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Shakespearean Insult Letter

by MaybeInk

(this was meant to be funny, are you ready to watch me fail? DISCLAIMER: I love my sister, she's great)




Fie on thee, small sister

Fie on thee, Chloe, thee flea-bitten foot-licker. Thou hast unleashed a tameless anger upon me daily upon my very entrance of our family’s establishment. Why? Thou mangled fool-born pignut! Once, in recently past days, thou questioned my opinion of thou dress, and upon my honest answer, thou vain ill-breeding bladder squirted me with a bottle of water. By my troth, I have ne’er in my existence been treated as such. Thee aren’t more than a yeasty fat-kidneyed maggot-pie.

And then, the next day, thee hadst the audacity to tugeth on me hair. Upon the next encouter with thy coz, I shall share thy tale of misery so all may know of all thy dankish hugger-mugger attitude. Ye bootless scut.

Good riddance,

Your big sister





I'm not sure if I got some of those words right, I just really like putting "th" at the end of words. Judge me not. 

Is this a review?



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513 Reviews

Points: 26383
Reviews: 513

Thu Dec 27, 2018 7:31 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...


This was pretty fun to read! And a good way to sate my never-ending love of Shakespearean English (the Shakespeare compilation my aunt gave me was, apparently, not enough). Let's get down to business, shall we?

1. Okay, so even though twenty-first century English doesn't have multiple forms of the word 'you,' which are to be used depending on the role 'you' takes in the sentence (there's the possessive, but you got that part right), Shakespearean English does. I know this is meant to be a silly little thing, but it's still nice to get right.

So we'll compare this to the subject 'I' instead.

When you talk about yourself, and you perform the action, then you'd use 'I'. However, when you talk about yourself, and the action is being performed on or to you, then you use 'me.' It's the same for thou/thee.

You actually got most of the thou/thee stuff right at the beginning! Saying 'Fie on thee' is correct because it implies that you are doing the fie-ing to your sister, and saying 'Thou hast' is correct because your sister has done the thing. But at the end, you started using 'thee' as the subject who performs actions, when it should have been 'thou.'

2. There were a few moments where I wasn't sure if some addendum to 'thou' was being possessed by your sister or was a descriptor of your sister. I guess the line of "thou vain ill-breeding..." would be an example of that, though I'm not exactly sure how you might fix it.

3. OMG the insults were great! It's also pretty awesome that they weren't limited to just descriptors of your sister, but also the things she did and how it made you feel. I'd say it was lovely but uh... that's maybe not what you were going for.

On a side note, since I read your replies with FireSpyGirl, you can find all Shakespeare online for free! It's all public domain! It might take some searching to find versions with annotation, but usually after a class or so, you can start piecing things together pretty well on your own.

Anyways, this was a fun read! I hope your sister didn't actually squirt water at you. Great job, and good luck with the bard!

MaybeInk says...

I'm so glad you liked it (and yes, she has, but to be fair, I aggravated her XD) and if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go download as much Shakespeare as I can.

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162 Reviews

Points: 2265
Reviews: 162

Thu Dec 20, 2018 5:45 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...

I love this! I get the feeling that you love Shakespeare as much as I do! XD. I read it and watch it and listen to it daily. I love it. If you were aiming for funny, you definitely hit it! I couldn't put it any better, and I love how clear the anger is, while being funny. I have a little sister, and I have to say my favorite part is the very first sentence.

I know this wasn't a great review, and I'm sorry for that.

MaybeInk says...

T'was a fabulous review, and I've only started reading Shakespeare through Humanities class. We're a little over half way through the Merchant of Venice and I am in love. I really want to read Romeo & Juliet but I'm broke af XD

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430 Reviews

Points: 4658
Reviews: 430

Thu Dec 20, 2018 2:01 am
Horisun says...

Lol, you have successfully made me laugh. I have no criticism.

MaybeInk says...

Success :D

Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques -- like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson