall correctly), Fyn saw Cassia as arrogant as she was an angel, so why wouldn't he take this comment in a negative light too?

... Fyn still couldn’t quite bring himself to update his mental tally to Fyn: 2, Cassia: 1.


I feel like actually updating the tally defeats the purpose of saying he wasn't going to update the tally? This isn't necessary an issue, just something I noticed. You're welcome to keep it if you're trying to show something about Fyn's character (like being stubborn and obsessed with "winning").

... that almost pretended they were merely strangers walking down the same road.


Well, since they've only known about each other for less than a day, I would still call them merely strangers, even if they do have an important mission to accomplish together.

Now, as Fyn forced his way back into the clearing Cassia had found for the evening, dragging the remains of a young buck, he saw that Cassia had managed to build a fire.


This was a jarring transition for me because, we were just met with the image of them silently walking down the path without speaking (which is a lovely image and I like the tension being built between them) and then in the very next line they were already settled down and making camp.

She was large round stones into the fire for some reason.


I think you're missing a word but I don't know which.

This has probably been my favorite part so far, because I really enjoyed seeing how these two handled each other on their own. Even the end, where Fyn offered her some food, was super sweet and I like that we can see a bit of his gentleness shine through. This gives us a lot of insight into Fyn's character, and it makes me feel like he's a bit of an outcast in his own culture, trying his hardest to live up to the expectations around him and wanting to be the toughest and strongest, but he's not. It's really neat. I'm excited to see how they'll deal with the challenges thrown their way!

Also, the part about Selach at the end was also really neat. It added to the juxtaposition of what is expected has him as a DRAKE versus how his character actually is.

The only criticism I might give is similar to what I said earlier about how Fyn's view of Cassia changed really quickly. I can see how this works, because it shows Fyn in a gentler light, wanting to see the better in people, even someone who is a sworn enemy like Cassia is. However, maybe it might do good to still have a bit more back and forth internally? To keep that image of "oh no, she's still the big bad angel, don't listen to her!" to emphasize that transition a bit more? Just a suggestion.

Solid work! And off to your next part :)
~ Wolfe




Mea says...


<3



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sun Dec 13, 2020 4:19 pm
Unknownentery says...



This is very well worded!




Mea says...


Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)




I have a Gumbie Cat in mind, her name is Jennyanydots; Her coat is one of the tabby kind,with tiger stripes and leopard spots.
— T.S. Eliot, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats