Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The best thing about Fridays is a 2day weekend to just recharge from the week. School is considered to be a safe haven for some, but everyone else says that it’s a waste of time. Why do they think that, I have no idea but at least they go. Now it’s the weekend and we can relax, or at least we thought we could.
On the morning of Labor Day, we were surprised to wake up to no power. I got up and checked my iPod and saw that I had news messages out the wa zoo. I pulled them up and basically overnight the infected people overrun the U.S military and all law enforcement. I looked at my brother Mike and we were in shock. After a bit I looked at him and said “We need to leave.” He looked up and said “Why? And where would we go?”
“Somewhere where it’s not as bad. I saw that down South there is a refugee camp. I think we should try it. We already know that a large group of them are heading this way.”
“I guess we have no other choice.” He sighed and left the room. I went down stairs into our basement and got our packs ready. He came down and said “Trucks ready to go.” I nodded and grabbed our gear. Since my brother was 4 years older than me he could buy guns and we were both armed with assault rifles. He wasn’t old enough to buy pistols so we carried hunting knifes. I had one more thing and that was my crossbow which I use only for hunting and in this case stealth kills. We loaded up and left. Our home was now anyone’s who desired it. Our parents died a few years back in a car accident and we were given everything. I’m only fifteen and my brother is nineteen.
As the journey progressed we kept passing abandoned cars and homes. Bodies of the ones that weren’t so lucky were everywhere. We stopped outside of a dollar general to look for supplies. When we went in it was empty and there were a few dead bodies in there. We searched the place and grabbed whatever we could. Pills, bandages, peroxide, alcohol, and more. When we were packed up and ready to leave we turn around and one of the dead body was moving. “Lady are you ok?” I asked. She rolled over and her guts spilled out onto the floor. I started to threw up. After I finished I wondered how that thing could be alive. My brother went over to her and she tried to bit him. He took a hatchet and cut her head off. “She’s dead now.” I moaned at the sight and just felt like puking again. A few minutes later it’s head started snapping at us trying to bite us. I shot it in the head with my crossbow and finally it was dead. I looked at my brother and said “I guess it has to be the brain. That’s how you kill them.” He looked at me and I could see that he had thought. “Maybe that is why they were overrun. They didn’t know where to kill them.” I said “Maybe but still even if they knew were to kill them numbers are stronger than anything.” He shrugged and went back out to the truck. I followed him and we left. As we kept getting further and further south nothing was looking better. We stopped for the night and discussed our options.
“What do you want to do now” I asked.
“I don’t know but if we don’t find more people we aren’t going to last much longer.”
“Yeah I know but we need to figure out where we go from here.”
“What do you mean?” I looked at my brother and he looked back.
“Do you want to find people first or do we go to the refugee camp?” He thought a moment and said “People first because if the camp is a bust at least we have a group to stay with.” “Agreed.”
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Mcbucketts! MissLyricz here for a review of your zombie story!
Plot: Well, your storyline is interesting enough and the events were realistic, based on the current situations the characters are in. You took your readers straight into the action of the story, which is great!
Pace: This was one area you might need to work on. The chapter started off steady-paced, but after a couple of paragraphs or so, the flow of the story came across as very rushed and quick. It felt like you were in a rush to get to the end of the chapter rather than paying intricate detail to each paragraph and event in the story. You might want to consider keeping the story at a steady pace for your next chapter.
Description: There was very little information given with regards to setting or characters and I think this is an area where you might need to improve.
Dialog: it was very messy. The dialog was put together in one giant paragraph instead of being separated where appropriate. Try to separate the dialog, one sentence from each character at a time.
Characters: To be honest, the characters did not feel real. It was almost like they were like robots without any feelings or emotions. I think you need to work developing your characters which includes: a basic profile, their dreams, ambitions, opinions, viewpoints, likes and dislikes and coming up with what they look like.
They were both very empty and it was difficult to connect with them.
Do not think that you should give up on your story just because you have more things that you should work on with regards to story and character development. Your story has a lot of potential, my friend.
MissLyricz x
Hey there!
(for example, "What do you want to do now?" instead of "What do you want to do now")
So I see the reviewer before me already pointed out some things, but I since I saw you're working on chapter two I thought I'd point out some other stuff you could keep in mind while writing. c:
I love a good zombie story like anyone else, and after reading this I was a bit worried that it'd follow a cliche zombie plot line. I won't say much about that though since you said you have a twist coming up for your characters. But speaking of your characters, I think you need to develop them a lot further. Right now, I have no feeling whatsoever to the characters you've presented so far because the voice seems so...monotone. If you don't know what I mean, read the entire piece out loud as it is. Don't add any pauses or effects where it's not written; just read it as it is on this page right now. Doesn't it seem a little telltale? "She rolled over and spilled guts to the floor. I started to throw up." See, when I read that, I don't feel anything. I don't get grossed out or feel some sort of sympathy for the character, you know? But trust me, there's a way you can get a rise out of me. Why not go into detail about the guts? Maybe describe the smell of it, the sound it makes. Trust me, that would really make me feel grossed out.
Also, your characters seem very emotionless to me right now, and that's pretty weird considering they're in the middle of an apocalypse. Instead of telling me, "we're both in shock," why don't you show me? Are her brother's hands shaking? Are there tears in her eyes? Is he pacing back and forth, thinking of what to do? These actions show me that they're in a tight spot without you having to say, "we're in a tight spot." See what I'm talking about? By doing this, you're able to add some flavour to the piece, plus give your readers a sense of who your characters are. If you aren't so sure about your characters yet, I'd advise working on a character sheet (you can find plenty online), and filling them out so you can get a better feel of them.
Also, don't forget your punctuation in dialogue!
If you've got any questions for me, or if you'd like me to clarify anything, don't be afraid to shoot me a message. Have a great day/night, and good luck writing!
Thank you for telling me where my flaws are. To be honest I am new to this and if your write you knew us writers can get ahead of ourselves. I do have to agree that right now yes they have no emotions but in the next chapter I will try to get more involved into the story.
Okay, im a huge zombie fan, so I was quite happy to stumble onto this story. Here's a review for you....
So, overall, you have a great basis for this story. I liked the characters, and the overall story-line you have going. But there are a few issues I have with the peice.
Firstly, the dialogue is mashed together. You should change this, by separating each individual character's dialogue and actions. It's more organized this way, and I do believe that's the proper way to do so regardless.
Secondly, there's several instances that are far to convienant for the plot. For example, after one kill, the characters determine that zombies must have their brain's damaged to be killed. I feel like, it would take more than one to connect the dots.
Lastly, the ending felt too convienant as well. This is 100% just my personal opinion, but I feel like anyone presented with a zombie outbreak, unless already having knowledge about zombies, would not think twice about going to a refugee camp. If you don't know what this "disease" is you aren't going to think that a refuge camp is unsafe, etc., unless you're paranoid. The character's actions seem to be based entirely on convienance, and it reduces the realism for me.
So, overall, your story has amazing potential! What's not to like about zombies? With a bit of character improvement, I feel like this story could improve a lot. I can't wait to read more of your work!
Thank you for your review and to be honest I do think that it was a poor decision to go to a refugee camp but I have an idea that will twist the fate of the characters. I plan on having chapter 2 done soon. Again thanks for your comment and for the suggestions.