Published December 19, 2009
Sheriff Adam Thompson stepped out of his front porch to find his neighbors, the Flints, huddled around their car, holding hands. Pastor Flint was speaking aloud praying for a safe trip. Sheriff Thompson shook his head, and took the mail out of the mailbox. In it lay an invitation to a block party-picnic held by the Flints.
***
That Saturday, Sheriff Thompson asked, “Mark, I know your family’s big on faith, but mine lacks a little. Can I borrow some?”
Pastor Flint handed him a bottle of Budweiser, “Enjoy.”
He looked over at Elise, their son Joey, and their daughter Mary. He turned back to Adam, “I have a lovely wife, but I also have a confused daughter and an adopted son. Do you think we have it all put together? No.” Flint mumbled on as Joey pulled a t-shirt out of one of the tie-dye bins. He set his next to the other kids’ and went to play soccer with the other boys.
Adrianne sat in the shade, surveying the scene. Elise patted her on the back and asked her to help set out the sandwiches. Mary was left alone on the white picnic blanket, with the silverware. She grabbed the bread knife, and brought it to her neck. No, that would be too gruesome. She put it down and went inside to help with her mother.
An hour later, she was alone again, and squirting blood from her right arm. Her left hand still clutched the bread knife.
Sheriff Thompson looked over. Without even taking another breath, he grabbed a plain shirt off the tie-dye table and tied it above her wrist. He pulled off his cell phone and tossed it to Adrianne, who called for help while he held Mary’s arm, applying pressure but not enough to break the bone.
***
Mary spent several days in the hospital, but came out in perfect health. She died ten months later, hit by a car while crossing the street.
Sheriff Thompson arrived at the scene before the ambulance. Upon seeing her body, he knelt down and blessed himself.
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The only prob. is paragraph four. I'm not sure who "he" is, and whose family it is. Another nitpick, is you say she's alone, but then suddenly her dad is there. If I were you I'd say where they were. Other than that, it's a nice little story.
Okay, so here goes. I agree with the person above me about this passage.
This seemed a little sudden; i think more should have been added to hint further that Mary was depressed, or an explanation of why-- a fight with her parents, her mother noting on her sullen mood, maybe a few tense words between her and the sheriff.
okay, this is a weird random nitpick but a pot in the sink doesn't really jive in the sentence; possibly exchange this for dirty dishes in the sink, or stray silverware.
And as for the epilogue-- I kind of liked it. It had a sadistic irony to it. But I also agree that we want to find out more about the Sheriff and Adrianne, and possibly some solid detail on the history of the mother; because It seems that by adding that little clause into a sentence
you downplayed the act of the mother dying into an afterthought the main character had when he went upstairs.
I would say omit that sentence, and then opt for a little more explanation after the dialogue between Adrianne and her father-- possibly say where exactly her dreams got her.
It seems as though you were speedracing through this story, from the beginning to the end. It could stand to be a bit longer, if you wanted to add more dialogue and more backstory on the Flints and Adam and Adrianne Thompson, especially on Maria; since she is the focus, it seems, in this piece.
I thought I was a really good piece, with the potential to be even better if you take the advice above. It seems you have the grace of good dialogue; which is so hard to come by these days that I think you should incorporate more into your story.
So thanks for asking me to review your piece McMourning
*** The universe*****
This seems to me a little confused. You did say some things like:
That was an obvious 'I'm sliding exposition in here' move.I don't get this part. I don't understand why what Sheriff Thompson said offended her, and the last part of that sentence is especially confusing.
That was unexpected, but not in a good way. The little epilogue seems rather unnecessary also. I don't really care about what happened to Mary, I want to see how Sheriff Thompson resolved his problems with his daughter, but this has the air of a finished story about it. If you are indeed finished, you did not solve the problem that you presented at the beginning. If you really wanted the story to be about Mary's attempted suicide, why don't you tell it from the point of view of someone like Joey and not drag an unrelated character into the narration.