I don’t remember how I died, or anything that happened before. It’s probably for the best- at least this way, I cannot long for the warm caress of a sun I have never known, or the gentle lapping of pure water to soothe my aching feet, or the thousand and one other things that we take for granted while we’re still breathing.
All I know is that there was nothing, and then suddenly there was wispy, jagged grass pressed against my cheek, and a grey, lifeless half-light filtering in through my closed eyelids, and an oppressive silence for miles around.
An eternity passed before I found the strength to laboriously sit up; another eternity after that I opened my eyes, and immediately I wished I hadn’t. I was sitting upon a hill as cold and grey as the feeble light that barely managed to break through the clouds. In front of me the land gently fell away to reveal an empty expanse of dying grass and stale air that stretched off into an infinite, bleak horizon. Somewhere in the distance I could hear a river gargling weakly, but otherwise the quiet was absolute.
“You are dead, John,” a soft voice said behind me. I was too numb to feel surprised; instead, I just slowly turned my head, feeling my neck strain with the effort.
“Is that my name?” I croaked, each word feeling like sandpaper against my throat.
“I don’t know. Is it?” the speaker answered pleasantly. He was a young man, clad in a colourless, expensive-looking suit, arms folded pointedly across his chest and a thin, ironic smile cocked on his face.
I sat in silence for a long time. I had barely even moved, but somehow I was too exhausted to contemplate, let alone care, who the man in the suit was or how he got to be here.
“So I’m dead,” I said eventually. In a way I had already known it, but it felt strange to hear it in a voice that was so bold, so real. “What do I do now?”
My new companion shrugged. “There’s nothing really for it except to get moving and try to find other people. Or maybe you won’t. Maybe there’s no-one else here and you’ll just collapse and wither away into nothing,” he said cheerfully.
I shook my head and tried to stand, but my legs gave way beneath me; I felt the man in the suit grab me with strong arms as I stumbled, and prop me precariously back onto my feet.
“Lead the way,” he said.
I didn’t know where he expected me to go; nor did I really care. With no direction and a heavy heart, I set off at a trudging pace down the hill and into the grey wasteland below.
* * * * *
We walked for I don’t know how long; the scenery changed in subtle little ways, as we passed a field of scorched grass here, or a broken tree sprang up there, but otherwise we were always passing through the same endless, colourless, featureless land we had just come from. The man in the suit kept pace a step behind me, but I could swear the longer we walked and the more tired I felt, the bolder and brisker he became. He hadn’t changed his suit, but I was sure it was a shade darker than it had been earlier.
Eventually I glanced up, and saw a small puddle of stagnant water collecting in the middle of the path. Without thinking, I ran to it on aching legs and collapsed beside it, cupping it in desperate hands and lifting it to my mouth.
“I wouldn’t do that John,” the man in the suit warned suddenly, and I paused, my hands hovering inches in front of my face. Now I was up close, I saw what he meant; what had looked stagnant from far away now seemed utterly putrid right before my eyes, with dirt and mud and other sediment I could not name floating listlessly in the filthy water.
“I guess you’re right,” I said, reluctantly allowing it to splash back into the puddle. He raised an eyebrow.
“Are you sure? You sound thirsty. You’ll need water at some point.”
I looked at up him, to see if this was some kind of joke, but for once the stiff little smile was gone from his face.
“I don’t even know who you are,” I said, only the realisation only properly dawning on me for the first time.
“You never asked.”
“I’m asking now.”
“Very well,” he said, taking a step back and spreading his arms out. “I am Doubt.”
“Doubt. Right.”
He smiled thinly again, before twisting around and studying the way we just came.
“I’m sure we’ve been here before,” he said slowly, apparently finding some kind of landmark in the barren wilderness. “I think we’re going in circles, John.”
I ignored him, struggling to my feet and marching forwards as purposefully as I could manage.
“Perhaps we should turn back and see if there’s another path we missed?” he called after me. I stopped and turned to face him. It may have been my imagination, but it looked like his suit had somehow darkened again.
“Or perhaps we should just keep walking,” I said. “Come on.”
He simply shrugged, and followed.
* * * * *
“We should have turned back, John.”
“Shut up.”
“We’re going the wrong way. We’ve been here before.”
“I said, shut up!”
I broke off and tried to run a little further, in the hope I might see something, anything, new, but my legs wouldn’t carry me. I fell to my knees and scrabbled desperately to the top of another identical grey verge, but was greeted only by another identical grey landscape.
My muscles gave out. My head hit the ground, the sky above me span, and all the while Doubt stood over me, having bounded effortlessly up the ridge I had struggled so hard to climb. Somewhere in the back of my mind I noticed that his suit was now almost completely jet black.
“You should have turned back, John.”
“Shut up…” I cried weakly, feeling sick to the pit of my stomach.
“You should have turned back, and now you’re going to die out here. Again.”
The world began to darken; somewhere in the distance, I could hear a voice call my name.
“It’s your fault. You should have turned back.”
Lights began to flicker in front of my eyes. The voice was steadily getting stronger, repeating my name like a chant.
“What do you think happens when a dead man dies, John?”
More voices had joined in now. The lights became brighter and brighter, dancing across my vision like fireflies.
“Do you think it will be painful?”
The world dimmed a little bit more, even as the lights grew stronger. The voices were even louder now, and beneath them I could hear the tramp of footsteps.
“It doesn’t matter any more, John. Goodbye.”
I laid my head back on the earth and closed my eyes, but suddenly I was grasped from behind by half a dozen firm, clammy hands. Out of nowhere a group of people had appeared, each one holding a flaming torch and calling my name.
“John! John!” one of them, a woman, cried, bending over me, “come back to me, John!”
I tried to say something, but I couldn’t manage it. Everything swam in and out of focus, the clamouring voices all merging into one.
“John!” the woman kept calling over the top of them, “you want to come with us, John, don’t you? We can save you!”
“But if you do,” another one, a stony-faced man said gruffly, “he’ll have to stay here.”
He was holding a stick, and he pointed it towards Doubt as he spoke. I no longer cared what happened to him; I nodded feebly, and then my head sank back into a pillow of outstretched hands.
“Do as you wish,” I heard Doubt say. “I’ll not be gone for long.”
That was the last I remember before the greyness of the world gave way to black.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Very good!
Thanks guys for your comments. I'll change some of my sentence structure around when I get the time and can be bothered.
I'm going away soon for three weeks but I'll post the next part shortly after I get back, and I'll let you lot know when I do.
...
I'm a little unsure about this opening sentence. On one hand, It makes me want to find out out more about what happened and hooks me in that way. On the other hand, Its sort of flat and dosen't capture any emotion really. Maybe what you could do is have him [I'm assuming It's a guy?] remeber fragments and then he meets someone who remebers and fills him in. Or You could write a prequel...like Wolverine in X-Men. I dunno. Oh, and one more thing. When you say 'I don't remember anything that happened before?' Is the main character speaking of his whole life? If he is, how would he know that he died?
Okay, I like how this is phrased, but I do have a few nit-picks. This is a run on sentence. You could try reorganizing it something like :
'It's probably for the best. At least this way, I cannot long for the caress of a sun I have never known. Nor can I hear the gentle lapping of pure water to soothe my aching feet, and the millions of other things we take for granted while we're alive.
I am also starting to think this should be in 3rd person. Because when your in first person, you aren't speaking through your voice. You are using only what the character knows. In the case that I make the assumption your character dosen't remember his life on earth, he probably wouldn't remember any of the things you listed earlier. If you do it in 3rd person, however, you won't be subject to these limitations.
Again, you have a run-on sentence. You could restructure this one like this :
All I know is that the vast circumference all around me felt like nothing. Suddenly, I felt wispy, jagged grass press against my cheek. There was always a gray, lifeless half- light filtering in through my closed eyelids, and an oppressive silence in the miles beyond.
An Eternity? Do You mean that literally? I know your character is dead, but he'd still be awfully bored waiting two eternities. If you are going to that, It's fine, but maybe add some more emotion to the passage of time. Or maybe he's a slave, in a deep slumber, sort of like the Genie from Aladdin, I guess. Other than that, everything is good, but 'grey' is actually spelled 'gray'.
No, Really? The reader already knows your main character is dead. It's already been established, because the narrator told us. I have an idea. Maybe you had have your first few paragraphs as a sort of short preface thing, and briefly describe the scene of death. And Maybe when your MC wakes up in the afterlife, he thinks he dead, but he doesn't know for sure. He needs this voice to confirm it.
This is good so far - I like your language and your flow and your dialogue structure. However, your having the same problem with run-on sentences, especially in the second paragraph. I've given you the tools. See If you can figure this one out.
This is good - It goes along with what I talked about earlier about your main character thinking he's dead but not exactly knowing it.
My New Companion? They've only had a few lines of dialogue, and they've been really brief and awkward. Even if they become friends later on, they wont be already. But Anyway, I like your other character. He's really cool and I like his responses. Sort of reminds me of one of my ex-boyfriends.
Run on sentences again. This one is an easy fix; just replace the semi colon with a period.
I don't think this would be happening. Your MC has not given any confirmation that he's agreed to this plan. Maybe you could switch who is saying this line, and your MC is now saying it as a form of agreement.
Again, Why would your main character been leading the way? He doesn't know anything. The Man in the suit does. Also, I'm starting to not enjoy your MCs attitude towards the whole thing. I know he's a unique character you've probably developed, but try to make him less angsty. Granted, their are angsty people in this world, but in literature, it gets annoying, especially since we're in their head.
* * * * *
Run on sentences again. Maybe you could try : I don't know how long we walked. The scenery changed in subtle ways. For example, We would pass a field a scorched grass. Only a few steps later, a broken tree would spring up. Otherwise, we were always passing through the same endless, colourless features of the land we had just come from.
Good description. Good Author. *Gives Cookie*
Is the man in the suit trying to manipulate him or something? Or Why wouldn't he want John to get a drink?
Doubt. Like, the actual emotion? Because right now, I'm not really seeing it. Maybe he doesn't want John to drink the water because he thinks it has poison or something. I dunno.
Okay. Good. I'm starting to see more doubt in doubt.
* * * * *
Why Is your MC being so mean to Doubt? He probably knew the land better than John did. Trust your elders/superiors, yes?
Just so you know. When you spell Gray, It's spelled g-r-a-y as a color, and G-r-e-y when It's a last name.
Good Dialogue here.
Aww....What? Don't have Doubt leave. I want to hear about what happens when a dead man dies!
It's spelled c-l-a-m-e-r-i-n-g.
I want to learn about more these people appearing from no where. Are they John's Parents? Otherwise, I think these needs some work. Its a good idea and appears to be well thought out, but I wasn't really seeing any explanations and there was too much showing and not enough telling. But I can't wait to read more! PM If you have any questions / when you post the next part.
This was creepy cool. I definitely like it. There really wasn't a point where I had to force myself to continue reading. If anything, it was a little short. I want more. What's happening? Who are those people? What was up with Doubt? Can't wait for chapter two.
You have an excellent vocabulary. You describe the scetting incredibly well. You don't give up too much information, keep the audience thinking. My only critique thus far would be some of your sentence structure. For example, your first sentence of the second part (after the * line) could be fixed a little. It feels like a period could be thrown in there somewhere.
Great, great, great. More please!
This work is good from the very first sentence. It summmarizes almost everything and it's intering and encourages the reader to continue reading. For most people, they use the first sentence to gauge if the whole thing is worth reading. If the first isn't that great, they just throw ti on the not-worth-reading pile. The first sentence is important so you'd want to make a very good one.
The main content is superb as well. It paints a vivid picture; good use of adjectives( they're my fave part of speech). I noticed that one adjective is barely repeated; that's good because if you use a high-fallutin' word twice in a paragraph or even in a whole chapter, it seems a tad redundant. It shows that you have a good command over the language.
The storyline is presented in a sort of absrtact way with a queer and strange slant which is achieved through not revealing too much and leaving other matters to speculation.
All in all it's very good and interesting(in agood way)!